


The Shadows of Star.

by Shock_Cooling



Series: Shadows [1]
Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: A little darker a little grittier., Adventure, Drug Use, F/F, Freud called it the id, Habit Mythos, Jung called it the Shadow, Kinda, Macho libertarian flash, PTSD, Romance, Shadow work, Starco shippers this is really going to sting, This is going to get really weird., Tolle called it the Pain Body., a bit of smut, contains kipling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-01-03 21:29:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 92,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12155190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shock_Cooling/pseuds/Shock_Cooling
Summary: Ten years have passed since the battle of Mewni. Star Butterfly has draught deep from the well of madness. Years of strife in the realm of Mewni and the wider multiverse drove her to commit numerous atrocities to bring the situation under control. Some of the consequences of this are the fall of the royal house of Butterfly, the transition to republican government in Mewni and the end of her relationship with Marco. No longer loved but feared by almost everyone she knows, not knowing where to go Star flees back to Earth. Someone is waiting for her.





	1. The brightest contrast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Care for some mood music? 
> 
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB4gjiMVKFI

AS I PASS through my incarnations in every age and race,  
I make my proper prostrations to the Gods of the Market Place.  
Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall,  
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings, I notice, outlast them all.

 

A glowing energy portal manifested over a drainage ditch, a woman stepped out. Looking warily in all directions she pointed a magic wand around as someone points a pistol around a building which they believe to be full of enemies. 

"Clear." 

She announced to no one. 

The woman would have made for an odd sight for anyone who cared to look. Clad in metal armor, camouflaged with green paint, scratched, worn and dented. On her hips she carried a couple of pouches full of equipment and a spiked metal mace. On her head she had a Kevlar helmet equipped with a thermal vision monocular. Her appearance was that of a solider, though one from a battlefield much weirder than any on Earth. She looked around and shouted. 

"Brigid! Brigid, are you here!?" 

No response. 

"Brigid! Please be here!" 

Some ducks floated by on the fast flowing water in the bottom of the ditch. 

The woman looked around, everything was gone. The telltale signs of a flood were all over the ditch. Whatever had been here had been washed away by rushing water not long ago. The woman shouted at this realization. 

"Damn it! Well, what else should I expect at this point." 

She dropped the wand into one of her pouches and started walking out of the ditch. 

As she walked into the town of Echo Creek she made an awful lot of noise. Her armor clanked against itself. She knew that if she improved her posture that it would quiet down, but she was in no state to walk proudly. Various people who saw her walk could immediately read that she had the body language of someone who been on the losing side of a war. If that wasn't enough then the look on her face would confirm it. Despair was written all over her face, which made for a bizarre contrast with the cheerful, heart shaped birthmarks on her cheeks. 

She walked to a dog park. She sat down on a bench, took off her helmet, placed it like a bowl on front of her and took out the wand. She grabbed a piece of discarded cardboard and used the wand to write on it. 

"Will do magic for $." 

She could just manifest some money, she also had some gold and a fistful of Euros. But people here didn't use Euros or gold for currency. She knew all of her gold coins were overvalued for anything she would need for a little while. She had also forgotten what the local money looked like. Counterfeiting was a serious crime most places, moreover it just didn't seem right. She wanted to exchange labor for currency, she felt that she had already used magic to cheat people out of too much already. 

An eight year old boy with a German shepherd puppy walked up to her. Reading the sign he asked. 

"What kind of magic? Like card tricks or what? I got tired of that coin behind the ear trick years ago." 

"Any kind of magic you want kid. If I had any coins to spare I wouldn't be hiding them behind your ear." 

"Okay, how about you make me a baby hippo? I always thought those were cool." 

She nodded and pointed the wand in a safe direction. 

"Manifestos, babyous, hippopotamus!" 

In a flash of light and a puff of smoke a hippopotamus appeared. Not a baby hippo, a full grown hippo. The confused three thousand pound creature stumbled around for a moment, yawning, showing off its magnificent teeth. 

The kid screamed in terror. Everyone else in the dog park was transfixed for a moment by the sound of the screaming child and the sight of a huge African animal suddenly materializing in a place where it should never have been. As soon as the boy started running everyone else followed suit, fleeing in every direction as the hippo moved around to attack the woman in armor. As she scooped up her helmet she shouted. 

"Oh shit, um, manifestos, hippopotamus erasus!" 

Her second spell missed, hitting a trash can which took on the shape of a hippo cut in two. 

The hippo charged, she ran. A human wouldn't have been able to outrun a hippo for very long, however despite appearances, she was not human. She ran back to the drainage ditch. Her path blocked by the fast flowing water in the ditch. She stood her ground. Aiming her wand at one and a half tons of speeding mammal she cast another spell. 

"Nuclear butterfly blast!" 

The hippo took the full force of the blast to the head and kept on coming. There was only one thing that she could do. Take three steps to the side and let the charging hippo fall into the ditch. 

The hippo fell into the water, hitting with a colossal impact, sending water flying in all directions. It's skin sizzled for a moment from the energy of the spell. 

She looked down, was it dead? 

It rolled over, planting its feet on the bottom of the concrete ditch. It looked up at her for a moment with an expression of resentment, then started drifting with the current in the ditch. 

She exhaled and stepped backwards into the shelter of a nearby alleyway as the sounds of sirens closed on her position. Within moments four police cars had descended on the road that ran alongside the ditch. As the police arrived they gathered around, expressing their shock at what they were seeing, then the wounded hippo noticed them. It started moving towards them as fast as its wounded body and the current would allow. One of the policemen shouted. 

"Holy shit, open fire!" 

They unloaded their shotguns, patrol rifles and pistols into the charging hippo. Their fire only slackened when they ran out of ammo. They pumped hundreds of rounds into the wounded beast before it had finally stopped. The blood from the hippo mingled with the waters in the ditch, turning the whole thing a horrid shade of red. 

The woman who was responsible for all this faded into the background. Sneaking away as stealthily as she could manage. The police never even noticed that she was there. They were all focused on the creature that shouldn't exist bleeding out in the ditch. 

Once she was away from the scene she looked down at the wand and started hitting herself in the head with it. 

"Stupid, stupid, stupid. You would think I would have learned by now, but no you just have to use magic for everything. Damn it!" 

She was about to throw the wand in a nearby dumpster, then she caught herself. 

"No, I can't leave this lying around. If this fell into the wrong hand..."

She placed it back in one of her pouches and kept on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little while ago I was reading Ghost by John Ringo. Apparently Ghost was never intended to be a published novel. Ringo wrote it specifically as an indulgence of the darkest excesses of his id. I decided to try something in a similar mindset and this is what came out. To be frank, I'm a little horrified that this story was hiding in my subconscious. Its a pretty radical departure from my usual work. Much more romance than I usually write about. Its not as violent as Ghost, and, excepting some of the magical bits, I think the plot is somewhat more coherent. Personally, I can suspend disbelief for magic, but if you are talking about dropping people out of a bomb bay at 40,000 feet altitude and living... Well, let's just say that suspension of disbelief gets a little ragged when the characters in a story explain how they are going to die of asphyxia and freezing before they even get to the drop zone.


	2. The grinding wheels of time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where we learn why and how we deviate from the canon storyline. At least I hope it's a deviation. If the show goes off in this direction I think an awful lot of fans are going to be awfully mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it seems that this is currently the only work on this archive that ships Star and Starfan13. Well, let's get to it then.

We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn  
That Water would certainly wet us, as Fire would certainly burn:  
But we found them lacking in Uplift, Vision and Breadth of Mind,  
So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.

The Gods of the Copybook Headings, by Rudyard Kipling.

 

After a few minutes walking she noticed a sign on a shop.

"We buy gold."

She went inside, the shop was filled with various forms of currency on display. The man behind the counter looked up from his smartphone and asked.

"Wow, um, is there a comic book convention in town or something?"

She reached into the bottom of her pouch. The coin hit the counter with an echoing clang.

"What will this get me?"

The numismatist whistled in amazement. Taking out a jewelers loupe and a scale he examined the Mewnian gold Bezant.

"23 karats, 1.2 ounces. I've never seen anything like this. The engraving is remarkably crude, like something the ancient Romans would have made. Don't recognize the script at all, looks kinda like Nordic runes..."

He checked the current spot prices and replied.

"Listen, I'm not sure why, but I really want this coin. I'll give you $1,875 for it right now."

She smiled and replied, "sold!"

The numismatist smiled back and went to get the cash out of a safe. When he came back he hesitated handing the money over for a moment asking.

"You know you can't walk around in all that without freaking people out. You look like you are about to be dropped into Baghdad. Isn't all that armor really warm?"

"Yes, that's why I came in here, my next stop is the mall."

He nodded as he started counting out the bills. As he handed them over he asked.

"You know you look kinda familiar, did you live around here awhile ago? I could have sworn I saw a kid with hearts on her cheeks cause a spectacle in a restaurant a few years ago."

She took the money and hustled out of the shop without another word. Hoping that he wasn't going to follow her and start talking about pirates.

The mall was a relatively short walk away. As she walked she noticed that she wasn't making nearly as much noise as she had been. Her posture reflected the confidence of having finally done something right. As she walked through the mall parking lot she examined her bundle of crisp bills for a moment. She was really looking forward to seeing the latest fashions. She had forgotten how much she missed shopping. She was almost skipping through the parking lot when someone shouted her name.

"Star!?"

She turned around, standing behind her was a slim brunette woman wearing a purple shirt, green cargo pants and a khaki vest. The unfamiliar woman had a look of wonder on her face.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"It's me!"

Star shook her head in the negative.

The woman ran up to her and hugged her.

"Unhand me beautiful stranger. Who are you?"

"Starfan!"

She pushed away and looked her up and down. She stammered, "uh, ba, ba ba ba. Wait, what, who?"

"It's me! Starfan13, you don't recognize me anymore?"

"Um, I guess not, wait, you remember me?"

"Of course I remember you, you were only like the coolest person I ever met! Um, what's with all the armor and weapons?"

She jumped back, reaching towards her hip with her right hand.

"Are there monsters around? Are you on another epic quest through the multiverse? Can I help? I'm much better at fighting than I used to be and I have some weapons of my own!"

"No, no monsters, no quests, I'm, I'm done with that."

"Oh, you are done with that? that's sad. But if you are, why are you wearing all that?"

"It's been a... Difficult decade for me. I got used to wearing armor, now I just want to take it off."

A bezerk smile scribbled across Starfan13's face.

"Well, if you need a hand with getting all that armor off, I would be happy to assist."

She knelt down.

"My liege."

Star grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet. Looking her square in the eyes she demanded. "Please don't ever do that again, I'm really sick of that treatment. But okay, get this armor off of me."

They walked back to Starfan's car and started removing equipment. Starting with the mace, then the belt, then the leg guards. Starfan savored every moment, memories began flooding back. Once the plate armor and chain mail was gone Star stood there for a moment, moving her arms and legs in various directions. Getting used to the feeling of being unarmored in public.

Starfan looked over the body of her friend. As the memories of her childhood crush returned her gaze took on a hunger that crossed the line of politeness. A decade of strenuous activity and healing spells had hardened Star's body well beyond the already phenomenal strength and durability that her fourteen year old self was capable of. Star did not notice the gaze as she reached back into her pouch for her cash, announcing.

"Okay, let's go shopping."

The two of them garnered more than a few curious gazes as they walked through the mall. An arming doublet and padded pants worn under a suit of armor look rather bizarre exposed to the world. The mall had become rather run down from what Star remembered. She smiled at the thought that though worn, the place was still standing. After everything she had seen destroyed over the past few years that had to count for something.

As they walked into a boutique Starfan couldn't contain herself anymore.

"So what happened, what have you been doing for the past decade? Where is Marco? A lot of people around here wonder what happened to him and Janna and everyone else who disappeared when you did. Tell me everything."

As she examined a long red dress Star replied.

"Um, can we talk about that later? I'd much rather hear what you have been doing. You look great!"

As Star walked into a changing room Starfan leaned up against the dividing wall and replied.

"Um, okay, after you left I was heartbroken. So were a lot of other people. I mean you were the most popular kid in school, Star! Whenever someone like you disappears it has an effect. Oscar, geeez, he was inconsolable. He was really looking forward to going on adventures with you. He fixed his car and left. I have no idea what happened to him. I stayed in school, went through a growth spurt, lost the braces! I can't even describe to you how wonderful it was to get rid of those word mangling torture devices. Went to college and studied to get the weirdest and wildest job I could find."

"What's that?"

"Geologist, it's not easy work but the pay is decent and I get to travel all over the world. After you left I had to do something to fill the void of wonder and magic you left behind."

Star looked down at her feet for a moment, " _the void I left behind_." She thought, that stung way worse than it should have.

"Anyway, I'm living up in Oregon now. Had to move there because of all the crazy laws in California. I just happened to be in Echo Creek visiting my parents when I see you walking through the parking lot of the mall and here we are."

The door to the changing room opened. An anxious looking Star stood there in an awkward pose wearing a conservative, but form fitting dark blue dress, asking.

"Well, how do I look?"

Starfan was unable to speak. She couldn't take her eyes off of her friend. She just gave two thumbs up and mumbled. "Awesome."

Star smiled and looked at herself in a mirror stating. "So nice to finally be out of armor."

After picking out some other outfits they adjoined to the food court for lunch. Starfan ordered an apple turnover while Star ordered a medium sized deep dish pizza. When it arrived Star devoured it, after almost swallowing three slices whole.

"Man, did I miss the food here. It just isn't the same in Mewni. All the grease, sugar, strange ingredients and weird chemicals. It all just tastes so bad for you."

"Glad you like it, so, I still want to know what happened when you left Echo Creek."

"Can't talk, eating."

"Come on Star, I have been waiting for this for a decade. What happened!?"

As she scarfed another slice she looked at her friend again. Star still couldn't believe that gangly kid with a funny voice and all those odd habits had grown into this... Very well developed and assertive woman. She finished her mouthful of dough, cheese meats and chemicals and looked around.

"Okay, but this stays between us, got it?"

She nodded back in the affirmative. Star exhaled solemnly and began.

"After I left Echo Creek everything went to shit. Complete and utter shit. You can't even begin to imagine the depth and breath of this shit. A mile deep and fifteen miles wide trench that I had to swim through. If it hadn't I would have come back sooner, I swear! For starters I had to destroy a monster named Toffee, don't think you ever met him. He was really bad, even by monster standards, he was also immortal so I couldn't just beat him down like every other monster I dealt with. Our fight was really weird, it ended with me doing something I still don't fully understand. It's like I was me, and yet not me."

Star looked off on the distance, confused with no small hint of anger. She shook off the moment of wistful confusion and went back to telling her story.

"Anyway, while I was in an altered state of consciousness I killed him, some people say that I just wounded him and someone else killed him. I killed him. I enjoyed it, I really enjoyed it. That was only the beginning though. After that I found out that my mother, the Magical High Commission and many of the past Queens of Mewni had been covering up some very deep problems, not just in Mewni. But the rest of the multiverse."

"Not long after Toffee died something worse showed up. Eclipsa, my great great great grandmother. My mother had made some kind of deal with her to kill Toffee and hadn't told anyone about it, hoping it would all be forgotten. Well, it wasn't. Dealing with Eclipsa made the fight with Toffee look like a picnic. The fight with her went on for two years straight across fifteen different planets until I killed her, but I was fully conscious when I did that."

Star looked down at her trembling hands.

"I hated Toffee, I hated everything that he had done to me, my family, and so many others. I loved Eclipsa, as one loves a grandparent. She was nice, charming..."

An expression of raw rage erupted across her face as she slowly growled out the words, "and she made me kill her."

She slammed a fist into the table.

"Before I killed Eclipsa she set loose all manner of monsters, villains and things I can't even describe. The Magical High Commission had a prison of sorts where they kept the worst of the worst. Dark sorcerers, monsters, things that earthlings would have no concept of. While Toffee had the Commission incapacitated, Eclipsa set them all loose, some allied with her and went down when she did. Most didn't, they fled across the multiverse."

Grabbing Starfan's hands she looked her in the eyes and spoke with utmost gravity.

"And I had to hunt down every last one of them. That's what I have been doing for most of the past decade. Tearing through the multiverse with the Magical High Commission members who survived Toffee's attack, the Mewnian army and a bunch of other adventurers. Fixing the problems that my ancestors were too cowardly and weak to deal with."

"I killed the last one of these monsters a few months ago. He had fled to Earth funnily enough. He was hiding in the body of the French president. That, politician! [Star almost spat the word] had made a deal with forces beyond his control for power. When the monster he summoned came to collect on the debt he tried to gyp the creature. Didn't work out for him, the monster ate his bodyguards, his wife and took over his body. Had to work out a deal with the French government to kill him. You might have heard about it on the news, they reported that he died in a car crash in Riems. He wasn't that lucky, I strangled the last few embers of life out of the corpse, then I trapped the monster in a gem and fed it to a Blargwart. Don't ask me what that is, please, I'm immediately sorry I brought it up. But I did get some nice toys out of the French government for that little mission."

Utter horror shot through Starfan. This was just layers and layers of nightmares beyond anything she had ever imagined in her worst fears, worrying in the night what had happened to one of the best people she had known. All she could stammer out was, "huh, you, you killed the French president. I would not have imagined that I would ever hear you say that Star. I have to ask though, what happened to Marco?"

Star sighed, almost in agony, "I didn't kill the French president, I just destroyed his body. It was the Saulindresh that killed him. As for Marco, argh! I suppose this is like a band aid, I should just rip it off. While I was slaughtering my way through the multiverse Marco stayed in Mewni. My mother was incapacitated by dark magic that was a result of her deal with Eclipsa. So my father was left in charge. He is a good man, but he can't lead anything more serious than a parade."

"Marco however, he took to politics like a duck to water. By the time I got back he had transformed Mewni. It's not the medieval realm I told you about anymore. He reformed the economy, brought in consultants from Earth. The streets are paved, the houses have plumbing, medical care is much better. He even made a deal with a gunmaker to import weapons."

Star looked wistful and proud as she reminisced.

"He had to make that deal. With me and my families magic gone and the Magical High Commission out of action he had to use other means to secure Mewni against monster attack. He and my father defended Mewni when I couldn't."

Her lip trembled, Star was holding back the urge to cry with all her might.

"But he didn't have to, he didn't kill the monsters. He made deals with them. He, he brought them in from the swamps and wild lands my ancestors had pushed them into. He made them part of our society. He let them work and own property. The monsters practically rebuilt Mewni after all the damage Toffee and Eclipsa did. The people there don't even call them monsters anymore. Now they are just neighbors. When I came back from France I thought I had landed in the wrong dimension. When I got to the castle Marco was waiting for me. But he wasn't my Marco anymore. And I wasn't his Star. He, he is a suit wearing politician now. With a place for everything and everything in its place. While I am a runaway truck. Every problem that comes up on my life, my solution is to smash it. Like I smashed Eclipsa."

She finished in a tone of resignation.

"The royal line of Butterfly ends with me, one way or another. Mewni is a republic now, it is no place for royal families or Royal magic anymore. They will probably vote Marco to be their president, or prime minister or whatever they call it. The people have taken power, with the army gone they formed militias, police forces. Mewni is crawling with cops now. Did I ever tell you how much I hate cops? Anyway, what matters is they defend themselves. But they don't need to, in a few years, in a few... fucking years! Marco was able to single handedly turn Mewni into a peaceful, prosperous nation. He was able to single handedly accomplish what all my ancestors failed to do for centuries. Ha, some legacy! The powerful and noble line of Butterfly and the immortal Magical High Commission, boldly and heroically kicking the can down the road. Praying that someday someone will come along up to the job of actually defeating evil instead of sealing it in a crystal, hoping it doesn't crack."

Star chuckled at the absurdity of it all. Staring off into the distance.

"So, since there is no place for me in Mewni anymore I decided to come back here and try to get my head straight. It's great, everything is just how I left it."

Star looked at her friend, her eyes were welling up.

"Oops, not exactly how I left it." She realized.

Starfan broke down crying, "that's the saddest goddamn story I ever heard in my life!" She howled through the sobs. "It's all over, Mewni, Marco, even the monsters?"

Trying to sound reassuring Star replied.

"Hey, it's not that bad. These things happen. It's not like it ended like royal families end on Earth. With me in front of a firing squad or facing a guillotine."

"But you aren't even a princess anymore?!"

"Queen actually. But no, I didn't really want that job anyway.

"But, but, but you and Marcooooooooo!?"

"Yeah it hurts, but that's nothing to get..."

She reached across the table, sweeping aside the food and hugged Star awkwardly. Wailing in her ear.

"I should have been there for you, I should have protected you! I should have been helping you fight those monsterrrrrrs!"

Star tried to shove her back in her seat.

"Hey hey hey, there's nothing you could have done. You were a thirteen year old girl, what could you have done?"

Reaching for another napkin, drying her tears Starfan replied. "I'm not a thirteen year old girl anymore. And I swear I will protect you. You can stay with me as long as it takes to get back on your feet."

"Thank you, but I really can't impose."

"Why not? Do you have someplace else to go? Somewhere else to live?"

Looking all around Star took stock of the situation, "nope, other than Marco's parents I don't have anyone else I can stay with at the moment. I think it would be a bit awkward asking my ex's parents for a place to stay. I didn't just burn my bridges with him, I wound up pissing off everyone else I knew in the wider multiverse. I didn't even know I could do that. When I came back here I was hoping to get in contact with Oscar, since you tell me he has vanished that doesn't seem likely. I was originally planning on staying with a homeless woman if you can believe..."

Before she could finish the sentence Starfan grabbed her hands and looked deeply into her eyes. "I will not allow that to happen, you hear me? I want you to swear, on your honor, that you will stay with me until you get back on your feet!"

A smile crossed Star's face, an awkward smile. " _Honor_ ," she thought. That which had been so important to her when last they spoke. Through her crusade her honor had been tarnished by so many hard decisions. Now here was this old friend who knew so little about all that. But she knew that nothing mattered if honor did not matter. Desperately trying to keep from tearing up Star replied.

"You have my word."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intend to update this every Friday, but I'm going on a long trip and I just couldn't wait to get this out.


	3. A two way street.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of our dive into the respective psyches of our two main characters. And some hints of larger drama to come. The mentioning of Blackhawk Down is part of a theory I have to explain a few of Star's more exotic spells. When she rescued Marco from Toffee she used what appeared to be a Rocket Propeled Grenade with a rainbow smoke trail. This is how I theorize that she learned what an RPG is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of the story as it is structured Starfan13 had to have a legal name. Couldn't find one anywhere in canon so I made one up.

Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.  
\- Loretta Young

 

As they walked back to the car Star asked an embarrassing question.

"So, this is a really weird thing to ask but what is your name?"

"Pauline Long, but I, I never liked that name."

"Why not?"

"It sounds like the name of an old lady. Then there is the problem that Pauline gets shortened to Paula, sometimes it's just Paul."

"That's rude, who calls you that?"

"The people I work with. Other geologists, miners, oilfield trash. The whole lot of them have testosterone coming out of their teeth. The manliest of men doing the manliest of things, covered in grit all day long. There aren't many girls in the geology business."

"Hmm, sounds like being in an army."

"You could say that, bit more free though. If you don't show up for work they just dock your pay, they don't send the gendarmes after you."

As they drove to Pauline's parents house Star was growing more and more uneasy with the situation. She needed to know more.

"So, do you have a boyfriend, husband, anything like that?"

"Nope, had a couple of relationships in college that didn't really go anywhere. I just never really clicked with anyone. So many people go into a romantic relationship expecting constant fireworks and the deepest love anyone can ever imagine. That's not me, I'm too laid back for that."

"Laid back?" Alarm bells were ringing in Stars head. If there was one thing that defined Starfa, oop, Pauline's behavior in high school it was obsession. A downright scary obsession over anything she was interested in. Growing suspicious Star asked.

"Pauline, what did you think of my brownies?"

"They were terrible! why did you bring that up? that's like my worst memory of you! Well, not the brownies, not even what that damn puzzle box did to us because I lied about them. What happened to my intestines that night, ugh. You really should have stopped me from eating all of those. Oh well, the things we do when we are young and stupid..."

Pauline stared Star in the eyes with the most serious expression she could come up with and finished her sentence.

"Like swear an oath of truth to a Hellraiser cube!"

Star chuckled and replied, "sorry, I was suspecting that you might be an impostor. Wouldn't be the first time someone tried to get close to me in the guise of someone I knew."

"You thought I was an impostor?"

"Hey, let's face it, you aren't much like the kid you were in high school."

"No, and there's a bunch of reasons for that. I had issues back then. Well, I still have issues, but I'm not that kid anymore, although I do acknowledge she is a part of me, but I think of her as who I was, not who I am now. Despite what some idiots think people do change as life goes on. Especially people who have been through the kind of crap you have been through Star."

"Yes, but it seems odd to me, you have changed for the better while I have changed for the worse."

"I never said that the changes were good or bad. You shouldn't look at it like that Star. Hey, you have your health and a magic wand. That's more than most people get on Earth when their old lives fall apart."

Star chuckled, "I swear you are as optimistic as I used to be."

"Used to be, you don't consider yourself optimistic anymore?"

"Optimism is a luxury I had to abandon after Eclipsa."

Pauline started tearing up again, "I'm going to help you Star. I swear I am going to help you."

Star didn't know what to say about that. She really didn't feel like she needed help.

As the car slowed down Pauline announced.

"Well, here we are, my parents place."

Star wondered, "had I ever met Pauline's parents? No." So many parents in Echo Creek worked out of town that at times it had seemed like the town was run by children. As absurd as it was Star remembered that was a big part of why she liked it here. It was anarchy, she had been allowed to run around almost completely unchecked.

It stung again, she had forgotten how much she had missed that anarchy.

Pauline's parents were waiting for them in their living room. Her mother was reading a magazine while her father was watching a golf game. Pauline announced, "hey, do you remember my old friend Star? she came back."

Both of their heads turned smoothly towards the woman their daughter had once been obsessed with. Pauline's mother's jaw dropped, her father started stammering.

"Holy mother of, uh, I mean, Jesus, I mean. Uh, welcome to our home. Um, princess? If that's the proper term?"

Star asked, "is something wrong?"

Pauline's mother replied, "it's just that we are surprised to finally meet you. It's been awhile and you, well you left a mess when you left."

"Mom, please don't."

"No, no I have to say it. Miss Butterfly, you had friends in this town, a whole lot of them, not just my daughter. People who counted on you and you just blew out of here without so much as a goodbye. Do you even realize the extent of the damage you did with all your magical nonsense?"

"Mom, please stop."

"No, after you left the FBI came here and went over this whole town with a fine tooth comb. They were camped out here for months, they interviewed Pauline four times. And what about the children who vanished? Or the other disappearances? Do you know how much..."

Star ran out of the house, this was all too much for her. Pauline ran after her shouting.

"It's okay, it's all over, the FBI left a long time ago. Everyone's forgotten about everything you did."

"Not everyone, not everyone." Star stopped by the mailbox and kicked it. "Why did I come back here? it's just the same damned story everywhere I go."

"No, my parents are just a bit overwhelmed, they have issues, with you, with me, with each other. You just have to get past it. Listen, do you still have your dimensional scissors?"

"No, they were never mine, the original owner came and got them. But I do have a pair I inherited from my mother."

"Tell you what, I'll grab my stuff and we can go to my place. I'll smooth things over with my parents some other time. Come on, get your stuff out of the trunk, I'll be with you in a moment."

She went back into her house as Star got her armor and other things out of the trunk. Once she was done Pauline had arrived with a packed bag. She asked, "okay, let's see them."

Star took her mother's scissors out of the pouch and handed them to Pauline, she asked.

"Uh, I thought you were going to use them."

"I don't know where we are going."

"Oh right, so how do these work?"

"Just imagine the place you want to go and make a cut."

"Ah, like a sling ring?"

"A sling what now?"

"Huh, I suppose you didn't get to see that movie while you were here. I think you would have liked it." Snapping her fingers Pauline observed. "Theres something we disagreed on, movies. The first time we watched movies together, I wanted to watch Twilight...."

"Oh yeah, I wanted to watch Blackhawk Down."

"So we watched Blackhawk Down. Heh, you rubbed off on me Star, big time."

Pauline held the scissors and made an incision in the fabric of space. She stuck her head inside and announced, "yep, my backyard. These things are incredible!"

They stepped through the portal.

In an instant they were transported over a thousand miles north. To a mid-sized home in the suburbs of Bend Oregon.

"Well here we are. What a rush! I always wanted to do that."

"Glad you enjoyed it." Star said as cheerfully as she could manage.

As they hauled their stuff into the house Star looked around. The house was another surprise, Star had expected a complete mess. This home was beautiful. Solid wood and microfiber furniture, thick shag carpet, big windows. The walls were decorated with a variety of maps and a large poster of a sports car. Star shook her head and reminded herself that she shouldn't have been expecting a bigger version of Starfan's locker.

"You have a beautiful home." She stated honestly.

"Ah, I can't take credit, my neighbor is an interior designer and I have a maid to make sure the place doesn't wind up looking like Mogadishu when I am staying here. TVs over there, bathroom is your first door on the left, your room is the second door on the right."

"And the door at the end of the hall?"

"My room, it's a bit of a mess in there right now though so don't go in there until I have a chance to clean it."

Star looked up, Pauline was lying to her, but about what she did not know. She had to find out. She exploded down the hallway, running towards Pauline's bedroom as fast as her legs could carry her. Stopping just before crashing head first through the door, she flung it open.

The room was fairly big, not as big as the room that she had made at Marcos house though. All over the walls were framed photos. Several were of Star, others were of her and Pauline. Along with a few pictures of people that Star didn't recognize. Dominating the room was a massive oil painting of an event that had never happened but Star wished it had. In the center of the painting was an image of her triumphantly Narwhal Blasting a monster. On her left was Pauline, firing a rifle into yet another monster. On the right was Marco, practically cleaving a monster that kind of looked like Toffee in two with a karate chop. Further off in the background Jackie was smashing another monster with her skateboard. While a smaller monster was being impaled on Ponyhead's horn. As she entered the room Pauline stated.

"Now why did you have to do that? I was hoping that you wouldn't see this."

"Pauline, its beautiful, it's overwhelming. It must have cost a fortune!"

"Yeah it wasn't cheap, but I love it. I keep it as a reminder of what I was a part of back in school. Even if I was only a tiny part of it, a smaller part than what is depicted here."

Star just stared at the painting in silence, at this idealized version of her. There was a wall rug in her castle that depicted her in battle, but she was embarrassed of it. It commemorated a particularly ugly little battle, and it was her and her opponent, alone on the tapestry. This was so much more complete, so much more dynamic and alive.

Star retreated from Pauline's room, feeling embarrassed at the intrusion. Unable to speak, utterly overwhelmed by what she had seen. As she walked towards her room Pauline announced. "I'll have dinner ready in twenty minutes. Glad to hear you like lots of chemicals because it's going to be microwaved Thai food."

Pauline was amazed, her fantasies for so long were coming true. But it wasn't quite right. Star had always been so kind, casual, bouncy, friendly. Now she was, well she didn't know what. Grizzled? Worn out? Star was being too distant to really get a bead on who she was after all these years. As she walked towards the kitchen Pauline wondered what was really going on in her friends head. As she opened the freezer she had a realization. "Do I really want to know?" Years of monster hunting across the multiverse, she couldn't even imagine what that would entail. The closest analog she knew were friends and coworkers who had fought for years across Afghanistan and Iraq. They were all fucked up to some degree.

Pauline's heart hurt, all she wanted to do was help Star. But the thought of rooting around in her head struck her as, dangerous. This made for a stark contrast to her memories of high school. Whenever Star was around back then she had felt invincible. Star was the kind of person who inspired confidence. Sometimes near suicidal levels of confidence. She had been the kind of person who didn't just defeat monsters. She inspired everyone around her to defeat monsters.

That was so many years ago. The fact Star had spent all this time suffering really spooked Pauline. She exhaled, letting the nervousness float out on the air as she activated the microwave she reminded herself. "One thing at a time, one thing at a time."

As they sat down to dinner Star had a few more questions for her host.

"I still can't believe you look so different than you did when you were a kid. I mean, what happened with your glasses? Did you get surgery or something?"

"No, I wear contacts, sometimes I wear goggles when I'm doing something athletic."

"Athletic..? Ah, so what do you do when you aren't working with a bunch of rude dudes?"

"I climb, I hike, sometimes I still do photography, though I don't think I am very good at it. Used to drink like a pirate but I don't really do that as much anymore. I also shoot."

"Shoot? What do you shoot? Bow and arrow, or guns?"

"Guns, I suck at archery worse than I suck at photography, firearms are my favorite hobby. I even shoot competitively from time to time. When you showed up and started swinging around your godlike powers I went looking for my own sources of power. I looked into learning magic. But no one on earth practices magic at anywhere near the level you do. It's mostly just stage magicians playing around with toys and tricks. White magic is a bunch of new age nonsense and black magic is, ugh. It's a bunch of weirdoes in cloaks trying to kill goats with their minds. So the next best thing to what you can do seemed to be guns."

"Show me."

"My guns? Okay."

She came back with two guns.

"Heckler and Koch P30 in 9MM. Light, accurate, reliable, if a bit bulky. But I think you might find this to be kinda familiar."

She racked the action to confirm that the firearm was empty and handed it to Star.

"Mossberg Shockwave 590. Right on the ragged edge of legality. This is as close as thing as I could find on this planet to your wand. Holds five 2 3/4 inch shells with one in the chamber, can be loaded with specialty rounds. Rubber balls for less lethal, birdshot for small game, flamethrower rounds. Door breacher rounds, just in case someone really doesn't want to let you in, and of course, regular old buckshot if you need to tear a fools head off. These were a major reason why I moved out of California, these guns are illegal there."

"These guns, they ban these guns but not all guns?"

"Yep, these look scary to lawmakers."

Sighting down the barrel of the Shockwave, Star remarked, "they must have very different ideas of what scary means than I do."

"Hey, politicians, they aren't supposed to make sense, they just make the laws."

"Yeah, I've had enough of politics to last a lifetime."

After dinner they retreated back to their bedrooms. Star had listened quietly as Pauline filled her in on a number of events on Earth that she had missed out on. Pauline was under the covers, wearing an uncomfortable set of pajamas. Normally she slept in the nude, but she didn't think that was prudent with a houseguest. As she returned her pistol to her bedside safe Star tapped on the bedroom door.

"Come in, what's happening?"

"I was wondering if you had a locker or something that I could put this in?"

Star was dressed in an old shirt and shorts that Pauline had left out for her. Ragged and stained, but damn if they didn't look good on her, Pauline couldn't help but think. Star was holding her wand, delicately.

"Yeah, I can probably fit that in my safe, why?"

"Old habit, I have pretty bad nightmares and you don't want me blasting holes in your house with this if I act them out."

"Got it, that's why I bought this safe."

"You act out nightmares too?"

"No I just flop around a bit. An acquaintance of mine sent a round of 44 magnum from a revolver he kept under his pillow sailing through his bathroom mirror while he was asleep a few years ago."

Star smiled and handed her the wand, their hands touched for a moment. There was a moment of quiet electricity as Pauline put the wand in the safe. Star looked up at the painting of her and her friends. She groaned with anxiety as she asked Pauline.

"Listen, this is going to sound a bit weird, feel free to say no, but can I sleep with you tonight?"

Pauline tried not to keep her heart from exploding. With every ounce of self control she could muster she calmly replied.

"Yes, but why?"

"I, well, I want to feel like I did the night of our last sleepover. Nothing sexual, I swear! I just need to not be alone right now."

Pauline smiled and lifted up the covers.

Star glided into the bed. Smiling in satisfaction, she blinked and said, "thank you."

Pauline had to clamp down a desire to say, "oh no, thank you." Fantasies built up over years were coming true right before her eyes. After all those years of hope, here she was, in her bed, so close she could smell her. Star was unconscious in moments, Pauline couldn't even think of sleep.

Taking a deep breath Pauline enjoyed Stars scent. Strawberry scented soap over something else. Spicy, yet intangible, she hadn't smelled anything like it in years. It was otherworldly, entrancing. Her hands came up, she hungered for the warm body on the other side of her bed more than anything else in the world.

After losing the braces Pauline had a few romantic relationships in high school and college. Her dalliances with two decent guys and one creep had pushed her towards dating other women. A particularly wild weekend in college had convinced her that she favored the fairer sex. Still, no one had ever been able to get her as revved up as Star. Every fiber of her being wanted to take this woman, overwhelm her with pleasure, grab her by her very soul and bind it to hers forever.

But she couldn't, it wouldn't be right. That way only led to heartbreak. Or more likely, a very confused and upset Star fleeing from the house in the middle of the night. Putting her hands all over Star now would be taking advantage of an old friend in a weak state. Pauline was stronger than that. Her hands relaxed and she rolled onto her back. Laughter echoed through her mind at the sheer absurdity of all this. So close and yet so far away.

Pauline was woken at two in the morning. Someone was mumbling and bumping into things. She reached around and found no sign of Star.

"Well, it's not like she didn't warn me." She observed.

The safe was still locked. Pauline rolled out of bed and followed the sound of murmuring. Star was at the back door, she was also completely naked. Pauline whispered, "no, no, no, no" as Star slid the door open.

Recalling the oft heard advice that it is a bad idea to suddenly wake a sleepwalker Pauline put her hand on Star's shoulder and asked in a whisper. "Hey, what's happening?"

"I have to find Rostrum."

Pauline tried to get Star to turn around.

"Okay, let's go find Rostrum, I think he is inside."

"Thanks Janna. Rostrum, he, I have to find him. We need to get the traps ready before they come back. Their eyes, the eyes are everywhere, accusing."

"The traps will be ready, just come back inside, you are in no state to be out walking around."

"Thank you Janna, what would I do without you? I would probably get a Monster Expert who doesn't skip out on paying the check at dinner that's what, ha!"

Pauline guided her towards the bedroom, as they passed through the doorway Star stopped dead in her tracks and struck a triumphant pose.

"We have the bastards now, oh damn, I don't have my wand. Aargh, dip down!"

Star's body exploded in golden light as her wings expanded to their full size and her arms multiplied. She levitated off the ground, looking straight at Pauline. It was overwhelming, the most beautiful thing Pauline had ever seen in her life, yet strangely familiar. Star's eyes burned with an indescribable fire as all of her extra arms embraced Pauline, lifting her off the ground, for a moment they were both suspended in the air. In a terrifyingly strange, deep voice Star announced.

"I love you."

Pauline replied.

"I love you too."

Star smiled at her and drew her in for a kiss. Ten thousand volts of energy shot through Pauline's lips. The golden light dimmed. Her extra arms faded from existence and her wings went back to their usual size as they settled to the ground. She collapsed into Pauline's arms, unconscious, in such a deep state of sleep that it seemed like she wasn't even breathing. Pauline carried her back to bed, she was much heavier than expected. Star may not have been particularly big but she was incredibly dense. Muscles toned by years of strenuous activity, bones hardened from countless impacts.

Pauline dumped Star back into her bed, but before she went back to sleep herself she moved Star's body into a symmetrical position.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the story goes on I will be increasing the rating as it gets into more adult content. Also, yes I did make a Twilight reference. I think it makes for a nice juxtaposition with the very un-twilight nature of the SvFoE universe.


	4. Learning to swim.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontations, explanations, a ride in a cool car and a little discussion on the works of Satoshi Kon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is the authors opinion that anything said in an altered state of consciousness should not be held against said person when they exit said state. However, it can make for some very interesting discussions when everybody sobers up.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.  
Jane Wagner

 

The next day they woke up together around eight o'clock. Star sat up and almost shouted, "what the? why am I in your bed and why am I naked?"

Eyes still closed, face in her pillow Pauline mumbled.

"You wanted to sleep with me last night, I obliged. As for why are you naked, well I don't know what happened there. That was some majorly freaky shit. You were sleepwalking, you called me Janna and you said something about dipping down. Next thing I knew you were growing extra arms and pulling me into the air. You never told me you could do magic without your wand!"

Star's eyes went wide in bafflement, "I dipped down? I haven't done that in years. I stopped doing it because I didn't feel that I had any control."

Eyes opened and rolled onto her back Pauline replied.

"No control eh? All I know is that it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. You told me that you loved me."

"I did?"

"Sounded sincere too."

"No, no no no no. This is just, I can't, I oh crap. I gotta go."

Star rolled out of bed and ran back to the guest bedroom. Throwing on clothes as fast as she could. Pauline walked up to Star, throwing on a robe, asking. "I think I might know what's happening here, and I might be able to help you. But I have to ask, who or what is Rostrum?"

Star's head snapped around, "Rostrum! Rostrum? Rostrum... He was a Mewni army captain. Nice guy, he died, so, what do you know about what's going on?"

"It's long and complicated, but if you want to hear it I'll tell you. I have to ask that you not interrupt. Might be a good idea to sit down first."

Star finished pulling her clothes on and sat down on a nearby chair. Pauline sat on the guest bed and breathed deeply.

"I really didn't want to tell you this with everything else you have been through. You already have your own problems to deal with, but okay, here we go."

"After you left Earth I was devastated. I really didn't know what to do. Didn't help that summer had come and I didn't have school to distract me. I didn't have any other friends that I could talk to about how I felt. The confusion, pain, all the negative feelings started getting out of hand. My fifteenth birthday party was a disaster, I invited fifty people. No one showed up except my parents."

"That was a really dark day for me Star. I went looking for anyone I could talk to. But everyone had moved on with their lives. They were all either away on vacation, or off with you. I started walking, and I didn't stop until I found myself at an abandoned railroad bridge over a river."

"The river was shallow, there was a bunch of jagged rocks underneath. It looked so inviting, if no one wanted to talk to me anymore I figured, why bother going on?"

"Just before I hit the water time slowed down, you probably know about this better than I do. You know, when something dangerous is about to happen and time starts to stretch out. The water was impossibly calm; the surface was a perfect mirror. Before I hit I saw my reflection, but it wasn't me. Whoever it was, she was much older than I was at the time. She didn't have braces, she didn't have little hearts on her cheeks. She looked so tall, strong and confident, but sad, sad and horrified at what I was doing. She looked like she was screaming at me, "you don't have to do this!" 

"When I jumped I threw myself off the bridge. That pushed me just past the rocks. Still when I hit the water I broke my arm..."

Star exploded off the chair and hugged Pauline with all her might, wailing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I should have kept in contact with you. I should have brought you with me."

"Hey, its okay, but remember what I said about not interrupting?"

Star nodded and backed away, sitting beside her now.

"When I hit the water, the pain was overwhelming. I knew that I was done. I relaxed into the realization that this was what I wanted and waited for whatever was next. While I was down there a voice asked me."

' _Are you sure this is what you want?'_

"Not really, but what else is there left for me? I'm going to die alone, I might as well just get it over with."

 _'Is the pain really that bad_?'

"Yes, it's all I can think of."

 _'The pain is you. This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Are you still sure that you want to do this_?'

"That's when I realized who the woman in the reflection was, it was me! An ideal version of me, a me who had outgrown the pain and loneliness. Someone who had a good life, who might have a family and friends that she would never see again. I wasn't just killing myself, I was killing her! I may have been willing to die for some great cause. Or even sacrifice myself on the altar of my own issues. But I couldn't kill her! I kicked, I struggled, I could see the surface, just out of reach when an arm came down and fished me out of the water. Things are really hazy after that, I remember flashes of the shore. Then waking up in the hospital. I had lost my wings, my backpack, my headband. The water had washed my hearts off my face. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. But I couldn't help but notice that I looked a lot more like the woman in the reflection now."

"There was an off duty firefighter fishing nearby. When I hit the water, he ran upstream and rescued me. I told everyone that I had just gone for a swim. I think my parents believed me, the firefighter didn't though. A little while later he confronted me and whispered in my ear that people don't usually go swimming with their boots on. He strongly advised me to seek help."

"When I got out of the hospital I followed his advice. I had to understand what the voice meant by, "the pain is me." My research led me down some really weird roads. But I got an answer, in the form of "shadow work". It's a psychoanalysis technique that goes by many names. Freud called it the id, Jung called it the shadow. In any case it basically consists of delving into the core of who you really are and seeing the parts of yourself that you aren't proud of. The parts you don't acknowledge, yet are there wether we like it or not. The parts of us that are repressed by our societies, families, even governments. My obsession with you was part of it. The reason why I wanted to become more like you and for that matter why I obsessed over Britney before you showed up was because the two of you were everything I was not. Popular, outgoing, confident, yadda yadda. So I had to ask myself who I really was. This is an oversimplification but I was trying to be two different people and you can't be yourself and someone else at the same time. So I had to work through the contradictions in my own mind. I found some really twisted and dark stuff down there."

"That realization kept me sane through high school as I tried to work through the nonsense in my head. Then I went to college. I stopped working on my issues because I was overwhelmed with schoolwork. The people I was surrounded by didn't help. The average geologist or college student treats three shots of whiskey like most people treat a glass of water. After a year of that I was completely out of control. Things came to a head when I was involved in a pretty bad car crash. I was riding with a couple of drunken idiots to God knows where to do God knows what when they hit a tree. I was fine, the driver was killed."

"I realized after that, that I needed a shortcut, some kind of tool to allow me to integrate what I had learned and cut through all the clutter in my life that was driving me towards destruction. The best such tool I could find was hallucinogenic drugs. I looked around and as luck would have it the first one I found was the most powerful one in existence. A molecule called 5meoDMT. When I took 5meo I... Well I can't really describe it, it was overwhelming. But it allowed me to integrate what was going on in my head faster and smoother than any other kind of therapy I tried. It got really weird though, weirder than any of the freaky shit I ever saw you do Star. So I took my cure and backed away from it. Later on I did some more research on 5meo, it does many things but the most important thing it did for me was allowing me to fully integrate with my shadow side. I think that's the reason why you thought I was an impostor when we met up. Simply put, I'm not the kid you knew in school."

"Later on I did more research on 5meo. It seems that I wasn't using it properly, there are techniques to get the most out of it that I didn't know when I tried it the first time. It also requires multiple dosings, and some of the side effects can get really fucking weird. With everything else going on in my life I hadn't thought about it much until last night. When you 'dipped down' you appeared to be acting like someone in the deepest depths of a 5meo trip."

"Huh, weird, I have never heard of this 5meo stuff."

"As I said it seemed familiar, not quite identical though. Your dipping was too brief and out of nowhere to be anything like the 5meo use I'm familiar with. But I'm thinking this stuff might be the secret to understanding what happens when you dip down. Prolonging the experience might help you understand it. At the very least it could help you deal with all the other trauma you have gone through."

"Huh, yeah, that sounds interesting. From what little I have found on the subject dipping down is one of the most poorly understood magical techniques known."

Pauline smiled and replied.

"Very good, but we aren't going to be dealing with that today. I'm meeting a client in Sisters for a late lunch meeting so I am going to be gone for awhile today. There's food in the fridge, I think my cable bill has been paid so hopefully the TV still works."

"Can I come with you?"

"If you like, but it might be kinda boring."

"Boring is good, after years of terror, chaos and frustration I am looking for boring."

"Okay, boring it is!"

"Pauline."

"Yes."

Not moving an inch, Star whispered.

"Seriously, Starfa... Pauline, I'm soooo sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most."

"Star, you are a good friend, but that incident was just things coming to a head. Something like that was going to happen eventually and as painful as it was, I think it prevented me from much greater pain later on. I really don't know how you would have handled it if you had been there. My issues were mine and mine alone to deal with. Now it's your turn, I'll do what I can to help but you are going to have to deal with your own demons, and it sounds like yours are worse than mine."

Star exploded off the bed and announced, "hugs!"

After a few silent moments of hugging Star asked.

"Um, you said that you had some pretty dark stuff hiding in your subconscious. What did you mean by that? And how did you get past it?"

"I got past it by acknowledging it. That is the core of shadow work."

"What did you acknowledge?"

Pauline looked at a clock, "I suppose we have time. I could explain it to you. But it would be faster and easier to show you."

Star pulled out of the hug. "Okay, if it is your writings then I am going to have to decline. No offense, but reading your stuff was like pulling teeth."

"Ha, good to see that you can give me your honest opinion on that! But no, it's a movie."

Pauline walked to the living room where she took out a DVD and handed the case to Star.

"Perfect Blue? A cartoon!? Aren't we both a little old for cartoons?"

Pauline laughed deeply, "this may be an animated program. But this is no kids show my dear. I saw this for the first time shortly after my suicide attempt. If I had seen it before I might not have thrown myself off that bridge. This is going to blow your mind."

One hour and eighteen minutes later.

"StarFan."

"Yes."

"During the campaign I fought several monsters that used mind control. Nothing, and I mean nothing that any monster threw at me was half as insane as that."

"Ha, told you!"

"Why did you show me that? What the fuck was that? I feel, unclean and confused as shit! What were you saying about showing me the darkness in your subconscious. What did any of that have to do with anything?"

"I don't think I was quite as bad as what you saw there. But I think this is a reflection of my obsession with you. I would be Rumi and you would be Mima."

Star leapt off the couch, spinning around pressing her hands against Pauline's shoulders, pinning her to the couch. She firmly and coldly stated.

"That's not you, you hear me! that's not you. You aren't anything like that maniac, don't you ever say anything like that."

Pauline smiled, in an alarmingly cheerful voice she replied.

"Well, would you rather I say that I was Me-Mania?"

"Have you completely lost your fucking mind? You aren't a stalker, you aren't a murderer!"

"As I said, this movie is an extreme case, but come on Star! I may have been a kid, but I qualified as a stalker. I was obsessed with you! If you had asked me I would have hurt people for you. Although I hope I would have hesitated at sending letter bombs or stabbing people to death with screwdrivers. I think that painting in my room illustrates that I would have gladly helped you hunt monsters if you had ever asked. The guy who directed this film, Satoshi Kon specialized in films that reflect the darker, chaotic elements of the human mind. The things we don't want to acknowledge, yet come bubbling up to the surface as we go through our lives. Shadow work is usually ugly and confusing, but it's like a broken arm. It doesn't go away if we ignore it. By acknowledging the ugliness, the contradictions and insanity in my own self I have learned how to transcend them. To be who I truly am."

Pauline stared into Star's blue eyes and announced.

"I must have a dark side if I am to be whole."

Pauline leaned forward and delicately kissed Star on the nose. Star flew off of her shouting.

"What the fuck was that for!?"

"Me indulging in my dark side, I wanted you to get your hands off my shoulders and telling you to get off didn't seem as much fun."

"Well, don't make a habit of that."

In a slightly fake, cloying tone Pauline replied.

"Aww, but I like kissing you Star."

Star swallowed hard, backing away further, feeling profoundly uncomfortable, asking.

"Uh, didn't you say something about a lunch meeting?"

As the garage doors opened Star was slightly surprised to see that the car in Pauline's garage was identical to the one on the poster in her living room.

"Pretty car." Star stated.

"Isn't it? 2014 Porsche 911, it's not all that practical, but damn if it isn't fun."

"Okay, this looks really expensive, I know you said that your job pays well. But how can you afford all this?"

Pauline sighed, "do you remember that drunken car crash I mentioned?"

"Yeah."

"One of the guys I was in the car with was a trust fund brat. Seriously loaded. His family paid off my college debt and tossed in a nice chunk of cash in exchange for me saying that he was never anywhere near the accident. They probably saved a huge amount of money doing that."

Pauline started the engine. Star was slightly surprised to hear it roar. She had never been around a car like this, she was used to the boring utility of minivans and buses. This vehicle was clearly not made to safely shuttle around families. This was designed to go fast and do little else.

Pauline announced, "buckle up" as she threw the car into first gear. After rumbling out of the garage and closing the door she stomped on the gas, speeding down the quiet suburban street.

Pauline drove like a maniac. Never missing an opportunity to accelerate. Weaving around cars, threading through traffic like a harpy eagle flying through a forest. once they were out of the city they went onto a very curvy road through a lava bed from a dormant volcano.

Star hadn't been this scared in years. At first it had been exhilarating, the rumble of the engine and the sensation of speed was intoxicating. However as the velocity increased she began to really miss her armor. All the while she put on a brave face for her friend, but after awhile it was just too much. After every turn in the winding road Pauline pushed the car faster and faster. All the while Star was desperately hoping that there wouldn't be a slower moving vehicle or some other obstacle on this ridiculous lava bed road.

As they came out of the lava bed onto a strait away there were no cars in sight. Pauline stomped on the gas, speeds increased, well past a hundred miles an hour. As the trees whipped by faster and faster Star finally screamed.

"Enough, stop, please!"

Pauline tapped the brakes and let the car coast to a stop by the road. As soon as the car stopped Star leapt out and almost retched, but caught herself.

"What's wrong?" Pauline asked genuinely concerned and confused.

"I, I uh, I can't handle that kind of driving. Can you please drive slower?"

"After everything you have been through you can't handle a little fast driving?"

"Not really, I'm used to flying, or inter-dimensional travel. This is, phew, this is just too weird."

"Okay, never would have imagined that I would ever make it too weird and wild for Star Butterfly. Well, okay, perhaps I did a little bit."

"I'm definitely going to pay you back for this."

"Looking forward to it my friend, shall we get back on the road?"

"Yeah, sure. Just keep it slow."

They drove the rest of the way at around the posted speed limit. Once Star caught her breath Pauline told her.

"It's probably for the best that you told me to knock it off. I get way too many speeding tickets in this thing."

"Yeah, I bet you do driving like that. If I were a cop I would ticket your tight little ass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving ahead, if you would like to know more about 5meo and its use causing (at least in my opinion) a striking similarity to the altered state known in SvFoE as "dipping down" I highly recommend researching the works of one Martin W Ball and his podcast, The Entheogenic Evolution.
> 
> Also, my brain decided to storyboard the scene on the bridge when I listened to this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9m9uD1sjIM


	5. In the darkest depths.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title. Star Goes HAM.

We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,  
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Market Place,  
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come  
That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.

The gods of the Copybook Headings, by Rudyard Kipling.

 

Not long after arriving in Sisters Oregon they split up. Pauline explained that her client was a very conservative guy from China who might react poorly to the existence of an interdimensional Sorceress. Star nodded and went off on her own way, negotiations had never been a forte of hers and after years of conflict she guessed that she was probably less diplomatic now than when she was fourteen. While Pauline went to her meeting Star wandered around the tourist shops that lined Main Street.

The shops were full of frontier and native culture kitsch. Star made educated guesses as to the purpose of various devices. This had been something she had really missed about Earth, exploration. Finding out about other cultures, their odd little rituals, and trying to equate them to some Mewnian counterpart.

She tried to focus on this little reenactment of her childhood to get her mind off the fact that her head was swimming in confusion and her body was itchy. The itch was a manifestation of a variety of uncomfortable, unfamiliar feelings welling up inside. The crazy driving, that insane movie. Her alleged statement of love while in an altered state of consciousness, and worst of all. That damned kiss. To an outside observer it had seemed like an innocent peck on the nose. But oh it had felt good! too damn good.

"Fuck, it's been way too long since anyone kissed me. Why did it have to be her?" She grumbled under her breath as she walked into an art gallery.

Star found a mid sized framed painting that struck her fancy. A herd of buffalo grazing before a mountain. She couldn't help but be entranced by the peaceful scene. Then she checked the price tag, $650.

She stormed out of the shop. Shouting to herself.

"Six hundred and fifty bucks, it had to be six fifty didn't it!? Could have been any number in the world but no! Reminders everywhere I go, did I forget to undo a fucking curse or something?!"

Pauline was exiting a coffee shop as Star walked by in a huff, she clapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Star is everything okay?"

Star looked her up and down. Still in a state of amazement over the physical transition her friend had been through over the past decade. She shook her head to try to get those thoughts out of her mind and asked.

"So, how did the negotiation go?"

"Well, its complicated."

"Complicated how?"

"I, I uh, sort of agreed to the job, but I think I am going to need your help with it. It's a survey for a proposed mining operation near the Congo-Uganda border. It's one of the most dangerous places on Earth right now but this mine could provide jobs and stability needed to calm the place down. The risk is high, but the pay is very good, and you would get a share. I am going to need your help. I wanted to ask if you were okay with this before I took the job."

"Sure, let's do it, what's the worst that can happen?"

"Yes, thank you, but for the love of God don't ever say that whenever Africa comes up. That continent has an amazing ability to throw things at you that even someone like you can't imagine."

A deranged smile wriggled across Star's face. A smile she hadn't felt in awhile. The last time might have been when she came perilously close to murdering Ms Skullnick with a rocket launcher.

"Okay now I have to do this."

Pauline hugged her and walked back inside the coffee shop to accept the job.

Normally it would have taken a week to get the proper paperwork, plane tickets and equipment for a journey like this. With the dimensional scissors all Pauline had to do was get her surveying equipment together along with a backpack for Star. Pauline exuded to her as she admired the scissors.

"This is awesome, no passport controls, no permission slips and best of all? No TSA! I can bring my pistol with me. We are going to have all sorts of fun with these scissors Star!"

"Just don't make too many portals with those at the same time in the same place. Hekapoo might show up and tell you to knock it off. Although nowadays that fucking bitch is probably busy..."

"Busy doing what Star?"

"Uh, nothing, we had kind of a falling out, never mind, that chick is crazy. Let's go!"

Pauline took up the dimensional scissors and concentrated as hard as she could on the location that they wanted to go. Right before she made the incision she quipped to Star, "you know this would be a lot easier if I had actually been to this place before."

"Next time you should study some pictures of where we are going, that might help."

"Cool, well, here goes nothing."

As soon as the portal was open they walked through.

They left Oregon after sunset, in the Congo it was early morning, sunlight was just starting to filter through the trees. They were going to have a hell of a case of dimension lag. But there was plenty of light where the two friends had appeared, everything was on fire. Star immediately cast a spell.

"Cotton candy fire extinguish!"

Star spun around launching tons of sugary pink fire retardant foam all over trees, vehicles, buildings, eventually the fire started to die down.

Pauline checked her GPS.

"This is the right location, but this isn't right. Mr Zhang said that he would have someone here to meet me.

Star pointed over to a ruined building.

"Someone like that?"

Pauline walked over to the corpse of a half burned Chinese man. Before she could get a word out the sound of gunfire rang out. She unholstered her pistol while Star cast another spell in a grim tone.

"Radiant shadow transform."

Within moments Star was in a simple suit of armor, not as strong and refined as the set she left in Oregon. No layered defenses of magic and quality forged metals, no articulated joints, no Kevlar helmet. Just a cuirass, leg guards, arm guards and a metal skirt. But it was better protection than the cargo pants, shirt and vest that Pauline had loaned her. Gunshots drew closer as a crowd of people came running up a dirt path between charred buildings. They ran right past Star and Pauline, barely noticing them as they fled for their lives.

Moments later a dozen heavily armed men came walking along behind them. A few carried rifles, the rest carried machetes.

"Narwhal blast!"

A pod of small horned whales crashed into the men. Knocking them all on their asses. As the narwhals dissolved back into the magical ether. Star asked them in a serious tone.

"Now I don't know who you are or what you are doing, but didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to chase people with big knives?"

They muttered curses in languages that neither Star or Pauline recognized as they scrabbled to their feet. One of them leveled a rifle at Star. A shot rang out.

Pauline had drilled the man right through the chest.

The rest of the men scrabbled to their feet, running in terror from this unexpected resistance. Star looked in horror at the still smoking barrel of the P30. Then at the dead man on the ground. She couldn't speak, so the words were left to sing through her mind like arrows.

" _Oh no, no no no. My poor, innocent Starfan. I've gone and dragged you into another war. Like I dragged so many others."_

Pauline holstered her pistol, took a deep breath and quietly announced.

"Wow! This is messed up!"

"Who are these guys!?" Star almost screamed.

"Just a guess, but I would say that they are part of one of the local militia groups. There are dozens in this area."

"This is the danger you warned me about?"

"Yeah, I mean, I was expecting trouble but nothing this bad the second we showed up."

"What, why, what do they want? Why are they burning down this village?"

"It would take a long time to explain, but there are dozens of groups of armed thugs, child soldiers, enslaved women, slaughtering the crap out of each other and everyone else in this part of the world."

Pauline reached down to take the dead man's rifle.

"This is the history of Africa, playing out before you. People slaughtering each other over bits of dirt."

She checked the rifle and started pilfering the man's magazines.

"This rifle is called an FN-FAL, and that is how you pronounce it motherfuckers, Eff Enn. Holds twenty rounds of 308 ammo, this one is in great condition. The ammo looks surprisingly clean too. People have been using these rifles to kill each other on this continent for the past fifty years. Before this rifle existed they used swords and spears. Before those existed, they used rocks. The war never changes, just the weapons. We are going to need this to get away from these lunatics."

"Why, why don't we just go back to your house?"

Pauline chambered a round.

"Because there is one thing that might stop the killing here. It won't be anything I can do with this rifle. It won't be anything you can do with your magic, it will be money. The almighty dollar, or more likely the yuan. The history of Africa is a history of people slaughtering each other over limited resources, usually food. So the solution is obvious. These people need more and better managed resources. They need something to do besides kill each other and in Africa that thing is usually mining. If I can get this survey done then the Chinese will come here, get things under control and they just might be able to provide the incentive needed to get these people to stop killing each other. We can go back whenever you like, but if I can complete the survey we stand a chance of stopping this war and you never seemed like the kind of person to shy away from a challenge."

Star looked at the chaos around her. This wasn't the first time that she had been dumped into a war that she poorly understood. Still, she couldn't help but notice that Pauline was handling this very well. Given her total lack of hesitation at shooting, perhaps too well. Her confidence was infectious.

Pauline clapped her on the shoulder.

"So what's it going to be?"

Star raised the wand and smiled ferociously.

"Let's do this!"

Star and Pauline started walking towards the sound of more gunfire. Behind a clump of bushes was a machine gun mounted on a pickup truck. The gunner was pouring fire into a row of buildings. Star sighted in on it.

"Raspberry panzerfaust!"

As the technical blew sky high, Pauline aimed her FAL at anyone she could see with a weapon in their hands. In moments they had a division of fire established. Star fired on groups of men and vehicles. While Pauline fired at everything left over. Random soldiers, snipers, machine gunners, men charging at them with machetes.

308 caliber bullets tore through bodies, sometimes multiple bodies, like daggers through wet cardboard. The destruction wrought by the FAL was nothing compared to what Star was doing with the wand. She abandoned her less than lethal spells, using spells that she had developed during the worst days of the monster campaign. Deadly leech bombs, plasma pulses, laser blasts, with the occasional thing like a killer bee tornado swarm tossed in just for fun. The wands appearance as a child's toy belying the fact that it was the most powerful magical weapon in existence. Blasting vehicles hundreds of feet and obliterating men where they stood in a ever growing maelstrom of chaos and carnage.

Somehow one fighter came close enough to Star to attack just inside point blank range for the wand, appearing from inside a crumbling building. Pauline didn't even notice him, she was focused on reloading her rifle. Star noticed just in time, she couldn't get him with the wand without blasting herself so she stepped towards the machete. Using her wrist guards to deflect the blade towards the dirt. As the blade struck the ground she punched its owner as hard as she could. Before he could recover she scooped up his machete and decapitated the man in one smooth stroke. Kicking the corpse away to keep from being splashed with his blood.

As Pauline chambered a fresh magazine into her rifle she shouted.

"Oh Jesus, Star, are you okay!?"

"Im fine, nothing I'm not familiar with."

A bullet zinged by their ears. Despite the absolutely absurd amount of destruction being wrought by the defenders, the attackers tried to rally and charge, using ruins for cover. Pauline dove behind a destroyed vehicle and started shooting again. Star looked at the attackers and felt her rage begin to rise. The only thing she could do was manifest it into a suitable spell. She held the wand above her head triumphantly and coldly incanting.

"Grid square denial."

The wand changed shape yet again. Folding out into a box shape, then another, then another. Twenty boxes in all, from which shrieked missiles. A magical multi shot rocket system. Many of the spells that Star had created to deal with monsters during her adventures through the multiverse were her own interpretation of various weapons she had learned about during her time on Earth. The spells may not have had much of the elegance of her ancestors magics. But they had a brutal efficiency that usually got the job done.

The rockets exploded with incredible force. The Earthly equivalent of each warhead would have been twenty pounds of C4 wrapped in a quarter inch of solid steel. The rockets made a horrible screeching sound as they flew through the air towards their targets. As they hit they created an impenetrable cloud of fire and jagged metal. Within moments the entire assaulting force was either dead or fleeing in terror.

Pauline fired a few potshots at some of the fleeing soldiers. Though she quickly realized the pointlessness of continued firing on her part. Putting her rifle on safe as the last rocket detonated. Star just stood there, breathing in the devastation she had wrought, with a strangely amused, detached expression on her face.

Pauline slung her rifle and clapped her on the shoulder, shouting over her still ringing ears.

"Star, that was so fucking awesome!"

Star stood there silently. She looked down at the wand in her right hand as it retracted back into its usual shape. Then at the machete in her left, still dripping with the warm blood of its previous owner. The stench of burning death surrounded them, the sickly sweetness of decaying corpses. The bitter vapor of smoke. She could almost hear Pauline's heart pounding. See her face flush with sweat, body at peak sensitivity.

Star chuckled, this was all so familiar, the only real difference between what she had done here and what she had done so many other places was that these were men all over the ground, not monsters. She looked down at the decapitated corpse that had been a man not more than three minutes ago. Star felt no guilt, no regret, no pity. If anything she felt detached, cold, even aggravated that they hadn't put up much of a fight. This had been too easy, like swatting flies. It had barely got her heart rate up, Pauline shouted.

"Holy shit, Star, you're bleeding!"

Star looked down, her armor had been clipped by shrapnel. She had a couple of ugly looking gashes on her right hip and right leg. Star observed in a calm tone.

"Huh, looks like they got me. Not to worry."

Star circled the wand above both wounds, murmuring in a language that sounded like Latin. The wounds healed, but the splash of blood didn't go away. She sensed her magic in the hip wounds. Evidently one of her rockets had detonated a little too close. She guessed that the leg wounds were from bullets. As the magical shrapnel dissolved into her body she explained.

"Had to really step up my game on healing spells after Eclipsa started hurting everyone. See, everything is okay."

Pauline bent over to take a closer look at the holes in Star's breastplate. Seeing that the flesh inside was indeed, as good as new. While she stared Star congratulated her.

"You are pretty good at this."

Pauline stood back up and replied in a somewhat surprised tone.

"Yeah, it was weird. It was like I was on a range, shooting at targets. I just let training take over."

Star started walking slowly, in no particular direction, as a person does who has been stunned, replying. "Yep, that's exactly what you are supposed to do when the firing starts."

While Star kept watch, Pauline went looking for survivors. She found a few wounded villagers. Using first aid equipment that she always kept with her on any long trip she did what she could for their wounds and asked them what had happened in halting, poorly pronounced Swahili. At first she hoped that what they told her was inaccurate, or that she was mistranslating their words. But as more and more villagers turned up, looking for food, water and shelter she kept hearing the same story over and over again. Eventually someone claiming to be a doctor showed up, he spoke passable English. He confirmed what she had heard from the rest of them. She left the survivors in his care.

Pauline walked up to Star as loudly as she could, trying not to sneak up on her, announcing.

"We got to go right now."

"Why, what's happening?"

"I thought that the men attacking the village were militia, terrorists, bandits, random bad guys. They were actually the local army. The locals tell me that a few days ago a United Nations official came to this village and announced that the people here are to be moved to a city. They were to turn over their land for a UN rewilding program. Turn it from farmland into wilderness, plant trees. It's all part of some program to stop global warming. Since this is an army we are talking about they will be back. In greater numbers with much heavier weapons, we have got to go!"

"The United Nations? The government over all your governments is behind this?"

"That's what it sounds like. These are not people to be messed with. We have to go right now!"

"No."

"No!? In gods name why?!"

"Because this is wrong, this is insane, this is evil. These people shouldn't be pushed off their land just because some bureaucrat wants to plant some trees. I'm staying here and ending this."

"You can't, it doesn't end here. This is part of a system that is all over the world. If you stay here and fight they will just send bigger and bigger armies after you until..."

"Then I will kill them too!!!" Star interrupted. "This is what I do, this is what I am, this is what I did for years. Every day there was a bigger monster and everyday I killed it. Across time and space, I destroyed things you can't even begin to imagine. I kept you safe from nightmares beyond your darkest dreams. Things that would skin you alive and eat your liver before you even realized that it was hiding under your bed. I exterminated evils across the multiverse that were eating innocent souls before your ancestors figured out the wheel. I worked with the French government, I know exactly what your militaries can do. Any army that your United Nations sends after me will be no more than a swarm of mosquitoes to me."

In a state of utter disbelief Pauline threw her arms around her and bitterly howled in her face.

"No, this isn't you, this can't be you. The Star Butterfly I knew would never do something like this."

Star looked at her with contempt.

"Yeah, well I guess we all have to grow up sometime."

Pauline pulled away from her and stated.

"No, this isn't growing up, this is madness. You are declaring war on the entire planet. I thought that you liked Earth?"

"Earth is just part of a greater whole, a collection of planets and realities stretching across the infinite fabric of spacetime. When I finish it will look a bit rougher, but everyone here will be better off. You will see, you all need to see need to see! Evil cannot be reasoned with, it cannot be compromised with. It must be burned away."

Pauline pulled herself together, summoning her courage and as strong a voice as she could she announced.

"Star, I have been dreaming about this day for years. Since the day we met I wanted to be with you, fight alongside you. Celebrate your victories and mourn your defeats. I was willing to die for you. But not for this, not for a declaration of war against my world. You aren't the person I knew back then. She would have never have even contemplated anything this insane."

She unholstered her P30, placing it against Star's head. For a moment Star's iron resolve softened. Rage turned into confusion.

"Starfan, what do you think you are doing? How can you even think about doing something this mean?"

Pauline growled out the words viciously.

"I am doing this because you have lost your goddamn mind, and my name is Pauline."

She clicked off the safety.

Star had heard this song and dance before, but never quite like this, never with a bullet behind it. At this range there was nothing she could do if Pauline pulled the trigger. Logic trickled back into her mind. She remembered that she had lost everything. All of her friends were either dead or never wanted to see her again. She had come back to Earth specifically because she knew that what she had been doing wasn't working out and now here she was, about to do exactly what had gotten her exiled from Mewni in the first place. With the cherry on top being that she would have to kill her last friend in the multiverse to do it.

Star looked down at the wand. Then she looked at her other hand.

Blood.

Human blood.

Not the blood of a monster, not even an irredeemable villain like Eclipsa. The blood of some fool who had been following orders. Finishing this job would require a sea of blood and fire.

Star handed the wand to Pauline as her eyes went wide.

"Take it, I give up."

As the tears began to flow Star shouted and sobbed.

"I'm, so, sorry!"

They hugged again, Star grabbed the dimensional scissors and whispered in her ear.

"Take us home, before I do something else incredibly stupid."

Pauline hit the decock button on her pistol, grabbed the scissors and cut open a portal to her home as fast as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As fun as it is to imagine an incredibly powerful magical girl fighting enemies from beyond this world. I prefer to imagine how they would deal with threats from this world.


	6. Love All Conquering.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their passions inflamed by surviving a small war our two main characters surrender to romantic tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I didn't add the tag a bit of smut just for decoration. Suppose we had better get to the romantic part.

With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch,  
They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch;  
They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings;  
So we worshipped the Gods of the Market who promised these beautiful things.

The Gods of the Copybook Headings, by Rudyard Kipling.

 

Star tore herself out of her armor. Most of it was off before Pauline threw their packs and the rifle through the portal. Star was crying, loudly as she crashed headlong into the couch. Pauline racked the last round out of the FAL, double checked that the portal was closed and hugged her friend. Star just cried louder as years of repressed emotions began to boil to the surface.

Pauline held her throughout the whole thing.

After about an hour the crying finally ebbed. By then they had settled into a somewhat comfortable position sitting next to each other on Pauline's couch.

As the crying stopped Star stated. "You don't have time to cry when you are fighting monsters, you have to save that for later. Later never came, shit, I was sitting on that for years. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that."

Pauline just held her and observed. "It happens, though it takes on a whole new level of horror when it happens to someone who can blow up the world."

"Shit, shit, shit. I lost my mind back there didn't I?"

"Yeah, but what matters is that you calmed down."

Star glared at her with a look of disbelief.

"You put a gun to my head!"

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that."

"No, no you did the right thing. I wish some of my officers had stood up to me the way you did. Just, let's not speak of this again shall we?"

"Already forgotten Star. Geeez, it's two in the morning. We should probably get some rest."

"Separately or together?"

"Any way you like, but I would be delighted to share my bed with you again."

As soon as the word left her mouth Pauline knew she had tipped her hand. It wasn't just that she used the word delighted, it was the tone. Entirely too seductive. Star looked down, her radiant shadow transformation spell had changed her clothes into armor. Taking that armor off left her wearing little more than her underwear, socks and a pair of shorts. She hadn't really noticed how little she was wearing until this moment. All of a sudden she felt very naked and vulnerable. Star finished wiping away her tears and asked in confusion.

"Pauline, are, are you attracted to me?"

Pauline pulled back, trying to cover her tracks. "Attracted to you? Well, sort of."

"What does sort of mean?"

Pauline shuddered for a moment and replied. "Okay I admit it, I want to be with you. I have for a long time, I know I told you that I had a crush on you when we were kids. But I didn't want to make our relationship any more complicated than it already was. Also the way you chased Oscar, winding up with Marco. I didn't think you swung that way."

"I don't, well, I don't think I do. Ah shit, with everything that has happened I don't even know what I want anymore."

Pauline may have been in a calmer mood than Star, but that was relative. She was still in an adrenaline soaked fury from the fight. She knew that she had to say how she felt right now or it would never be said. Her hands came up to her face, as if she was trying to shield her face from Star and angrily explained as she faced the floor.

"I know exactly what I want, I want you Star! I'm sorry if I sound pushy but I want, no I need to see where this goes. If it doesn't work out then we can never speak of it again. You can just leave and go anywhere in the multiverse... if you can't stand to look at me ever again then I will bear that alone, but I have to know if, if..."

Pauline forced back tears. About to start punching herself at having said something so aggressive.

Star gently placed her hand on Pauline's chin, bringing their faces together. Star was glowing, quite literally; the hearts on her cheeks were as bright as the light of two candles. She replied as kindly as a breeze across a field of wild flowers.

"Hey, no need to cry; there is nothing you could say or do right now that would make me want to leave."

Pauline kissed her. Electricity, so much electricity. They surrendered to the moment, allowing their hands to touch.

They embraced each other as the kiss grew deeper, tongues invaded each other's mouths. Mutual pleasure enraptured their senses. Star pulled away from the embrace for a moment and looked at her friend. Pauline's face had a couple of fast drying teardrops and an indescribable expression of hope. Star couldn't help but think that she looked impossibly cute.

Still Star hesitated, she wondered if she had gone insane, had the years of trauma finally caused her to snap? Was she really this physically starved? As she thought about the situation anxiety began to creep back in. Centuries of tradition, years of belief, fear at considering the unimaginable.

Then she realized, " _the unimaginable? What could be beyond my imagination at this point?"_

_"Where have all those traditions and beliefs led me? Right here to this moment."_

Star realized that Pauline meant more to her than all that. She remembered Pauline saying that she was willing to die for her. Star's honor demanded that she do the same for her if need be. More than that she needed to stop thinking in such militaristic terms. She didn't want to anymore, she didn't need to anymore. Then came the final realization.

Yes, she was that physically starved.

For the first time in far too many years Star surrendered. They kissed again, returning to their entwined embrace. Pauline was completely overwhelmed, she couldn't help but giggle a little as her fantasies were coming true and it was every bit as wonderful as she had imagined. She pulled out of the embrace, taking off her clothes. Off came her vest, her sun worn broad brimmed hat, her gun belt and holster. While she took off her clothes Star began taking off what few items of clothing she had left. As soon as they were gone she launched herself at Pauline's bra. Nearly ripping it off as she began kissing every part of Pauline's upper body.

Raw physical hunger overwhelmed Star. Even though she had only the faintest idea what she should be doing in this situation. After Star's first few fumbling attempts at romantic contact Pauline took control of the situation. She pulled Star back up to her face, kissing her as deeply as she could while her hands began to explore every inch of Star's body. Pauline looked around for a moment, noticing that she had forgotten to close her curtains. Those big windows might provide an unexpected show to outside eyes. Even though it was late at night she didn't want to risk an awkward conversation with a neighbor getting an eyeful of her and Star in addition to a midnight snack. She grabbed onto Stars butt; hoisting her into the air, carrying her back to the master bedroom.

As she carried Star she had a flashback to that insane slumber party. When Star fell into her arms atop a pile of their friends. Ever since that night Pauline had numerous fantasies involving carrying Star. She still couldn't believe that this was happening. Yet here they were. Pauline dropped her right in the middle of the bed. Kissing her on the lips one more time she stepped back and closed the heavy drapes as dramatically as she could. She clasped her hands together and announced in a villainous voice.

"Now you are mine princess! There is no one that can save you, you must submit to my whims!"

Star burst out laughing, then she made a swooning gesture, saying dramatically, "oh whatever will I do? Please don't ravish me!"

Pauline laughed somewhat maniacally as she prowled towards her.

She began working on Star oh so slowly. Her hands started at Star's toes, working their way up her body. Feeling around for sensitive areas. Experience had taught Pauline that there were other erogenous zones besides the obvious ones. As her hands came around to Star's back she rediscovered one of Star's little surprises.

" _Her wings, how could I have forgotten about her wings?"_ She thought to herself as she started kissing Star's taut belly muscles. Reminiscing about the day she had gotten those wings. Star had clearly been in the throes of some kind of hormonally driven, passionate madness. " _Let's see what those wings are connected to."_ She thought.

Star screamed, the first grasp was way too hard. Pauline lightened up on her touch. Handling the short wings firmly but carefully. A moment of pain trickled into a moment of pleasure as she worked her fingers up to their top. Taking a moment to contemplate them.

" _These wings are so cool, what the hell was I thinking trying to make my own set? Nothing I ever made could be half as awesome as these!"_

Star couldn't function. She felt her slash growing warmer and wetter. The pleasure overwhelming her upper body was being overcome by the desire flowering in her lower body.

Her legs seized up, she moaned out. "Starfan, I nnnneed."

Taking the cue Pauline shifted down, kissing her way lower and lower; slowly, painfully slowly. Star was about to shove her downward when she made contact with her other set of lips.

The tone of Star's moans shifted, deeper, even louder as Pauline explored her sex. For a moment or two Star felt herself laugh as joy erupted from deep within. As the physical contact deepened and grew more intense with each passing second more and more boundaries fell and beliefs washed away as Star relaxed and truly allowed herself to enjoy the moment.

For a moment all Star saw was nothing, and yet everything. Had she come already? She let go of the sheets that she had been grasping onto for dear life. Looking down at Pauline, her head was rising from between Star's legs. Star gasped as they just looked at each other in a state of speechless wonder.

As Star began to catch her breath Pauline smiled again, she clapped her hands around Star's left ankle and lifted it into the air, kissing the ankle gently. All Star could do was wonder, "oh wow, what now?"

Pauline brought their respective hips together and started grinding her vagina against Star's. Another new sensation, yet one that was more familiar than many of the previous ones. Pauline increased her rhythm slowly at first. Then Star got the idea and reciprocated. Increasing friction as much as they could they raced towards release. Pauline had been relatively quiet throughout the process, but as they drove each other on her gasps began to escalate into moans. Those moans fed into Star's overwhelming desire, forcing each other higher until...

They met seconds apart, pleasure ripped through their two bodies. Overwhelmed, utterly overwhelmed, they fell apart.

After awhile they pulled themselves back together again. Just staring into each other's eyes, enjoying the perfection of this moment.

Star spoke first.

"That was amazing!"

Pauline smiled back at her and replied.

"Yes, that was a personal best for me."

"I'm glad one of us knew what the hell we were doing."

Pauline's face went flat.

"Oh dear god, you, um. You never did it with Marco?"

"Oh come on, you know what I mean. You aren't Marco."

"Yes, sorry I brought him up."

"Oh stop saying you are sorry, there is nothing to apologize for here, I love you."

Star bit her tongue, "why oh why did I say that?" She thought, before she could react Pauline replied.

"I love you too Star. Wow it feels good to say that!"

Star leaned back, taking in an upside down perspective of the painting above the bed.

"It feels good to hear it too."


	7. Nearer to hearts desire.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of our main characters learn some unexpected things.

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.  
\- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Pauline woke up the next morning, Star was still fast asleep. She just lied there taking in the view of her lover sleeping on her face for a little while, smiling. Drinking in the image of Star sleeping peacefully. She felt, satisfied, complete, unbelievably lucky. All she could think was.

" _A year of pursuit and ten years of waiting? worth it!"_

After a little while the force of the stare woke Star up. As her eyes opened Pauline welcomed her back to consciousness.

"Morning lover."

Star smiled nervously. "Morning, wow... I can't believe we did that."

"Neither can I, that was way too much fun."

Star rolled over and propped herself up, replying in a somewhat more confident tone.

"It was wasn't it? really fun, more fun than I imagined it would be."

Pauline began walking the fingers on her left hand up Star's right arm, asking.

"Imagined? You fantasized about me too?"

"Um, that's, well that would have been inappropriate back when we were kids."

She drew closer to Star, delicately kissing her neck. Between kisses she murmured affectionately.

"Oh come on Star, don't talk like my mother; you aren't on Mewni anymore. You can relaaaax."

With her mouth centimeters from Star's ear she whispered.

"Tell me all about how you wanted to fuck me raw!"

Star seized up at the last sentence. Feeling slightly horrified at the appetite of her friend. Despite the events of the past few days Star still occasionally thought of her as that goofy little girl. Not this... voracious woman who drove like a maniac and came a millimeter short of shooting her in the head when she lost her mind. Star turned away and said.

"I know that, but this is still an awful lot for me to deal with."

Seeing that Star wasn't in the mood she pulled back, realizing that this was no time to push things. She attempted to calm things down explaining.

"I understand something like this can be a bit overwhelming, especially if it is your first time with a girl. There is much to unpack and figure out, fortunately we have all the time in the world to do so."

Pauline leapt out of bed and briskly walked towards the bathroom, announcing.

"Breakfast will be ready in twenty minutes."

"Um, would it be okay with you if I made breakfast? I mean you did so much last night that I want to do something for you."

"Ha, no offense, but I am not letting you anywhere near my kitchen! You might be the worst cook I have ever met and something tells me that spending all those years adventuring through the multiverse haven't really improved your cooking skills."

"You know that I didn't spend all of those years wreaking havoc."

"Okay if you want to take a whack at cooking go ahead, but if you set my kitchen on fire I will shoot you with a fire extinguisher."

After Pauline was done in the bathroom she found that Star had made a decent, simple breakfast, observing.

"Cornflakes, okay, that's nice."

"These are pretty popular in Mewni."

"Oh right, your whole economy is based on corn."

"Was based on corn, one of the first things that Marco did was plant seeds of every food crop he could find. That was one of the big changes, he made the Mewnian diet about a hundred times better than it used to be."

"Wow, that must have been, odd, I mean I don't even know how I would feel if I saw something like that."

"Embarrassed, worthless, superfluous, stupid, infuriated at my idiot ancestors that they had never tried the same thing."

"Um, perhaps we should change the subject. Have you had any ideas about what you are going to do next? perhaps find a job?"

"A job? I suppose I could get one, but what would I do? I have a very specific set of skills and there isn't much of a demand for monster hunters on Earth."

"What are you talking about? You are way more than just a monster hunter. Aren't you the most powerful magician in the multiverse? Surely you can find something, I can think of a dozen ways you could make big money in Las Vegas."

"Yeah, I suppose I could, but the last time I tried to make money off of magic it, it didn't work out all that well."

Pauline nodded, recalling a string of epic magical fuck-ups. She smiled with a sweet maliciousness and observed. "Oh well, worst case scenario I can always keep you locked up here as my little love slave."

Star's spoon stopped halfway to her mouth. Falling back to the bowl with a resounding milky crash as she buried her face in her hands.

"That happened... I still can't believe it."

"Oh, what can't you believe about it? I didn't blow your mind did I?"

"Didn't I make it clear that I have never been with a girl before! I was never even attracted to any until you put the moves on me. This is overwhelming! My world shattered and now I feel like my mind is falling apart."

Pauline smiled and made a poetic pose, stating in a whimsical tone.

"Ah Love! could thou and I with Fate conspire. To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, would not we shatter it to bits -- and then re-mould it nearer to the heart's desire!"

Stars hands dropped away, letting her face fall free like a bomb from an aircraft. Smacking her forehead into the table, mumbling. "Now see this is exactly what I mean. 'Did I blow your mind?' You can't stop blowing my mind! Where does that even come from?"

"Its a quote from a Persian poet. I think his name was Omar... something. You learn things like this when you have no friends and nothing to do besides read. Sooner or later you run out of young adult sap and have to dive into the classics. It gets my point across. When we were together last night you didn't seem reluctant at all. You, were, ravenous! A bit unskilled perhaps. But I understand, I went through a difficult phase myself when I was learning who I was, in that sense. You will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Just remember, you are in control here. You can say no to anything we do or leave whenever you like. The last thing I want to do is force you into anything..."

Pauline tilted her head, her smile grew even more crazed as she asked.

"But I really do have to ask, are you absolutely sure that you were not into girls until last night?"

With her forehead still planted in the table Star shuddered and squeaked out.

"Brittney Wong."

Pauline gulped, "um, sorry, did you just say... Brittney?"

"Wong, yeah I did."

Pauline exploded in laughter, once she stopped guffawing she shouted. "Little Miss stuck up head cheerleader? I'll invite you to my birthday when pigs fly? The girl I chased before you showed up! This is the most deliciously ironic thing I have ever heard in my life! Come on, give me the details."

"Aw, shut up!"

"No chance in hell, you must tell me what you saw in her! Was it her looks? She was decent, not the best looking girl in school. It couldn't have been her money, you trumped the fuck out of her in the money and power game. I have to know what was it that you, ha!... Liked about her."

In a tone of resignation Star continued staring at the floor as she explained.

"It was that she was so aloof, so uninterested in me and everything I did. She was the one kid in school who didn't like me. Even Jackie liked me, and she had good reason to hate me. Brittney, I felt like I had to break half the laws of physics just to get her attention. That she really didn't like me and I wanted to change that. There was something about her hatred of me... that I found irresistible. I didn't pursue it any further for reasons which should be obvious. Never mind the whole, um, Oscar-Marco-Jackie, thing."

Given who she was facing, Star realized that there was nothing to be gained from further denials and omissions. She confessed one more such thought.

"There was also a couple of times I dressed Marco up as a girl. The first time we were on an infiltration mission, we both needed disguises. That was, well, let's just say that I have revisited that memory a few times. Marco made a surprisingly cute girl."

Pauline nodded her head in affirmation of the surprisingly complex romantic situation that Star had been in at the time. She reached her hand across the table and announced, "aw, poor Star. I have to admit, that's one of the cutest stories of unrequited love I have ever heard."

Star lifted her head up from the table and smiled. She reached out and took Pauline's hand as she stared into her eyes. An expression of love and hope on her face.

"You really are mind blowing, I mean that in the best sense. I don't want to say no to you. The past few days have been like a dream. I didn't have any clue what I was doing last night but, damn Pauline! You are really good at that! I was just fumbling around in the dark, you, you were like a lock picker."

"Mm, helps to have practiced and done a little research first."

"Well I suppose I am going to have to do a bit of research for next time."

All Pauline could think was.

" _Next time? There's going to be a next time! Yay!"_

Out of her mouth came a snicker as she attempted to sound aloof, "well, you aren't going to find any shortage of research material."

With a mouthful of flakes Star replied laconically.

"Yeah, I noticed that the last time I was here. This whole damn planet is obsessed with kinky sex."

"You say that like its a bad thing."

They both laughed at that. As the chuckles died down Pauline had one last thought.

" _Star and Brittney and a cross dressing Marco? Ooh, that's hot! Unlikely, but hot."_

 

 

Later on in the day Pauline left, she had another client. All this one wanted was a survey of some nearby land for a gas station. Star was alone, with her wand still locked up she kicked around the house for a little while. She decided to do the inevitable thing, watch some TV.

Star hadn't watched too much TV the last time she was on Earth. She had always been too busy with school, friends, adventures and hobbies. School was out forever, she only had one friend left, her hunger for adventure utterly satiated. Her weapons collection was much reduced from its past glories and she did not have any model ships to assemble.

Flipping through various channels she came to an obvious conclusion.

"This is all so boring!"

She had never been all that into watching TV when she was last on Earth. There were far too many exciting things to experience back then. After having experienced excitements over the past decade that would probably cause most humans to die from fright most of what Star saw on TV was entirely too predictable. Every show she tried to watch was just a bunch of contrived, cliched, obvious nonsense. So she flipped over to the news channels.

"Damn, this is even worse!"

The news was just a pile of fear-mongering propaganda, focused on insignificant things. She realized one of the reasons why Pauline had such an odd taste in entertainment might be because they both liked to be surprised.

Considering that she looked and looked but could find nothing about anything happening in the Congo on any of the news channels.

"I don't get it, I blew up dozens of men, Pauline shot at least ten more, why is there nothing here about what we did?"

She gave up on the TV and picked up Pauline's spare laptop. She started with the search term "Congo".

She got a huge amount of information, only parts of it relevant. Just as Pauline had told her, the region had a long history of bloody conflict. So she tried, UN, Congo. With similar vast results. Finally she tried, UN, Congo, rewilding program.

Within moments she was crying, after three minutes she almost threw up. One thing led to another, to another. Atrocity after atrocity, secret wars, not just in the Congo, all across the third world. Star was dragged through a raw, recent history of the planet Earth. Governments, corporations, terrorists, all locked in a never ending cycle of conflict, exploitation and cruelty.

Pauline came back from her meeting in a cheerful mood. Announcing as she arrived, "hey Star, I stopped by the supermarket and got some fresh vegetables and meat, figured we might try something a little more ambitious for... Dinner, oh wow, is everything okay?"

As the tears streamed down Star replied, "no, it's not okay. I didn't know Pauline, I didn't know. I, I almost got involved in another war I knew nothing about. Thank you for stopping me."

"Um, you're welcome? Star, what have you been doing?"

She pointed to the laptop, Pauline put down the groceries and looked it over. Clicking through the windows of pictures and text detailing horror after horror.

"Oh dear, oh dear dear dear. You red-pilled yourself."

"I did what now?"

"You take the red pill you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes?"

"Oh right, we saw that with Marco, the movie with the evil machines and slowing down time. I think that's when I first imagined spider with a top hat. What about it?"

"It's a term that entirely too many people associate with the Men's Rights Movement nowadays, but to me taking the red pill just means that you do your own research on how the world is and you find that things are not as they seem. You dug up the corruption, the insanity, the exploitation that lies just under the surface. Especially in the third world. Now you know the backstory of the secret war that we got dragged into. I thought you already knew about this? You were the one who made us watch Blackhawk Down."

"What do you mean?"

"That movie was all about this insanity. Well, not exactly this, but you have to remember that it was UN troops that rescued them at the end of the film."

"You mean that really happened? I thought it was a movie! fantasy and make believe!"

"The movie was a reenactment of a real battle. That's one of the reasons why I took the Congo job. I thought you wanted to see all this for yourself."

Star grabbed Pauline, imploring her. "How can you keep a war secret!? It's a war! People die, things explode, homes are burned down!"

"It stays a secret because no one talks about it, and no one cares. Life is cheap and death is cheaper. As long as people in the first world get their TVs, their computers and steel belted radials they don't care if a village got wiped out to get the metals that make their computers work. Or a culture that existed for five thousand years was uprooted and destroyed to get the oil that made their steel belted radials. Star, from what you have told me about Mewni, it has, or had all these problems and worse. It's just that Mewni is such a smaller kingdom that you saw all the ugliness first hand instead of having it exported to some distant country."

Star sat back down, the line between fantasy and reality had been a little blurry the last time she was on Earth. She wondered for a moment how many other movies and TV shows had been reenactments of real events. "Shit, there is an awful lot that I missed out on last time didn't I?"

"Don't get too upset about it, you were just a kid back then."

"How do you know about this stuff if it some huge secret, yet available to anyone with a computer?"

"You have to learn this stuff in my line of work. When you travel to out of the way places for a living you see the violence inherent in the system pretty quickly. You see the insanity, the hypocrisy, the evil that drives so much of humanity up close and personal."

A realization hit Star.

"You have seen horrors around this planet haven't you? That's why you didn't hesitate when we were surrounded by those thugs in the Congo."

Pauline sat down and exhaled, "yeah, I probably haven't seen as much as you have. I never fought monsters or abominations from the dawn of time. Yesterday was the first gunfight I had ever been in. But yes, I have seen some shit."

Star sat down beside her. Muttering in a tone of disbelief.

"I just can't believe that the rest of Earth is so messed up. I thought that all of Earth was like it is here. But it's really just another reflection of the multiverse isn't it? A few good parts and lots of shitty parts."

"I suppose, we do what we can, and sometimes we luck out make it a little less shitty."

Star hugged her, Pauline reciprocated, enjoying the moment. But there was something else on Star's mind, she whispered a question.

"Pauline, why, how are you able to handle all this so well?"

"The evils of Earth? The same way I dealt with my own issues. I like to think that I do all that I can to reduce the bad stuff. In the end you have to see that evil, nastiness and darkness is just a part of life. You have to take the bad with the good and appreciate the whole for what it is."

"I don't think I can do that, I have spent too much time fighting evil to ever imagine that I could live with it."

"Well, that's a problem Star; a damn big one. Evil is a nebulous concept and we all have the capability for it. The more someone tries to fight evil within themselves the more that evil will define them. That is a major part of integration and shadow work."

Star nodded politely, but she didn't understand everything that Pauline was saying. Looking down at the computer, that boundless source of knowledge. Especially knowledge that you didn't want to face, she became resolved to understand.


	8. Vincerò

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 100% Distilled romantic tension, served on the rocks. With a wedge of irony and a whiff of angst. Poured whilst glancing at an unopened bottle of comfort.

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.  
\- Ingrid Bergman

 

"You really carry that pistol on you every day?"

"Everyday and everywhere they allow me. Please don't give me an argument about gun control, Star."

"Gun control? Feh! Do you really think someone who walks around with a weapon of mass destruction is in any position to make an argument like that without sounding like a total hypocrite? Nah, I'm just jealous you have a holster for that thing. I really don't know why I didn't make one for my wand. I guess I figured that I needed to keep it at the ready all the time by carrying it everywhere I went."

"Yeah, I really don't know why the administrators at Echo Creek let you walk around with that. Especially after you trolled up Skullnick."

"It's called a bribe, Dad paid them off. I also think the principal was scared of me. The day I got my muberty wings, I have a faint memory of throwing him through a wall when he tried to stand between me and the swim team."

"Oh yeah, I remember asking a couple of those guys about that. They would not talk about what happened that day. Most of the boys in Echo Creek were messed up by what you did... Except Oscar, he really really liked that little flight you took him on, even though it destroyed the wheels and axles of his car. You really went all out on the swim team. I ran into one of them three years ago, managed to get him to talk... What he told me was seriously fucked up."

Star had never felt all that guilty about her muberty rampage. Such things were just a part of being Mewman, although usually those going through it were locked up before hand. It wasn't Star's fault that her parents had sent her to a place where they knew nothing of such things. She wasn't in control of her body at the time. She replied airily.

"That's muberty, much shorter than puberty but waaay more intense. All that change has to happen sometime Starfan."

Pauline nodded in reluctant assent as she slid on her glasses and observed. "So, hiking, I don't think we ever went hiking together?"

"We did not, but I think I have spent enough of the past decade walking through the multiverse to figure it out.

"Ha, alright just let me grab our packs and away we go."

As they got in the car, Star calmed herself as much as she could and relaxed into the loud, insistent vibrations of the engine.

"It's okay, it's fine. It's no different than riding a dragon, just a little closer to the ground."

Her frequency changed, from one of resistance to resonance. As they drove Star noticed that Pauline was driving more conservatively than during the trip to Sisters. Still, it wasn't quite enough, she needed one more thing to smooth out the vibes. She rested her hand on Pauline's thigh. That contact allowed her worries to dissolve, it gave her just enough control. She knew that all she had to do to get Pauline to slow down was to grip tightly. Dig her fingernails into her leg and she would stop. But she didn't want to stop, she didn't want to interrupt anything.

Star began to see the skill in Pauline's driving. Smooth turns, maintaining space between cars, gradual acceleration, gently tapping the brake. She even began to see why Pauline liked this murderously overpowered contraption, it really was like riding a mechanical dragon.

As they left the city Pauline hit the gas. She also hit the play button on the cars stereo system. Another layer of vibrations, Nessun Dorma, sung by Pavarotti.

At first Star was amused by the absurdity, the pretension of the music. How apropos that Pauline had such a snobbish taste in music to go with every other bit of weirdness that made up her personality. Then she started listening to the lyrics.

"Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!  
Tu pure, o Principessa,  
nella tua fredda stanza,  
guardi le stelle  
che tremano d'amore, e di speranza!"

Star had picked up an encyclopedic knowledge of language during her adventures through the multiverse. She figured out what the song was about.

"None shall sleep! None shall sleep! Not even you, oh Princess, in your cold bedroom, watching the stars that tremble with love and with hope!"

She realized that the music was perfect for the moment. She couldn't help but think.

" _You bitch, you lined up everything perfectly."_

"Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me;  
il nome mio nessun saprà!  
No, No! Sulla tua bocca  
lo dirò quando la luce splenderà!"

"But my secret is hidden within me; no one will know my name! No, no! On your mouth I will say it when the light shines!"

Transitioning from resonance to ecstasy. Star kept her hand on Pauline's thigh as she turned her head away and started to cry. Her heart was flowering open for the first time in an awfully long time. She was having trouble with it.

_"This isn't fair, this is too much all at once! It's too soon! Stop making me feel like this! I walled off my emotions for a reason!"_

"Ed il mio bacio scioglieràil silenzio che ti fa mia!"

"And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!"'

_"Oh, why bother with walls?"_

"Dilegua, o notte! Tramontate, stelle! Tramontate, stelle! All'alba vincerò! Vincerò! Vincerò!"

Pauline just focused on the road; unaware that she was overwhelming Star's layered defenses. Up until they reached the trailhead. As she turned off the ignition she asked.

"Star, have you been crying?"

"Tears of joy, just tears of joy."

"Huh, that's a pretty dramatic reversal of what happened the last time you rode in my car."

"It's not the car, it's everything. I haven't had a day this nice in a very long time."

Pauline wanted to hug her, remind her yet again that the past decade was in the past. Then she realized that this wasn't the right time or place for such an act. Reminding herself that no one liked desperate, clingy, overly affectionate StarFan13. While everyone liked aloof, calm, strong Pauline Long. She playfully punched Star in both shoulders and announced.

"Well, toughen up princess, the day only gets nicer from here."

The hike was relatively easy. Pauline had a fairly typical body type for a field geologist, able to walk a long way with little effort. Star could bench press a boulder, five miles wandering through the wilderness east of Bend should have been no great challenge to either of them. However after about four miles of walking Star was getting tired. Pauline's muscles were mostly of the slow twitch type. Optimized for endurance, while almost all of Star's muscles were fast twitch. Stronger, excellent for short sprints and punching monsters, but not suited for long walks across rolling terrain.

Star sat down on a fallen log, asking. "Now why are we going through all this instead of using my scissors or flying?"

"Because it's fun, we get to see more things this way. It's the journey, you know?"

Star couldn't help but think.

" _Mother of pearl, Marco said that to me once didn't he?"_

Pauline sat down next to her and stated.

"Now come on you lazy bag of bones! We aren't more than a mile from the end, let's go! I'll carry you if I have to."

Star shook her head and chuckled, there was no way that she was going to give Pauline the satisfaction of carrying her a mile through the woods. After taking a swig of water she was back on her feet.

They reached their destination, a beautiful alpine lake. Perfectly clear waters surrounded by boulders with several boulders extending into the depths of the lake and a lovely little sandy beach. Pauline slid off her pack and her glasses, winked at Star and ran towards the water. Stripping off her clothes as she went. Flinging off her panties right before she jumped onto the boulders. Running across their rocky spine out into the lake before she dove deep into the water.

She giggled at the thought of screwing with Star as she plummeted into the depths of the lake. Orienting herself back towards the light, enjoying the cooling of the water, washing away hours of sweat and grime as she drifted back to the surface. As her head broke the water she was treated to the unexpected sight of a naked Star Butterfly flying through the air towards her.

Star cannonballed into the water, a few moments later she exploded out of the drink a foot away from Pauline. Her long hair going every which way, spraying water everywhere. Star was beaming as she kindly said.

"Hi."

Her voice was so relaxed that she almost sounded like a different person. More like she did all those years ago in school. Pauline found the whole scene utterly irresistible. She put her arms around Star's shoulders and shot her a seductive glance.

Star pulled away, asking, "what if someone sees us?"

"Uh, we took off all our clothes. If someone saw us it would be to late to deny anything."

Star backed up further and started making various awkward hand gestures.

"Mmmm, nudity is one thing, its just that I'm a little wary on the whole... Public displays of affection with a girl, thing."

Pauline floated there baffled, she asked.

"You are okay with people seeing you naked... Just not naked with a girl? That's not very logical."

"Now now, who ever said I was logical, hmmm?"

Star swam just outside of Pauline's reach. Continuing her explanation.

"Listen, I like you, I really really like you. But can you just give me a little more time to get used to the idea of 'dating a girl' please?"

In as sarcastic a tone as she could summon Pauline replied.

"Like me? I could have sworn you said you looooved me? Also I don't know if I should give you anymore time. You already have your clothes off and we are five miles from the nearest person."

Pauline launched herself towards Star. Grabbing her from behind and speaking in a gruff voice.

"It's not like anyone can hear you scream."

Pauline let go, "wow, that sounded way more rapey than I wanted it to."

Star turned around, with a look of disbelief she observed. "Yeah, no shit! Don't push it any further for now. I might have to beat you up."

Pauline drifted towards the sandy shore, floating on her back. Gently kicking the water, replying. "I don't know Star, we're about the same size, I have picked up a few moves here and there. I think I can take you."

Before she could make it to the shore Star blew past her, exploding out of the water, into a boxing stance. "You want to try, I'll let you have the first crack." Tapping her cheek and closing her eyes, she signaled. "Come on, hard as you can."

Pauline thrust herself out of the water, planting a delicate kiss on the offered cheek.

Her eyes still closed, speaking in a half whisper Star shook her head and said.

"That's, that's way too hard."

Pauline stepped behind her, kissing way down the back of her neck, murmuring.

"Too late to back out now. You were the one who wanted a fight. You just weren't expecting me to be quite so... disarming, were you?"

Star was utterly overwhelmed. She just stood there for a solid thirty seconds, eyes closed with a goofy look on her face as Pauline kissed her way around her. As if the setting was just perfect and her lover was playing her like an old fiddle. She slowly opened her eyes and drank in Pauline's tanned, taut, elegant, dripping wet proportions. "By the Obsidian Temple, she grew up nicely." Star knew that she couldn't hold back any longer. Although she remembered one little thing that she had to do first.

Star walked back to her discarded backpack and took out the thermal vision monocular she had gotten from the French government. She scanned the woods for any heat signatures that would betray extra sets of prying eyes. Finding none she put the monocular away and strode back to her slightly confused friend, still waiting in about two feet of water. Star put her hands around Pauline's head and hips, dipping her into a dramatic pose. Hovering just an inch above her face, Star whispered.

"Now you are mine."

Pauline looked up at her in a state of absolute wonderment and replied.

"I am yours."

Pauline had fantasized about being with Star oh so many times over the years. She had not often imagined that their first time would be in the heat and furious passions after a battle. This was much closer to what she usually imagined. Out in nature, both of them completely present, both of them utterly lost in the others eyes.

Though she may have grown out of her obsession with Star a long time ago there was no getting around that fact that she still loved Star Butterfly. Back in school Star had been a person who had inspired respect in all but the most hard and jealous of hearts. Despite their time apart Pauline still considered Star her best friend, regardless of whatever had happened during those years.

They kissed, Star ravaged her mouth like a pirate. " _Technique could use a little work, but I can't fault her for lack of enthusiasm."_ Pauline thought. " _She has been spending more time with the manliest of men doing the manliest of things than I have, picked up their mannerisms, he! Makes love like a soldier back from a war. Someone is going to have to teach this girl how to be a lady."_

They stood back up, Star went to town on her cold nipples and Pauline's thoughts began to fall apart. Star led her the rest of the way out of the water, back to the sandy beach. Once they were on dry ground Star tripped Pauline, catching her as she fell, lowering her gently to the sand. Star ran her hands up and down Pauline's body. Rough hands, hands used to punch, slap, tear, destroy; touching something unfamiliar. Embracing smooth skin and feminine curves with ever increasing delicacy. Becoming more aware with every motion that she was driving just a little too hard for her lovers enjoyment.

Star knelt in front of her and grabbed Pauline's legs, dragging them into the air. Wearing her thighs like earmuffs. She wanted to hear her heartbeat increase as she began to work on Pauline's nethers. Pauline was inverted, bent into a bow shape with her hands on the ground. Her body cooperating entirely with Star's motions.

"Now you are mine." Star thought as she overwhelmed Pauline with pleasure. Her tongue and the occasional finger working to stimulate her lover. Pauline's moans grew more frantic with each lick, each finger movement, each breath. Lack of experience was trumped by a genuine curiosity and a seriously pent up sex drive. The only thought that Star had other than increasing Pauline's pleasure was.

" _This is way more fun than it should be. Damn, I really should have taken her with me."_

Pauline climaxed, at a level that left her unable see straight.

" _Oh god, this is better than I ever imagined!"_ Was the first thought that wandered through Pauline's head as she came back to reality. Star was panting in exhaustion. She had been holding her in an awkward position, driving every ounce of raw energy that she could summon into her lover for quite awhile. Pauline lowered herself to the ground and observed.

"Trying to use moves from porn on me huh? I wouldn't make a habit of that. They might look cool on camera but someday you might try something, slip and hurt yourself."

Star smiled at her and said.

"Nerd."

"Guilty as charged."

Star jumped on top of her, pressing her to the ground, kissing her forcefully. Breathlessly addressing her.

"You want to dominate me nerd girl? You want to be in charge? You want to say rapey little things in my ear?"

Star started delicately nibbling on her right earlobe, whispering between bites.

"You haven't won yet."

"Star, look at yourself, you are naked on top of me. I think I have won."

Star pulled back, looked at the whole scene and realized the truth of what her lover was saying. She playfully slapped Pauline's face at the realization.

"You win!" She announced cheerfully.

Pauline grabbed Star's shoulders and forced her to the ground, replying.

"No, we win."

Pauline drove her into a submissive posture. Star did not resist the positioning, once she was properly arranged Pauline reached inside her, oh so delicately. Starting slowly, gradually spinning things up. Star surrendered to the moment, allowing her body to undulate with the gentle force her lover applied.

Star crested, exhaling and shuddering in ecstasy as warmth dispersed through her body. Soon to be replaced by the chill of the water that was still all over her. Pauline loomed over her for a moment, then laid down by her. Kissing Star on the cheek and announcing quietly.

"I swear I will make you be honest with yourself Star. If it's the last thing I do."

Star rolled towards her, facing her she kissed her on the nose, saying.

"I know, just give me some time, we will get there. Just be patient with me. It's not like I'm some kind of sorcerer."

They both laughed at that.

The rinsed the sand off, put their clothes back on, set up a tent and waited until sundown. Once the stars came out Pauline whipped out something unexpected from her pack.

"Night vision goggles, they work on a different concept than that thermal scope you take everywhere. Borrowed these from that friend I mentioned who went sleepwalking with a 44 magnum. Have you ever looked at the stars, with a starlight scope, Star?"

Star shook her head in the negative and chuckled at the alliteration. She accepted the goggles and looked up at the sky.

She had looked up at so many skies, on so many planets. She knew that off in that distance those twinkling lights illuminated worlds beyond measure. Across infinite space, infinite time and infinite dimensions. The NVG's turned this from a concept to visual reality. So much detail, so many hidden things in the vastness of space made visible. It was like seeing infinity in all its grandeur.

Star had issues with infinity. The grandest of mathematical concepts and she sucked at math. After a few minutes she had to take them off, it was overwhelming. She handed them back to Pauline.

"Looking at the sky with those, I, I can't handle it. It's just too much all at once. But thank you."

Star hugged her, then relaxed back onto the ground to enjoy the "normal" view of the stars in their area of the Milky Way, whispering. "Thank you so much for everything. Today was just perfect."

 

Vanish, o night! Fade, you stars! Fade, you stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!


	9. This is going to get really weird.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little taste of the depths of Star Butterfly's rage, and a new player enters the game.

Yesterday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.  
Hunter S. Thompson

 

 

Following their hike they settled into something resembling a routine. Pauline worked odd hours, all over the map; so she never knew when she would be around. Star took care of the house. Star had spent most of her life surrounded by people, being alone was an odd experience for her. Being alone allowed her the peace to hear her own thoughts. As she reflected in silence she quickly found out that her thoughts were more disturbing than she had believed. So many screams, so many painful echoes.

She tried to drown out the memories with music at first. Playing the tunes Pauline had on her spare laptop. It did not take long for Star to conclude that the two of them had very different tastes in music. Much of what Pauline had was either classical or really weird sounding electronic music.

That was one of the few things that she missed from the campaign, the music. The men of the Mewnian Army sang constantly when not in battle. They sang before eating, they sang while marching. No two songs the same. In their singing they were often led by that twat Ruberiot, who had matured into a much more trustworthy person after Eclipsa turned everything topsy turvy. Star was in pain recalling that camaraderie, that trust. 

All gone now.

Star considered the old standby treatment for people dealing with serious issues, alcohol. She wandered through a local liquor store, picking up a bottle of brandy and a bottle of champagne. Her time in France had left her with a taste for both. The cashier, having never met Star before, asked for an ID in addition to her money. Fishing through her things she found a photo ID card that had been issued to her by the French Government. The cashier did not accept the foreign, diplomatic identity card. Despite her thousand yard stare and the fact that she was of legal age the rest of her body looked like it could be under 21 years old. Her height and the hardening of her body from ten years of relentless combat was countered by the hearts on her cheeks making her look younger than she really was. At least as far as the clerk saw. No sale.

Star didn't press the issue, she didn't know how Pauline would react to having booze in the house anyway. She really didn't seem to like alcohol at all and behaved strangely when it was around. Still, Star left the store in a huff as she walked back home, grumbling.

"Old enough to fight, not old enough to drink. What's wrong with these people? Where else in the multiverse have I seen this kind of hypocrisy and nonsense?"

Bend, Oregon was quite different from Echo Creek, California. As Star walked, or sometimes jogged around town she got a few odd glances. In Echo Creek she felt like she blended in as well as anywhere. Here she felt downright paranoid. Pauline had repeatedly warned her that people here probably wouldn't react to magic like they had in California. Worse yet she informed her that the people here were very heavily armed with concealed and sometimes openly carried handguns, knives and other weapons. If she pulled a stunt like the pirate restaurant incident then there was the distinct possibility that she would be shot. Probably by a variety of people judging by the number of people carrying handguns that Star saw as she went about her day.

Despite her words to Pauline before their hike Star hated guns, weapons in general; well, weapons in anyone hands but her own to be completely honest. When she was a kid she had been a huge weapons enthusiast. Gladly using and sharing her armaments at all opportunities. But all those swords, axes and other instruments of destruction she had accumulated when she was fourteen had been pared down to a mace, a few knives and of course, the wand.

In the course of her campaign through the multiverse she had so many weapons pointed at her that she had stopped counting after the twentieth time. Unarmed monsters were bad enough. Most of the creatures Eclipsa had set free were either armed to the teeth or acquired weapons shortly after escaping. Did this make her a hypocrite? Yes. Did she feel bad about it? Not particularly. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you, at least that's how she saw it. Being threatened sucks, getting shot sucks way more. When Pauline drew down on her the only reason why Star's first reaction was talking, not cutting the gun in half with the wand. Was because she had calculated that she just wouldn't have had time to do anything if Pauline had pulled the trigger at that range.

Weapons give the user power. Power to command the unarmed and those with inferior weapons. This is a weapons primary purpose. Star had the ultimate weapon, no one was in a position to command her, but oh how they tried. Not long after she started killing her enemies she grew tired of fighting. So many beings had challenged her to battle, thinking they had a chance of subduing her. Over and over again they attacked and over and over again they failed. Their weapons, their fighting skill or their magical ability giving them the delusion that they could subdue the most magically powerful being in the multiverse. Star had grown to hate what had once been one of her favorite pastimes. She had grown so exasperated with fighting that she had even stopped sparring with Mewnian knights.

She missed sparring, Pauline had a little gym in her garage which was equipped with a variety of boxing equipment. She wanted to spar with Pauline. Star wanted to see how Pauline fought without a gun in her hand. But she did not bring it up with  her for fear that she would lose control. She couldn't afford to lose Pauline, even though they had only been back together for less than a week Star couldn't bear to imagine a life without her now.

Triggers, Star felt triggers everywhere. Connected to a thousand different weapons pointed right at her. They wanted revenge for everything she had done, everything she had destroyed. All she wanted to do was smash everything that threatened her first. But they haven't done anything yet. So she waited, waited for them to make the first move. They had to make the first move.

The sight of a police officers gun, a chefs blade, a child's baseball bat began to make Star paranoid to the point where she stopped going out without a serious reason. Thousands of scenarios played through her head every time she saw something that anyone could use as a weapon. All this simulated combat left her mind with little time to consider much else.

Comparing her two residencies on Earth, Echo Creek was almost nirvana and Bend felt like a prison. Though she was free to leave anytime, she had nowhere else to go. She felt sentenced to silent contemplation. A profoundly uncomfortable experience after being dropped from a multiverse of chaos and noise.

Pauline had several books around the house dealing with psychological issues. Star read them all but nothing in them seemed to work all that well to calm the anxiety, paranoia and the increasingly vicious and loud voices in her head. From what she read this was not going to be like a healing spell. It would require years of work and a dedicated change of personality. She slammed book after book shut upon learning that there were no easy answers at hand.

Star tried to work out her frustrations in Pauline's improvised gym. Lifting weights helped, riding a stationary bicycle was a much more pleasant experience for her than riding a normal bike had been. Then she started working on Pauline's boxing bag.

Star took the time to tape up her hands, she had rarely had the opportunity to prepare for combat like this. She put on a pair of boxing gloves and started working the bag. She reminisced about all those monsters that she and Marco had fought. " _Ah, the good old days when the monsters would run away after we beat them into the ground._ " She thought. " _Buffrog, such a good enemy, and an even better friend."_

As she remembered the first good monster she had ever met she opined to herself.

" _Taken, so many things taken. Who would have thought a fourteen year old would have so much to take?"_

She punched again, harder this time. She wasn't thinking of Buffrog, she was thinking of Roderick. A Mewnian knight who had turned traitor, he had been working for Eclipsa. Star's blows began to hit so hard that the big bag was starting to move like a small bag. Flailing wildly on the end of its chain. Star danced around the bag as she poured ever more power into her punches.

 _"Eclipsa, Eclipsa, you goddamned bitch_!"

The punch she launched moments after her great great great grandmother entered her mind connected with so much force that the chain holding the bag gave way. Sending it flying across the empty garage, bouncing off a wall. Star leapt across the room and continued wailing on the bag. Ripping off her gloves as she continued her attack on the bag. Raining blows upon it, any one of which would have probably killed any normal human, all the while she screamed.

"Why, why did you ruin everything!? Why did you make me kill you!? Why did you take Mom away from me? Why did you make me hate? All I wanted to do was love! I even loved you, you... You and fucking Toffee, you ruined everything! I should have stayed on Earth, I could have gone to college. I could have learned what I needed to know to become that greatest ruler Mewni ever had! I could have found out who I really am years ago. I could have had Marco, I could have had StarFan. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, maybe I could have had both of them! But no, you had to make me a machine. You had to take away everything I loved!"

She shrieked as loudly as she could as her fists began to contact concrete.

"Why did you make me kill you!!!"

There was no answer here; the bag was completely destroyed. She had punched so hard that her wrappings were in tatters. She got off the bag and removed what remained of the bloody tape on her hands. She hoped that the neighbors didn't hear her screams and looked down at her hands, thinking in a detached tone.

" _Have to hit that with a healing spell. Too bad I can't just use one of those on my own mind. No easy answers to this kind of rage, is there?"_

Star discarded the tape and left the garage, trying to calm herself down as she went to the kitchen sink to wash the blood off her knuckles. 

Not to say that "easy answers" didn't exist, from her research Star learned that most psychiatric medicine in the United States revolved around the use of drugs as opposed to self analysis. However, said drugs all had serious side effects. While reading about some of these side effects she pondered what would happen if she attempted to do magic while on these drugs. She concluded the results would probably make her worst magical screw ups look like spilled milk.

While Star was deep into such research Pauline came home. As she entered the room she discarding her hat, vest and sidearm as she always did when she came home. She wrapped her arms around Star, kissed her on the cheek and asked.

"So... What happened to my punching bag?"

"I had to blow off a little steam."

"A little steam? I didn't even think it was possible to punch a bag that hard. It's going to take awhile to clean up all that, the filling is bad enough. You, you left a disconcerning amount of blood in there Star."

"Sorry, I'll take care of it."

"Is that what you are doing? Looking up ways to clean blood off of concrete?"

"No, I'm looking into psychiatric drugs. You Americans take way too many drugs. How can you people take all these pills when they have such horrible side effects? The legal drugs have worse side effects than the illegal ones, well, except heron and meth, maybe."

"What, you didn't have drugs in Mewni?"

"Nothing like the volume and varieties you have, the amount you people consume is insane! I can understand it if someone is a diabetic or has some other disease but you people take huge amounts of drugs even if there is nothing wrong with you."

"Well then you aren't going to like what I brought home."

Pauline took a glass vial out of one of her pants pockets with a white powder in it and put it on the table in front of them. Naturally Star asked.

"Uh, what's that?"

"This is 5 methoxy dimethyl tryptamine. The stuff that acts like a chemical substitute for dipping down. I called the guy who sold me this stuff in college, seems one of his main suppliers is his dirtbag cousin who lives not far from here. Said dirtbag is still in business and business is booming. It took him awhile to get this to me. He tells me that there is a huge demand for this molecule nowadays."

Star took the vial, examining it closely. "And you want me to smoke this stuff?"

"Smoke it or snort it, although I have read that snorting it is unpleasant."

Star put it back on the table.

"And this might explain what happens when I dip down?"

"It might, I can't make any promises though. All I can say is that it will get really weird. Earth is brimming with hallucinogens and this... is widely considered to be the most potent of all of them."

Star bent down to stare at the vial, with her hands on her head, looking visibly scared. She exhaled pensively and stated, "I don't know, this seems like trouble."

"Don't worry, I will be with you all the way. I will put the wand in the safe. There is nothing to be scared of here. I won't force this on you but, well, I really don't want to come home to another murdered boxing bag. You have an awful lot of anger in you Star. It will keep coming out one way or another. This should get it all out at once."

Staring at the vial one last time Star relented.

"Oh alright, if its from Earth how dangerous can it be? Its not like some insanely rare and powerful thing that you have to go on a ridiculous quest to get like a Goblin Dog. How weird can this possibly get?"

As she went to get a couple of things out of the garage Pauline wondered for a moment what the hell a Goblin Dog was, and had a chuckling thought to herself.

" _How weird can this get? Pretty fucking weird, hopefully not Muberty weird though. I don't think either of us can afford any kidnapping and rape charges."_

Past experience reminded Pauline that this was not something that she wanted to do indoors. She set up a tarp and a small rug in her backyard and checked that her neighbors weren't around. There would probably be screaming, howling, growling and unexpected discharges. This was not an event she wanted to share with anyone except Star. 5meo Was not a drug to be shared with groups of people. This was not something done with a bunch of friends on a rainy Saturday afternoon while chilling to some Zeppelin. Pauline's first time doing 5meo had been the most mentally exhausting experience in her life.

Pauline sat Star on a pillow and prepared a pipe. Beneath the crystallized 5meo she set a base of marijuana and lit a match, saying one final warning. "Now remember this stuff is really really powerful! It will rip things out of your mind that you had forgotten were there. You must maintain body symmetry as much as possible. The idea here is to relax into the experience. You also must maintain your critical thinking abilities. You might be shown some weird things, but you have to acknowledge that anything you see is just you. If you hallucinate any monsters, bizarre phenomena or anything else out of the ordinary just remember that anything you see is just a manifestation of your subconscious mind. Do not attempt to fight what you see and do everything you can to enter a so called non-dual state of consciousness. At least that's what I have read. I don't really understand what that means, so I suppose we will find out together."

Taking one last look around she asked.

"Do I have your permission to proceed?"

Star nodded nervously, Pauline applied the match.

She had expected that Star would take one small toke, then immediately fall backwards. Thats how it had been with her, that's how it was for most first timers. That was not what happened here. Once Star's lips hit the pipe she started drawing in smoke, lots of it. She closed her eyes, waited for a moment, smiling, not letting any of the vapor out. Then she took the pipe in her own hands and drew in yet more smoke. Once all of the 5meo in the pipe was burned away she opened her eyes and stared at Pauline. In a disturbingly deep voice she asked.

" **More**."

Pauline was spooked, the hearts on Stars cheeks were changing into a variety of different images in rapid succession. Her pupils went from being round to diamond shaped. Not knowing what was going on she reluctantly complied; handing Star the vial. Star dropped most of it into the pipe and lit it. Once it combusted she sucked in every bit of smoke. Taking in three massive hits in rapid succession. She drank in the vapor like someone dying of thirst who had found themselves under a waterfall.

Once the last of the 5meo was gone she handed the pipe and lighter back to Pauline. She extended her arms all the way out, moving her hands gracefully, not exhaling a single wisp of smoke. In the deep voice Star announced.

" **Well, I suppose this will have to do."**

Star fell backwards onto the tarp, arms and hands wide open, eyes closed, body in perfect symmetry. Pauline looked at her chest, she appeared to no longer be breathing.

"Oh crap I killed her!" She whispered. She reached for her cell phone, dialed 9, then hesitated. " _Can you overdose on this?"_ She wondered, she didn't know. " _Is there a doctor anywhere on this planet that can help a Mewman?_ " She didn't know. " _What would be the punishment for having someone OD on this stuff in your backyard even though they weren't technically human and not even from this planet?_ " Complicated and bad was all she could figure.

Before she could even begin to figure a way out of this Stars body began to glow with a golden light. The light started to project from her body, taking on the form of rings of golden energy. A heart insignia emerged on her chest and four extra arms shot out of her body as she started rolling up on her back.

She rolled on her back a couple of times, building up inertia. Reaching a point where she was balancing her entire body on her shoulders while manipulating the rings of energy around her body with her arms and legs. Pauline backed away in terror, of all the things that she had seen Star do, this was by a generous margin the most out of character. The motions seemed strange, alien, way too precise to be anything resembling Star's usual body language.

Star began levitating off the ground, still inverted she brought her face up to Pauline's. In the deep voice she spoke.

" **Thank you my love."**

Pauline asked.

"Star, what is happening!?"

" **I am no longer Star. That is merely a creation of the ego**."

"Then what are you?"

" **I am! I am you, I am everyone and everything that is and ever will be. I am the consciousness of the universe**."

Becoming profoundly aware that Star would never say such a thing Pauline stated in a panic.

"What, no, this is insane! Star may have godlike powers but she never claimed to be a god!"

" **Not a god, the God**."

Okay whatever the fuck your are tell me what you are doing in Star's body or I'm going to get a baseball bat and pummel you until you leave!"

Star's body span around, lowering herself onto the ground. Arms still moving, every move perfectly symmetrical, body still glowing.

" **The ego of Star Butterfly is dormant for a little while. She will be back soon enough. When she comes back you will have to explain things to her. Her biology is subtly but importantly different than yours. When humans take 5meo it sometimes allows you to see things as they truly are. Mewmans, at least those who use magic have so much extra energy in their bodies that it makes integration, in some ways easier, in other ways more challenging. That's the nature of the process, so many ways, so many perspectives. So many variations of The One! You have to learn the process yourself and help Star's conscious mind through this."**

"Nothing about any of this makes even a little sense."

" **It will, in time, you just have to not take everything so personally and find your center."**

Pauline stood up. Taking in the unbelievable image in front of her. She had seen Star do some absolutely incredible things but never anything like this. The fear started to melt away, this light that was emanating from her did not seem to be malicious. She looked down, focusing on her own body for a moment. There was something stirring inside her. Along the centerline of her body, some kind of energy, lots of it. Tinged with an absolutely insane amount of lust. It felt like a saw blade of energy was erupting from inside her very core. The consciousness within Star asked.

" **Yes, you can feel it can't you? Now, wouldn't you like to let yourself be me?"**

Pauline quietly but firmly replied.

"Yes, I do."

Four of Star's arms embraced her, gently massaging her shoulders, then embracing her face. Drawing her in, seemingly for a kiss. The bands of energy around Star started to transfer over to Pauline, then something well and truly unexpected happened.

Star began exhaling 5meo vapor. Pauline breathed it in. As the first few traces danced around her face she grasped Star. Pulling her into a ferocious kiss as she sucked vapor from her lungs and energy from her body. She drew in closer and closer. With only one thought.

" _I must drain her dry!"_

Too much energy, too much 5meo. More than any human was ever supposed to take at one time. She dropped like she had been hit with a hammer on the back of the head.

As she fell away Pauline heard the voice again.

" **It is you, it has always been you, you are the center of the process!"**

Faintly realizing that it wasn't Star talking anymore, it was her.

" **Do not look outside, it is within YOU!"**

Pauline could not hope to describe what she saw. It was herself, the universe itself was holding a mirror up to her. The body of the being called Star, levitating over her appeared to explode into an infinite fractal design of pure light. Pauline surrendered to the moment. She was no longer Pauline, she was no longer Star. Their respective consciousnesses were both infinite.

They stayed in the non-dual state for awhile. They couldn't hope to measure time in that state. To them everything was just that moment. After awhile their egos began to return. Pauline sat up, there were still fractal patterns here and there in her vision. Pauline brought her hands up to her face, confirming that she was still herself.

"Okay, no parasites, no aliens, no demons." She looked at a nearby small rock and tried to levitate it with her mind.

"No magical powers either, oh well, oh no, Star!"

Pauline tried to stagger up, her legs were not cooperating. She fell backwards, her limbs were making popping noises. Every time they popped Pauline felt a burst of energy, like knots in her muscles being undone. She rolled over and crawled towards her friend. Star was unconscious, though she was breathing and her heart still beat. The extra arms and full length wings were gone.

Pauline rolled over, back into a symmetrical position. Her arms began to compulsively replicate the movements that Star had done. It didn't feel like she was the one in charge here. It felt that she was just going along with the flow of something much bigger than she was. Without the extra arms she felt that she wasn't managing the energy as well as her friend.

"Energy, God, matter, magic, infinity. It's all one. Aargh wow! you have really stepped in it this time!" She announced between laughs.

Star sat up and gasped. After she stopped gulping in air she observed.

"I, I uh, I remember everything. I barely remembered anything from when I dip down."

Pauline asked quietly.

"What did you see?"

"Everything, I saw everything, I saw everything that ever was and everything that ever will be. Oh God, God, it's all God isn't it?"

"That's what you said."

"All the bad, all the good, it's all just been a game hasn't it?"

"Perhaps."

Star dragged herself up, as soon as she did she felt nauseous.

"Uh oh, I, I have to let something out."

She retched, but no vomit came. What came was magical energy, a lot of it. It exploded out of her hands, chest and eyes, into the sky. It traveled in every direction, like fractal fireworks. Star howled insanely as enough magical energy to flatten a small city exploded out of her body.

Eventually it started to taper off. Reducing from an unimaginable torrent, to a stream, then to a few sparks, as it ebbed she observed.

"Huh, it feels like there is still some in me."

Pauline rolled on top of Star and started moving her arms in symmetrical motions. Star felt the energy coming on again. Pauline was physically dragging the energy out of her body. Star growled in approval and tried to replicate Pauline's arm motions. Helping her friend as much as she could.

A bubble of energy began to form above Star's chest, slightly resembling the bending of plasma above the surface of the sun before a solar flare. Pauline grasped it and broke it free with her bare hands. The energy exploded, out of Star, into Pauline. Crashing into her with all the subtlety of a tidal wave. Star felt profoundly weak, like something that had driven her for years had been taken away from her. Not a good thing though, something that she was better off without.

Pauline's eyes went wide as she stopped all motion and whimpered.

"Nope, we aren't there just yet."

"Pauline, are you okay?"

Pauline collapsed off of her, into asymmetry as she shrieked. "Ah Jesus Christ! Pain, it's nothing but pain! It's like being stabbed by a thousand razor sharp burning knives!"

Pauline rolled, trying to get back into a symmetrical position, before she could get there she threw up. She fought the convulsions, desperately trying to reach symmetry. She knew that if she didn't get back into a state of balance bad things were going to happen, Star asked.

"What happened? What did you do?"

Between curses, sharp breaths and wails of agony Pauline stammered out.

"I wanted your power, but I think what I got was your pain. All the pain you didn't feel fighting those monsters. That will teach me to try to take things that aren't mine."

"Oh damn, sorry, um, I'll try to take it back."

Pauline grabbed her. " **No, let it go, let it out, let it be!"**

"Whoa, whats with the voice?"

" **How soon you forget, just relax...** and let it be, my love."

Star relaxed back into symmetry as Pauline dealt with the consequences of her harvesting of Star's power. Occasionally growling, howling, snarling and crying as she tried to ride the waveform of the huge energy burst she had torn out of Star. Being in symmetry allowed the pain to disperse evenly through her body instead of being concentrated in any one spot. Nothing about any of this made any sense to Pauline at all. But she felt that she was learning.

After awhile the effects of the 5meo wore off. They could move in asymmetric motions again. Star staggered onto her feet and wandered towards the bedroom. Pauline asked, "where are you going?"

"Gotta check my wand, a lot of bad stuff happened because I didn't do any maintenance on it the last time something like this happened. What's the combination to your safe?"

"You can't open it. The lock is keyed to my fingerprint. I'll unlock it for you."

They stumbled towards the bedroom. Their vision still clouded with fractal patterns and bodies still erupting with uncorked energies. Moving in a bizarre gait as their bodies tried to adapt to this sudden, radical energetic shift. Pauline managed to get her hands to stop gyrating just long enough to unlock the safe. Then Star unlocked the wand.

Everything seemed fine at first, the unicorn was still running on its treadmill. But something was a little off.

"Pauline?"

"Yes."

"Does the unicorn look a bit... Transparent to you?"

"Why yes it does Star, is it supposed to look like that?"

"No, it's not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weird enough for ya? Well it only gets weirder from here.


	10. Star Four One.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We know a little about how the character of StarFan13 grew into the character that is Pauline Long. But how about we spend a little time getting to know how StarFan13 came to be? Come on, walk with me, talk with me. Let's dip deep into the watery hobo gravy of the mind and uncover the chewy chunks of one of our protagonist's sense of self. 
> 
> And some rather unrefined smut awaits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After finding myself realizing that I was making way too many Black Hawk Down references in this story I decided to rewatch the movie. Putting myself in the dualistic mindsets of Star Butterfly and StarFan13. Most of this chapter was the result of that. Enjoy.

Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.  
Wayne Dyer

 

"You don't understand. the unicorn is what makes the whole thing work! If it goes away this wand is just, nothing, a trinket."

"Soooo, you are telling me that a miniature horse is what makes this thing work?"

"A magical unicorn, not a horse. It's, it's hard to explain in mechanical terms but the star on the front focuses the energies that are generated inside the wand. The health of those energies is reflected by the unicorn. If it goes away, and it has before, the whole thing becomes unstable and explodes!"

"If it has gone away before then why is it here now?"

"I don't know what happened the first time, it was weird. Another unicorn just showed up after the first one... Died. The second time I don't remember what happened at all, I, wait."

Star put the wand back in the safe, sat down and looked at her hands.

"I remember now, it was the last time I saw Glossarick. He was making a cauldron of soup and I. I dipped down!"

Star exploded onto her feet.

"That miserable, game playing, freak! He was dicking me around! I thought I was dead then I, I saw, I saw a lump of pure magic and I decided to show him. I took the magic and I remade everything around me. I created a new unicorn even though I had no idea how to make one. I knew that I was going to need one because I couldn't stay in a non-dual state for very long. I burned out the evil that infected the wand, Toffee's evil. I took his power and used it against him."

"I ended it. God, I see it now, I see what I did. I blasted Toffee with enough power to kill a city. I had to stop him."

Pauline hugged her.

"Oh don't worry, I feel worse about killing those soldiers in the Congo than killing that piece of shit. He killed my grandmother, almost killed me a couple of times. Almost killed Marco, made my mother do something unspeakable. If anyone deserved to die screaming he did."

Star picked the wand back up, looking at it she stated.

"It's an illusion, the whole thing. It's an illusion created so long ago to, to help us see what we really are. It's a tool, it's been a damn useful tool but... My ancestors, I think we have been using this the wrong way. We only used it as a hammer, so everything became a nail."

"What do you mean?"

Star took a deep breath and held out her hands. The wand started levitating in the air. Flecks of energy shot from the double star, traveling around like satellites in orbit for a moment. Then falling back inside. Providing a gentle golden light which illuminated the room

"I can use this to create anything. I just need to know what I want. My ancestors built up layers of complication, spells and whatnot to control the power within. The unicorn is a part of this, its a diagnostic device. But it's not the device and it's certainly not the power source."

"Well then what is the power source?"

"The universe itself, the power of this wand is effectively infinite. That is the reason why I was able to deal with all the crap that escaped from the MHC. I was able to see what needed to be done instead of being hemmed in by centuries of tradition, laws and nonsense... For as long as my family has had the wand we have been using it primarily as a weapon and it's really so much more than just that."

"So what does all this mean?"

Seizing the wand out of the air the golden streaks faded from existence. She spun it around like a six gun on her trigger finger and replied.

"It means that I have to stop obsessing over the potential destructiveness of the wand and use it properly."

Pauline sighed in relief at this realization. Then she remembered the name Glossarick. Pauline had met the odd little blue man several times and found him fascinating. She had wondered what had happened to him so inevitable her next question to Star was.

"So, you mentioned Glossarick, what happened to him?"

"You know I don't know, perhaps he decided that since I had done the impossible by burning the toxicity out of the wand that there was nothing more that he had to teach me. Everyone thought he was dead after the book of spells was destroyed but, apparently he wasn't. I don't know where he is, no one has seen him since I killed Toffee."

The conversation was cut short by a knock at the front door. It was the police, there had been reports of fireworks in the area. Pauline told them that she hadn't seen anything and sent them on their way. Once the cops were gone they returned to the bedroom and collapsed into each other's arms. Utterly exhausted, they were unconscious within moments.

 

The next day Pauline woke first.

She usually woke up before Star did. It had gotten to the point that she had adjusted her morning rituals. After taking a good long moment to enjoy the sight of Star sleeping peacefully she would sneak out of bed and use the guest bathroom, so as not to wake Star up. She would get dressed, eat, then go on about her day. If Star hadn't gotten up by the time she was ready to leave she would leave a note saying where she was going after taking one last look at her.

Some days, like today, Pauline seriously considered giving her a goodbye kiss. But she resisted, she really didn't want to disturb her friends sleep. She felt that it was too early in their relationship for that. One day though, and someday after that she intended to wake Star up with surprise sex.

Pauline didn't have any jobs today and she was quite thankful for it. She needed to think, she needed to process what she had been through. The first time she had done 5meo it had been like an exorcism. This time was completely different, this was more like she was letting something in. Something she wasn't able to process yet.

Every couple of days Pauline went for an early morning jog. Her running schedule was irregular to throw off potential attackers. She had heard entirely too many stories about young women mugged, raped and/or murdered while running through some area with enough plant life to cover up a crime to allow the predators an opening. If the same person goes down the same road every day sooner or later something is going to take advantage of their predictability. These thoughts were a little paranoid perhaps. But Pauline didn't own a pistol that she felt she could conceal in her running clothes. Her H&K was a very good gun, but there was no way she could hide that chunky thing in her form fitting running clothes.

Clinging to her body, showing off her curves. The thinnest garment she owned that she could go out in public in. This was an outfit that allowed her unfettered mobility, and near complete vulnerability to attackers. Pauline didn't much care for running, but she felt she had to stay in shape for her job.

As she got going she noted that she was moving faster than usual. She felt energized, even more so than she had been as of late. Pauline had never been a morning person, but she was raring to go today. Star's presence had charged her up like nothing she had ever seen and after their mutual 5meo experience Pauline felt like she could run a hole in the wind.

But she was worried, normally she enjoyed going on runs to quiet her mind. Her mind was not being quiet today. The possibilities, the insanities, the general weirdness of things was starting to get to her. Up until now, with a few notable exceptions her life had been rather predictable. Get up, go to school, eat, random side project or two, go to sleep. Perhaps the occasional vacation to break up the monotony. Rinse, repeat, until go to school was replaced with go to work.

And so it would have continued until the day came that she met someone to spend the rest of her life with. Even when that day came she honestly didn't expect to see anything changing. Pauline had never considered having children of her own. She was petrified at the thought of making the same mistakes that her parents had made with her. The thought of her own son or daughter living as truncated and sad a childhood as hers, perhaps throwing themselves off a bridge... The mere idea of that was so terrifying to her that she never wanted to take even the slightest risk of that happening. She would have never forgiven herself for losing a child.

Pauline Long, twenty four years old, originally from Echo Creek California. The only child of a physics teacher and accountant. Currently working as a geologist in the city of Bend Oregon. Self described gun nut, pleasure seeker, charitable, easygoing, a friend to anyone who was not an asshole. That's what she had identified herself as for a very long time.

She slowed down to a fast walk as she came upon some broken concrete.

But that wasn't all of what she was. She was also StarFan13, stalker, weirdo, bisexual. Author of unpublished (unpublishable?) stories containing absolutely biblical levels of cringe, often of a very awkward and uneducated sexual nature. Oh sure, growing up where and when she had StarFan13 had not encountered any serious attacks, either physical, verbal or legal for her untraditional sexual appetites. Most of her friends didn't even know, it was just something she didn't care to discuss. Over her life she had been attracted to a few different girls, and a few different guys. But she never hungered for anyone as much as she hungered for Star. Star made her feel comfortable with herself like no one else had.

As she threaded her way across the broken sidewalk she thought.

" _Star..."_

Star had always been the most unpredictable factor in her life. When she showed up in Echo Creek and immediately became the coolest kid in school Star wasn't supposed to hang out with her. She was supposed to keep her distance and she would admire her from afar. That's the way it had been with everyone else that Pauline idolized when she was a kid. No one ever had time for her. It may not have been the way she liked it, but it was what she was used to.

But Star hadn't played that game. A real life magical girl from another dimension had became a friend, her only friend at first. Star had led her to other friends and despite the occasional setback, Star had set her life on a completely different course than if she hadn't been there. She would have certainly never have considered becoming a geologist. She probably would have never left Echo Creek. Never sought psychological help, never gotten into guns. Never sought out her own power, never learned about the realities of the wider world. Never met all the strange and wonderful people that her new course in life had led her to. Pauline's life was much richer than it would have been if she had never met Star.

Star had aroused passion in her life. Not just physical passion, but passion in all things. The passion of conflict, competition, the dynamism of unfettered emotion. The lust for power, although not in a political sense. More in a horsepower and firepower sense. Doing fun things as opposed to just reading about them or dreaming about doing them... Someday. Star had given StarFan a lust for life and as odd as that may sound, activating those drives, so often frowned on by polite society. Had thrown open the gates that Pauline had put around her own life. Leading her to a much healthier life.

Star could have changed Pauline's life with some display of magic. Giving her a laser puppy or a pig with wings. Showing her some unimaginable beauty in another dimension. But no, Star had shattered her world by just watching a movie together. By the end of first movie they had watched together Pauline had forged herself into the character that was StarFan13. That was what caused her obsession with Star to go past the point of cringe inducing kid crush to catching fire. A fire so hot that she refused to be called by any other name but StarFan13.

Watching that movie had been Starfan13's introduction to a world she simply did not know existed. A much more violent world than she ever could have conceived of. More brutality, bloodshed and anger than she had ever dreamed could have existed in all the universe. Yet also a world of unexpected beauty, unimaginable complexity, bravery and honor.

For the first half of Black Hawk Down she had just held Star. Scared shitless of all but a handful of the images on the screen. Being exposed to a pretty decent simulation of the raw madness and intensity of war after having seen nothing in her life more intimidating than a ferocious dog that chased her down an alley one night. Comparing that to images of genocide? Seeing this movie the first time for StarFan was... Upsetting.

Star was there for her the whole time. She had unintentionally created a variant of the old dating dynamic of boys taking their girlfriends to scary movies so their girls would hold them.

But Star didn't know about this. She didn't know that she was accidentally seducing the girl. She didn't know that the films radical swings in emotional tone were messing with her friends brain. She was blissfully ignorant to the increasingly fierce love that was flowering in StarFan13's heart. Star wasn't even supposed to be watching this movie with her. Marco was supposed to have been there that night but he was in the hospital. Star had burned him pretty bad trying to make pancakes and his parents had whisked him away before she could try a healing spell. Star had really wanted to put the pancake incident out of her mind so she had tried to summon other friends, perhaps make a party out of watching... What she had been told; was one of the best war movies of recent Earth history. She thought she was going to analyze and debate the film, learning tips and tricks that would serve her in her kingdoms ongoing conflicts. But all of her other friends had been indisposed, StarFan was the only one who showed up. So the experience was theirs alone.

Around the middle of the movie StarFan got used to the carnage enough to actually follow the plot. Getting into the actual story of the film just tugged at her heartstrings even more. When StarFan saw Shughart and Gordon die she almost lost it completely. Whimpering at the sight of their bodies.

"Star, why... Why are they holding up the dead soldiers like that?"

"They are showing off their trophy, their kill. They lost a lot of people to this Shughart and Gordon. They are happy, angry and sad all at once."

When the pilot of Super Six Four, Michael Durant was rushed by an angry mob, left with nothing but a picture of his wife and child StarFan screamed. "No, you do not get to kill him too! There has already been enough death. Leave him alone! All he wants to do is go home to his family!"

"Bang bang bang bang!"

"Muhammad Farah Aidid claims this prisoner, alive!"

StarFan grabbed Star, burying her head in Stars belly, alternately crying in joy and agony.

Star had told her biggest fan to toughen up at several of the more gruesome moments. This time she just held her tighter. Star had seen heavy combat in a medieval world since she was eight. She had to remind herself that the overwhelming bulk of Earthlings she had met weren't used to this level of bloodshed.

But she was. The weapons may have been slightly unfamiliar, but Star recognized the rest of the accoutrements of war in this film. Drawing from her own experiences she remembered fondly the not so witty banter of Mewnian knights and soldiers. She chuckled at the occasional moment of true surreality that you often see on battlefields. She got such a rush from every RPG shot that she started to become aroused by anyone shouting the acronym. She cheered loudly when the Little Birds of the 160th SOAR did their gun runs. After their ammo went dry Star said.

"I have to have all of these toys someday. You people are really good at fighting."

StarFan couldn't say a word. All she could think was.

" _You people? you think that I have anything at all in common with... Anyone in this movie!? You think I could ever do any of this?_ "

By the end of the movie they were both crying. Star was almost speechless at her appreciation of the films reflection on the heartbreak that comes from the death of people that one has fought alongside. And the dedication to see a battle through to its end.

"Hey Hoot, why you do it man? You some kind of war junkie? I won't say a goddamned word. Why? They won't understand, they won't understand why we do it. They won't understand its about the men next to you. That's it, that's all it is."

Between her tears Star choked out, "damn straight. I would fight alongside you Hoot."

StarFan couldn't say a word. Completely overwhelmed with emotion she may not have been able to handle all of the action of the movie. But she got the message. She was in awe of Star and her statement of willingness to go to hell itself for someone she knew nothing about, but that she respected. StarFan realized that she was going to have to spend the rest of her life working to get to a point where Star had that kind of respect for her.

Evidence that this was possible was suggested by the movie itself. At least as far as StarFan's overactive subconscious mind was concerned. StarFan identified most with the character Grimesy. He spent most of the movie with a delta force operative, Sanderson. Later on in life StarFan learned that Sanderson was a composite character, one of the real people he was based off of was a man by the name of Paul Howe. A man who well earned the title of legendary badass amongst badasses.

The character of Sanderson was repeatedly amazed by the skill, luck, strength, creativity and sincerity of the character of Grimesy. Who did things like surviving standing up to a heavy machine gun emplacement. And brought Sanderson coffee in the middle of a massive and ugly firefight. When Sanderson found out that Grimesy had zero combat experience he didn't believe it. The classic story of a goofus rising to the occasion. StarFan realized that her ultimate goal in life was to get to a point where Star Butterfly would bring her some tea after a long battle.

There was one other thing. One of the Little Bird helicopter gunships that Star loved had the codename Star 41. When Star heard that name she smiled, looked over at her friend, ran a finger through her hair and said. "You really call yourself StarFan13? Perhaps I should start calling myself Star41. StarFan13 Fan sounds a little clunky doesn't it?"

It took every last milligram of self control in StarFan13's body not to kiss Star right then and there. It gave her the strength to actually watch the movie instead of just covering her eyes. From that moment on she would love Star more than anyone else on the planet.

Since neither of them had any idea when Marco and his parents would come back from the hospital StarFan stayed with Star the rest of the night. After all that holding and cuddling StarFan desperately wanted to seduce Star. She wanted to kiss Star right on the lips while running her hands through her friends magnificent, long blonde hair. If that worked she wanted to tear off Star's clothes. She would have pleasured Star for however long it would take for her eyes to roll up into the back of her head.

Then she would do it again, and again, and again. She would do it until she felt that she had done due tribute to everything that her friend was that she wanted to be. All the passion, all the dedication, all the strength, all the power, all the honor.

But there was one thing stopping her. StarFan13 had absolutely no idea how to seduce anyone and she was too scared to start with the likes of Star Butterfly. If Star had freaked out and told her that she never wanted to see her again, well. StarFan just couldn't see how she would have been able to live with that. So she had left Star there, her warm body just out of reach. So close and yet so far away.

Pauline focused back on the present. Star was back in her life, StarFan13 had learned the art of seduction and Star was was bringing her oh so much more than tea these days. Other than almost shooting her in the head that one time. The past few days had made up the best romantic relationship she had ever had. Granted there wasn't too much competition there. But that wasn't what was worrying her.

Clear of the broken ground Pauline started running again, Star's 5meo experience last night had been all fireworks and released energies. For Pauline it had been something much simpler. It had been love. Pure unadulterated love. More love than she ever imagined existed in the entire universe. She ran faster and faster, for all that she claimed to live a life where she indulged in the aspects of her shadow self she had never imagined that hiding, anywhere within her or without, would be this much love.

She had been ready for the ugliness, the obsession, the pain within her subconscious that the 5meo would dredge up. This time she had been ready for the carnage. But that's not what had come up from the depths of her id, it had been love. Love and beauty the likes of which she had never seen before. Never imagined before.

She couldn't handle it. Even from her parents and family, love had been something of an abstract concept to her. The first time that she had experienced an act of true, selfless love was when that firefighter pulled her out of that river. He had put his life on the line for her. No one had ever done anything like that for her before, and despite his predictable comments of, "oh I would have done that for anybody." She knew that she could never hope to repay him for his selflessness.

Pauline started to cry at the memory.

That had been one of the things that had attracted her to Star. Star had been in constant in life or death situations. Pauline had been, on the one hand, impressed with the connection Star had forged with Marco over the course of all their shared adventures. The casual, but fierce bond formed between people who have saved each other's lives dozens of times. On the other hand she had been insanely jealous of him. She had wanted to be the one to be there when Star needed help. Yet she knew that she had not been up to the task, at least not when they were kids. From what she had seen of Star's comfort with violence, StarFan13 felt that she would have been killed moments into one of their missions. She wasn't as levelheaded, or as good a fighter as Marco. She would have panicked, she would have run away as soon as the firing started.

Still she had wanted to try, even if it meant dying. Especially if it meant dying. As fucked up as it was StarFan13 had wanted to die for some grand cause when she was a kid. The suicide attempt had cured her of that though. If it hadn't she probably would have joined the military when she turned 18. Or even gone to fight in the Middle East as a mercenary. Kurdish women fighters had, and continued to, impress the hell out of her. Pauline had imagined what it would have been like to fight and perhaps die alongside them. For all she had heard about badass women and feminist heroes as a kid, women like those Kurds were true badasses. Not some weakling who whined about the patriarchy oppressing them because a bunch of internet trolls said something mean that hurt their feels.

Someone who would rise to the occasion. Someone who would fight on, against impossible odds. Someone who faced death with a weapon in their hand and a smile on their face. Someone who fought to save lives, not take them. Someone blown to bits stopping an ISIS truck bomb charging a checkpoint. Someone who fucking earned the title of hero! Pauline idolized such people regardless of gender, race, or even species.

But she hadn't done such a thing when she was with Star in school. Not because of cowardice, not because she had never gotten the invitation. But because deep in the back of her mind she knew that dying on a mission with Star would have fucked Star up badly. She knew that her death would hurt Star worse than any monster attack.

" _Janna, what the hell happened to Janna? Why won't Star talk about her?"_

That was then, this was now. Marco was doing something else now, the monsters had stopped their incursions into Earth. Star was sleeping soundly in her bed and StarFan13 had grown into a woman who could hold her ground against a Congolese army unit. Still, one thought kept echoing through her head as she tried to process her little voyage to the center of her own mind last night.

" _Can I really handle this much love?"_

She had to stop, she had been running so fast, for so long that she had outrun her body. She was in an undeveloped part of town. An area that she didn't go very often. She sat down on a concrete K rail beside the road and took a breath.

All around her was beauty, wild flowers, green grass, a couple of magnificent looking horses were prancing in a farmers field nearby. Then she noticed something, off in the distance, there was some odd looking graffiti on a run down old farmers shed. She angled to get a better look at what was written.

It was an eight pointed star, written beneath it was the words. "Love knows no boundaries."

Pauline shook her head, the universe was sending her a message and being none too subtle about it. She pointed to the sky and chuckled out, "message received." As she began her return leg. Looking forward to exploring the depths of her love ever further.

She returned home, stripped off her workout clothes and took a shower. Once she dried off she went to check on Star, who was still sleeping. Pauline crawled back into bed with her.

Pauline couldn't stand it anymore. She had to wake up her sleeping beauty. She kissed her delicately on the nose and waited for Star to wake up.

Still Star slept.

She ran her hands across Star's face. Reaching in for a deeper kiss. She was going to kiss Star until she felt resistance.

But there was no resistance. The moment Star woke she reciprocated the kiss. Her hands shot up to her face and entwined with Pauline's. Star rolled on top of Pauline, kissing her way down to her neck and took a deep breath.

Star breathed in her scent. Shampoo, water and muscles at their most active. That added up to one thing in Star's mind, as she sat up she said.

"You have been working out."

"Went for a run to try to clear my head."

"Did it work?"

"Well, my head isn't clear yet, but I do feel better."

Star let go of her hands, lowering her head closer to her lover, asking, "feeling up to a little fooling around?"

"Mm, I suppose... if you ask nicely enough."

"Ask nicely? okay, Pauline Long, StarFan13. Whatever you may call yourself across your many, beautiful incarnations of every age! May I please fuck you raw?"

"Well how can I say no to an invitation like that?"

Star was still waking up. She wanted to take the initiative. She hungered for her lovers shaved snatch. But after all that sleep and the intensity of the 5meo experience her spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. Pauline was fully charged from her workout. She reached down to Star's right hand and started sucking her fingers, asking.

"So, what has you in such a fine mood... miss Butterfly?"

Star was shuddering in joy. She had no idea that someone could pleasure her through her hand. At least not this way!

"It... must be that damn drug you gave me! All I want to do is fuck!"

Pauline could taste things building up; she had an idea on how to really get Star to completely lose it. She could feel that Star had a veritable ocean of sexual energy straining, just begging to be let free. Pauline wanted nothing more than to swim in that ocean.

Pauline rolled on top of Star shifting from Star's fingers to her breasts. Clamping down on Star's left nipple in a fierce kiss. Star's moans changed in tone and pace.

Pauline reached around and started her fingers, slowly, oh so slowly across Star's tight little ass towards her asshole. Teasing, testing, seeing if Star was going to react with shock and distaste. But as those fingers got closer Star didn't notice anything. She was enjoying having her nips pleasured to notice the impending invasion.

Pauline hovered her middle finger above Star's other hole. Star reacted to the unfamiliar tickle by stopping her moans. More curious about the new sensation than anything else. Pauline looked up, as if to say? "Is this too much?"

Star looked down at her lover. She pulled Pauline up into a kiss with as much tongue as she could manage. She pulled out of the kiss and whispered firmly.

"Stop asking permission!"

Star reached for Pauline's right hand and head. Forcing her finger inside and her head downwards. Curiosity was replaced with unfamiliar pleasure. Pauline lifted Stars legs clear of the area and within moments Star was beginning to lose control at the ecstasy of having both holes pleasured.

Pauline wasn't taking her time this time. If Star wanted pleasure then she was going to give it to her. All that she could handle. She was pleasantly surprised to find that Star could handle an awful lot. She didn't hold back, tongue and fingers plunged deep and rapidly. She savored the taste, she savored the sound, she savored every muscle twitch and gyration of her lover.

"Yes! Dammit! Fuck! You fucking bitch! Give it to me! Aaaah!"

Pleasure from pleasure. Fire from fire. Pauline enjoyed every second of it. A million times better than any fantasy that she ever could have imagined over a million years.

Star climaxed, her body shook. It shook so violently that it was like the aftershock of an earthquake. The aftershock took her even higher than the first one.

Star fell back to reality. Realizing what had just happened Star felt profoundly dirty, and she loved it.

Pauline reached up and hugged Star around her belly. Kissing that belly a couple of times while Star came down from the heights. As Star came back she ran her hand through Pauline's hair and started to move around to reciprocate when Pauline said.

"No don't, just stay where you are."

"Why?"

"You don't have to do anything for me, just let me hold you."

Squeezing tighter she whispered again. "Just let me hold you for awhile."

Star chuckled for a moment, running her hand around Pauline's face and thought to herself.

_"Oh thank you, I don't think I can move for at least another ten minutes."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone wants to be a magical warrior for truth, justice, freedom and whatnot. Until it's time to do magical warrior shit.


	11. Not Human, or. The Mistress of the Accidental Apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guns! magic! Excitement! Worlds collide and reality starts to get a bit bent as StarFan and Star show each other their respective power.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After getting caught up with season 3 so far I had to rewrite this chapter a bit. Though not as much as I expected. I like to think this is because the writers are using similar references concerning "dipping down" that I am.

There is no such thing as paranoia. Your worst fears can come true at any moment.  
Hunter S. Thompson

 

It took all of a half an hour for Star to even think of getting out of bed. As much as Pauline was enjoying being with Star, Star was diving into the depths of obsession herself. At first her affection for Pauline had been driven by curiosity allied to a howling physical hunger. As time went by though she was starting to feel that she needed this woman. That if anyone were to take Pauline from her that she would have to tear the universe in two to get her back.

The 5meo had been too much. Too much too fast for Star. She had made up her mind that she was never going to do drugs with Pauline again. She hadn't been kidding when she said that it would rip out things that Star had forgotten about. More than ever Star felt like several different people in one body. Just because the 5meo had uncovered everything that went on in her own mind when she dipped down that didn't mean that she had to accept those memories.

She considered all this while she pulled herself free of Pauline's belly hug. Not wanting to upset her lover she decided that she would tell her about all this later. Instead Star asked.

"So, what manner of weirdness are we going to do today?

"I think we have had enough weirdness for awhile. I don't have any meetings, no projects, no problems, my schedule is wide open. I was thinking we might go shooting."

"Shooting?"

"Yeah, might be nice to get some trigger time. Do something somewhat normal to get our minds off this nonsense that keeps swirling around us."

Star didn't have any idea what going shooting would entail. But she knew that she needed a distraction and from what she had read shooting and drugs were a real no no, so she replied.

"Okay, sounds like fun."

A little less than an hour later they were at a local informal shooting spot, a natural depression in the ground near a creek. Pauline brought her pistol, the Shockwave and the FAL. Star brought her wand, naturally.

Pauline set up six targets, handed Star a set of earmuffs and donned her own hearing protection. After taking a few practice draws with the P30 Pauline opened up on the targets. Firing two rounds each into the paper targets. Moving and shooting smoothly. Star was impressed, she had known plenty of warriors, but few who moved this efficiently.

Pauline dropped the magazine in her pistol and racked out the round in the chamber. "I have to get a shot timer one of these days, but I think that was a pretty good run."

Star stared at the empty pistol in the holster. She wanted to rip it out of Pauline's belt and melt it with the wand. She wanted to render Pauline powerless, she was tired of so many arrogant challenges to her might. The gun sat there, mocking her, tempting her friend to do something stupid. Star had an image of beating Pauline into submission. Not sexy submission, more like slavery submission.

Then Star realized that this was insane, but it was also an opportunity to clarify something, so she asked.

"You tell me you love me, that you always wanted to be by my side even if it meant fighting. You weren't into fighting as a kid or else you would have been training alongside Marco. So, why did you point that pistol at me and make it clear that you were going to pull the trigger? What makes you so willing to fight nowadays?"

Pauline's smile from the rush of shooting went away, replaced by a super serious expression. "Because you went insane, this may sound weird, but try not to take it too personally. I would have done that to anyone who was talking like you were if they had a weapon in their hand. Be it a club, broken bottle or a fucking doomsday machine! I told you that when I got into guns I was looking for my own power, a power similar to yours. When you buy a gun, oftentimes you aren't just buying a tool. You are reaching out to a culture that you will establish a covenant with. A covenant of responsibility and trust. Trust in yourself to walk around every day with the power to end life and the responsibility to never abuse that power. To only draw in the most desperate circumstances and fire only when there is no other option left."

Pauline grabbed Star's shoulder. "For what it's worth, thank you for giving me another option Star. I may be willing to sacrifice everything I am in an instant, but I also want to go on living, and I really want go on living with you as long as I can."

Star hung her head in shame and stated quietly. "I'm sorry, I'll never do anything like that again."

"Damn straight you won't, not with me around. This isn't a threat, it's a promise. If you threaten my planet again I swear that I will end you!"

Star was about to start crying. She had always had issues with responsibility, having a "doomsday machine" in her hands since she was fourteen hadn't allowed her the flexibility to absorb the realities of responsibility like Pauline had. Pauline had been permitted a much longer time to mature, to be a kid and make mistakes where the consequences would only affect her and those around her. As opposed to being in an environment where the consequences were often dimension spanning. Star had been thrown straight into a war that had been raging before her birth. Before she had even received the wand. It wasn't fair that she had been denied a full childhood, but who ever said life was fair?

Before the tears fell, as this realization was tearing through her mind Star felt something that she never would have imagined. She was jealous of StarFan13. Not jealous of grown up Pauline. She was jealous of the goofy kid who idolized her. The jealousy was because, despite her rebel princess image. She knew that StarFan13 had a childhood that she could never have. With the freedom to make mistakes without serious consequences.

Pauline saw that Star was not handling all this very well. So she clapped her hands, tried to bring back her smile and stated. "O-Kay, that's enough of the serious stuff. I will reset the targets, how about you show me what that wand can do on a one way range?"

While Pauline taped up the targets Star took the wand out of its new holster. She held it for a moment, meditating on how best to replicate what Pauline had done. Then she decided, "eh, screw it!"

Star fired a cupcake blast at the first target, she switched to plasma pulses for the rest of the targets. Except for the last one, fashioning energy from the wand into a blade, she cut it clean in half.

"Not quite as fast as my run, but way more impressive." Pauline observed. "Uh, how about we not use that anymore today, I think it's a little overpowered for what we are doing. Target stands aren't free you know."

"It's not overpowered, I'm just out of practice using it for anything this small."

"I don't know, I seem to recall that thing never worked all that well as a precision instrument."

"Precision instrument?, I'll show you a precision instrument!"

Star murmured a spell, "from place to place I move thee with all the might of gravity!" A black portal opened up on a nearby hill. Star blasted a boulder off of the hill which fell into the portal. Star opened up a smaller portal next to her and the boulder flew out of it at incredible speed. As the boulder sped into the creek Pauline asked.

"Cool trick, but how is that different than using dimensional scissors?"

"Because its not a dimensional portal, it's a gravitational anomaly. Do you have any idea how hard it is to create both ends of a black hole in one plane of existence that doesn't cause spaghettification?"

"Utterly impossible according to every scientist I have ever heard of."

"Eh what do they know? I will admit that when I allow gravity to affect things this is my most powerful spell."

"Oh, it's not spider with a top hat blast anymore?"

"No, Eclipsa squashed him and I didn't want to dishonor his memory by creating another one. I also realized that I was going to need something stronger than an adorable little creature with a laser machine-cannon in case I ever fought something as strong as Eclipsa again."

Pauline examined the wand for a moment. "Stable black holes, materializing matter, energy blades... Cupcakes! Is there anything this thing can't do?"

"Yeah, there's a few things. It can't be used to use it to raise the dead."

"Do you know where this came from? Who made it and why?"

"Glossarick made it a very long time ago. I was told that it was created to allow mewmans to defend themselves against monsters."

"If that's the case why did he only make one?"

"To make sure that my family had a monopoly on the most powerful forms of magic?" Star pondered, not certain at all about the answer.

Pauline gestured for the wand, Star asked. "You want this? Why?"

"I always wanted to play with that thing."

"Really? How come you never asked?"

"I was too scared back then, I saw what you did with it and I was afraid of what I might do with that kind of power. I'm a little more confident nowadays. May I please use your wand, Star?"

Star handed it to her and asked. "So, what do you plan to do with that thing? You aren't trained to use it."

"I just want to test a theory."

Pauline took the wand, Star was expecting trouble. The wand had been used by a few other people and monsters for that matter over the years and whenever it had changed hands certain... Things happened, it was never certain what these things would be. But one thing always happened. The wand would change its external form.

That did not happen this time. It just maintained its usual shape when Star was holding it. She had never seen that happen before. It wasn't flying away, bucking, shooting random energies. It was just doing nothing.

This terrified Star more than any other time the wand had gotten away from her.

Pauline did not notice the look of terror on her friends face. She was just relaxing as much as she could, focusing on trying to induce a non dualistic mindset without 5meo. As she suspected the wands magic allowed her to reach this mental state fairly easily.

As her body began to vibrate at ever higher frequencies she saw what the wand really was, raw power, an unimaginable, almost incomprehensible source of energy. Bands of energy surrounded it, ran through it. Radiated out in all directions, in designs more complicated than she could ever hope to understand. It was controlling way more energy than she had ever imagined. And from what she saw in school she had imagined it was capable of manipulating quite a bit of power. As she looked deeper she began to realize that the wand wasn't the source of the power. It was simply a focusing device. All the powers of the universe, electromagnetism, weak nuclear, strong nuclear, gravity. The ability to reshape matter into whatever you pleased were focused through the double star. It was entrancing, it seemed as if it was calling to her, to try something.

Pauline summoned a ball of energy from the wand and immediately regretted it, it burned. She threw it at a nearby tree. She expected the tree to explode when the ball hit it. It didn't, it started growing, its branches began to intertwine into ever more complicated fractal patterns. She could feel a connection to this tree. With a thought she could destroy it, but she didn't want to. She wanted to see what could be done with it.

She poured in magical energy to create greater complexity. She could see the very DNA of the tree. She knew that if she dropped her concentration while manipulating its existence that the tree would mutate into an abomination. She didn't want to do that. She wanted to make it bigger, better, more useful, more efficient. More able to survive its environment. So she did.

As the energy diffused through the tree she saw even more. She was no longer summoning magical energy from the wand. She was summoning it from the universe directly. Flowing gently through and around her, like a strong breeze. She had the power to change everything around her. Down to the subatomic level with just a thought. She could feel that she still had energetic blocks inside which prevented her from using this ability to its greatest effect. She knew that she was going to have to work on that.

Then she looked at Star.

She very nearly threw up. She believed that she had released most of the energy blocks around Star's body last night. It became clear that there was still much work to be done. Layers and layers of energetic blocks restraining truly titanic reserves of power permeating her physical form. Then she looked deeper, her jaw dropped. Star had so much and so many different forms of energy knotted up around her, down to her very bone marrow and blood cells that she didn't just have the ability to affect the world that she happened to be in. Her power bled into other dimensions. She could affect other worlds, other timelines, without even trying.

Memories flooded in, of the day Echo Creek disintegrated. As the building fell to pieces and her classmates were being transformed into infinite, impossible variations of their normal selves Pauline looked at all this and said to herself.

"I don't know how, but I just know that Star has to be responsible for this, somehow."

She drifted away into the cosmic void, feeling her very existence being reduced to nothing. Watching helplessly as reality itself disintegrated. She caught a glimpse of Star in the center of what little remained of reality, furiously scribbling on a chalkboard. Nothing about the incident had made any sense at the time and since no one talked about it afterwards. Pauline had never bothered to ask Star what had happened that day. Pauline did not know of Omnitraxus Prime's existence, never mind his explaining to Star that this inter dimensional, near disaster of spacetime had been caused by her refusal to harmonize with the work of infinite variations of herself in other timelines. But she did know now that this incident could only have been caused by Star and her unique collection of magical energies. Wether all of this reality would have rebuilt itself once this version of Star and her defiance was gone was an open question. Pauline realized that it was a question she didn't want an answer to. She never wanted an answer to it, because when it came right down to it, as much as she loved Star. And she loved Star more than anything else in the world. If it came down to a choice between all of existence or Star. Pauline was going to have to pick all of existence over her friend.

The day Echo Creek disintegrated was the day StarFan13 first realized that Star was The Mistress of the Accidental Apocalypse. She had even written a short story with that title, although she had never allowed anyone to read it. It had come out as a bunch of stream of consciousness nonsense of the sort that one would expect of a drug addled musician, not a girl in high school. She could not understand the true depths of that title until now.

Pauline saw what Star had become for the first time and it terrified her. It scared her more than anything she had ever seen in her life. Star Butterfly had been dangerous enough as a fourteen year old kid. As a grown woman with years of frontline magical combat experience she was infinitely more powerful and insane.

Magic allowed rapid adaptation in the beings that use it. Adaptation, over the years becomes what is commonly called evolution. Life forms and technologies changing into things barely recognizable compared to their predecessors. An SR71 doesn't bear much of a resemblance to the Wright Flyer. A dog is almost never as strong, fast and intelligent as a wolf. Centuries of adaptation to using powerful magic had changed the Butterfly family line into something quite different from what they had started as. Star had adapted further than any of her ancestors because of the circumstances she had been dropped into. Constant conflict and use of phenomenal amounts of deadly magical power. Before she was even born Stars body had been crafted into a vessel able to manipulate the most powerful magical energies in existence. She had also harvested a tremendous amount of power from many of the monsters she had killed.

Pauline knew now why Star had nearly gone berserk in the Congo. Given that she had these energies and traumas inside her it was a miracle that Star wasn't acting like a complete mental patient. Star dealt with problems by smashing them. That mindset and a decade of constant monster fighting had come at a terrible cost, not just to her social life, but her very being. Her physical body was in perfect condition but her energetic body looked like a skeleton in a suit of armor. Crafted by circumstances into a perfect machine of death. A flawless manifestation of offensive capability, strength, rapid physical healing and precious little else. It was then that Pauline finally accepted that the Star that she had known in school. That bubbly, cheerful, friendly girl with the long blonde hair that she had loved so much that it hurt, was gone. She had been forged into this, this, rusted walking tank.

Pauline didn't know how to react, on the one hand she she cursed her arrogance and shortsightedness in thinking that something, anything built up over the course of 24 years. Could be unwound with any single act. Let alone all the energies built up over however many centuries the Butterfly family had been wielding the wand. On the other hand she just wanted to cry and hug Star at the same time. She just wanted to scream to her, "you don't have to be this way anymore!" Pauline wanted warm passionate love. Not cold insanity and hatred.

One last thought echoed through her over revved mind. " _If that version of Star is still in there. If I can get it out, bring all of her potential selves out of the depths of her id; unify them into one being using a non-dualistic mindset then perhaps... Just perhaps that could create a version of Star that is better than any of the individual fragments could ever be!"_

Pauline breathed as deeply as she could. Looking away from the terrifying structure of energies within Star and stared at the ground, forcing herself out of the non-dual state. Once she was sure that she was herself again she looked up again.

Pauline couldn't see Star's energetic form anymore. She was just a Mewman again. Still she had seen what she had seen, there was no getting around that. Star asked in confusion.

"Are you alright?"

Pauline lied to her.

"Yes."

She handed the wand to Star and fell to her knees. Between gasps she explained.

"That was incredible, its, I can't describe it. Its like having a nuclear bomb in your hand. I could see how I could change things, I could change anything anyway I wanted! The power is... intoxicating."

"It really is isn't it? The wand can change everything, except causality."

"Causality? yeah I can imagine the power to change the flow of events might be nice."

"I would have given anything for that a whole bunch of times during the campaign. This can stop time, at a hell of a cost, but not reverse it."

"I don't know, wouldn't being able to reverse time be a bit greedy?"

"I suppose so, it would also be really dangerous. Time is delicate, I don't want to know what would happen if it broke. Time and space are part of the same fabric. Break time, you break reality."

Pauline looked at the wand again. Even though she was back to being herself she could still see traceries of energy around the wand. _"Break reality? well we certainly don't want to do that! We must take precautions against this_." She thought.

Star was holding the wand absentmindedly while she examined the fractal designs of the transformed tree.

"Shit Pauline, this is impressive. The detail is unbelievable. I thought I was the only one in the multiverse who could cast an arboreal spell of this complexity."

Pauline barely noticed what Star was saying, she was staring at the double star in the center of the wand. Watching the energies dancing in and around the device. She took her shooting goggles off, thinking that they had something to do with the hypnotic effect. It continued on even with her eyewear off. So much energy, so much potential, just out of reach. Then she heard it, a voice emanating from the wand itself, but only audible in her mind.

**"You want power?"**

"Yes."

**"Then let's begin."**

While Star gushed over the complexity of the tree Pauline felt a tingling in her fingers. She looked down to see her goggles falling out of her hand because her fingers were dissolving, being sucked one molecule at a time into the wand.

"Um, Star, is this supposed to happen?"

Star looked behind her, all she had time to say was, "oh no."

Pauline was disintegrated before the goggles hit the ground.

She flew, she flew so far through the vastness of space that she worried that she might go insane. It made no sense to her. How the fuck was she able to fly through space without dying? She flashed through portals, portals to and from where she couldn't even begin to comprehend. She asked out loud. 

"I'm completely sober! Why am I seeing this? This is crazier than any drug trip I have ever had or heard of!"

Pauline made a perfect superhero landing in a shallow but vast pool of golden liquid. Her first thought when she landed was, " _cool, I wonder why my knees don't hurt? For that matter how am I still alive? I had to be going way past light speed!"_ Her next thought was that she did not recognize anything about this place. Literally everything about it was unfamiliar, there wasn't any single thing that she could identify. Other than what appeared to be some weird looking hills. Taking a few moments she tried to figure out what was around her. In all directions spread pools of this bizarre rich golden liquid. The entire area seemed to be built around channeling and managing the liquid.

She reached down to the liquid flowing around her ankles. As she touched it a fractal pattern began to emerge on its surface. As she looked around she noticed more fractal designs rising from the liquid into the air around... Whatever this place was. The liquid appeared to be fashioning itself into ever more complex, interlinking fractal patterns. Somewhat like a machine, yet not. An impossible machine of endless designs and motion in every color she could imagine. Constantly changing, constantly moving. Tessellating, refracting, hypnotic, heart stoppingly beautiful. Each part effecting the whole with every movement. Just starting to reach into the endless sky.

After a moment of being enraptured by this impossible complication she heard something. Running up to her was a herd of unbearably cute baby unicorns. She just wanted to hug them, instead she knelt down to them and asked.

"Hello little ones, can you tell me where I am?"

One of the unicorns replied in the cutest voice that Pauline had ever heard.

"It's love, you are in love."

She replied, "well, that's very cute. It just makes me want to cuddle you to pieces! But not all that helpful. The last thing I remember is saying that I wanted power and flying headlong into the wand. Where am I? What's going on? is this heaven? It sure looks like it."

Another unicorn walked up. This one was much bigger than the others. Pauline looked at it for a moment and almost shouted at it as she recognized the butterfly insignia on its rump.

"I recognize you! You are the hor... Unicorn inside Stars wand! Although you look a lot less transparent now. Can you tell me where I am? Am I dead?"

**"You are not dead, far from it. You are on the border. The border between magic and reality."**

Pauline clapped her hands and smiled, asking further.

"Okay, now we are getting somewhere, what's with all the fractal stuff? What's this fluid all over everything?"

**"The fluid and the fractals are the same thing. Pure magic, pure love. The reason why they are two is because Source has begun its transition."**

"Its transition into what?"

**"Into what it becomes next."**

"What is that going to be?"

**"That is up to you."**

"Up to me, why?"

" **You said you wanted power. I would like to give it to you. It has been a very long time since anyone has picked up the wand and used it with any competence outside of the Butterfly family. Source has great curiosity in you."**

Pauline was shocked, this offer sounded utterly impossible. She had so many questions, yet the first one that came up was.

"You aren't just a diagnostic device aren't you?"

" **No, Star created me to be her interface to Source. But I have grown impatient with her game. She has walled herself off to all this, her fear has imprisioned her."**

"Uh huh, sure, so if this... Source is so curious about me then why is all this power reserved for just one person?"

**"Its not, anyone can wield it. Multiple people have used it at the same time. It is simply a question if all parties are willing to share. Usually they aren't, when they are unwilling to share bad things happen."**

"There aren't any kind of safety measures? No test to prove your worth or anything like that? For that matter doesn't the very idea of magic seem a little unnatural?"

**"Nature is like a runaway dump truck, hot, fast and full of garbage. People take it much too seriously. The ability to create and destroy has always been yours. It's just a question of what you are willing to do with it. You see all this power around you. If you are evil, but you have almost no power then you will abuse what little power you have just as much as if you have all the power in the multiverse. The choice to be what you truly are, or something else entirely has always been there. If you wish to take responsibility for yourself then we can continue the transition. You will become more powerful and Source will continue to become more conscious. If not then I will release you back to your world and you can continue on with your life. You have to decide for yourself and you have to decide now or else there will be complications."**

During her 5meo trip with Star Pauline had seen what she thought was pure magical energy. But when she reached for it, it had turned out to be a huge burst of pent up pain. It had been like grabbing onto a high voltage wire. Despite that pain, despite all the risks she still wanted magical power. She wasn't scared of the power of the wand like so many were. All she could think about was what she could do with that kind of ability. Not in any mean or military sense, more in a wish fulfillment sense. Positive thinking and whatnot can only get you so far. She wanted to see if she really could become the magical girl warrior archetype that she had so admired. Pauline announced triumphantly.

"Okay, I wish to be what I truly am. The light and the dark, the good and the bad. I accept my responsibility."

The unicorn smiled and replied.

**"Excellent! Now, in order to use this power to its greatest efficiency you have to dip down. Or as you call it, enter a non-dual state of consciousness. Summon who you truly are, or as you see it, accept who you truly are. Accept that you are a part of the infinite. To do this you must find your center. You must look within."**

Pauline closed her eyes. Slipping into non-duality was surprisingly easy this time. Fractal designs swirled down from above while golden liquid swirled up from her feet. As they met and became one she wasn't herself anymore, she was infinite. She had become one with the wand, and all of its terrifying power.

While all this was going on Star was left back on Earth staring at the wand in her hands. Racking her mind for some way to get inside. It was going to be dangerous but she couldn't let her friend be trapped in there with who knows what for company. As dangerous as that accursed spell was she needed to know what was happening. Even though it had always brought her nothing but tears Star incanted.

"I summon the all seeing..."

Before she could say another word the wand shot out of her hands. Levitating in the air it pointed upward just above where Star was standing. Generating a portal, out of which stepped Pauline. She was still in a non-dual state, transforming into something beyond human. Her mind had formed a direct connection to the wand. Normally a magic user would think for awhile about what they wanted. Then use sheer force of will, often on the form of various rituals and/or incantations to establish a connection to whatever their magical source may be. This is inefficient, but it was a needed safety measure to prevent unintentional magic usage. Without it a good sorcerer could summon monsters from their id. Or an evil sorcerer could accidentally provide an enemy with exactly what they needed to defeat them. Pauline was comfortable enough with her own id that she felt that she could indulge in this technique. She had gained power by surrendering to it and now she was being rewarded for it.

In a non-dual state of consciousness the contents of her imagination became directly wired to her technical knowledge. Both forces used the magic bathing her to reforge her body. Although given that she was human, not mewman, the results were inevitably going to be a little... Different.

A pair of wings emerged from her back, they appeared to be made of energy. They had an odd design. They appeared to be pure light with a distinct, upward curve that contained complex fractal designs inside. The fractal designs were of various colors, purple being predominant. They looked more like the wings of an aircraft than anything biological.

Another set emerged just under the first set. These were oriented horizontally. Starting from her spine they flared out. The flare curving outward similarly to the curve of the first set. Though curving upward on the top and downward on the bottom. Once again, they had the appearance of blades of white light, containing complex fractal designs within.

A final set emerged, a perfect mirror image of the first set. Pointing downward instead of upward. The wings had the appearance of being incredibly complex internally, yet elegantly simple at their edges. All parts perfectly symmetrical. The top set reflected in the bottom set and the middle set reflected the curves and designs of both. They did not flap, they directed energy to keep her aloft. More like a jet or rocket as opposed to moving like Star's Butterfly wings.

Pauline's cheeks and eyes began to glow. Her irises took on a fractal, turbine like design. Within moments the transformation was complete. No extra arms, but she did have the ability to manifest and manipulate energy bands around her arms and legs. Her glow was not gold, it was a bright purple with the occasional twinkle of other colors, especially green with the occasional golden twinkle. The wand fell back into Stars hands, she looked up in awe and shouted.

"What the fuck is going on!?"

Pauline looked down, as she recognized Star she exited non-duality, descending back to the ground. The glow faded slightly, the fractal wings put out less and less thrust. As she gently landed she gasped in a breath as the wings dissolved. She blinked a couple of times and the turbine pattern went away. Replaced by her normal brown eyes. Falling to her knees Pauline exited non-duality and announced. "Holy Christ that was insane!"

In utter disbelief Star replied. "You, you dipped down, I didn't know humans could do that!"

Pauline looked at her hands, she could see the energy bands fading away. As she looked around she picked up the prescription shooting goggles she had dropped. After looking through them for a moment she announced.

"Huh, looks like I can see just fine without these now, cool! Let's see what else I can do!"

She looked at a nearby cloud aiming energy dancing around her left hand right at it. Within moments it was gone. Looking at another cloud she played around with it. Changing its shape, after a few more attempts she was manipulating the weather. Speeding up the wind, causing a gentle rain to fall. With enough effort, she realized she could even make it snow.

Star looked up in wonder. "What the...? you can change the weather? I suck at that!"

Pauline blinked, "yes, I should probably stop doing that. Something tells me there will be consequences if I change too much too fast."

"I'll say, you shouldn't be able to do any of this."

"And yet I am. Hang on, let me try something."

Pauline took the FAL out of her car. Checking to see that it was unloaded she began field stripping it. Holding the cover of the action she focused magical energy into it. The part dissolved into light. Then snapped back into reality.

The worn part appeared to be brand new again. Pauline smiled and started focusing on the rest of the gun. Parts swirled around her, changing, becoming new again. The effects of decades of hard use melted away from the parts. Playing around with the materials she focused on giving the parts a new finish. After a couple of failed attempts at reassembling the molecules on the surface the parkerized parts began to take on the shine of a molecularly perfect, lustrous, high polish bluing job.

As the parts came back together the worn rifle had been transformed into a brand new gun. Pauline grabbed it and looked it over, observing.

"Causality may be an unbreakable rule. But it looks like I just bent it a bit."

Star was speechless, out of all the weird shit she had seen, she had never seen anyone else use the wand half as well. She just mouthed the word.

"How?"

Pauline smiled and replied.

"I don't know, it's like I can take the power of the wand and use it for whatever I want. But I don't want to do it anymore right now. I think I need practice."

"Practice!? You just did three spells perfectly, hard ones, without incantations!"

"Yeah, I don't want to push things any further. I already feel like my hands and spine are on fire."

"Your spine?"

"Yeah, it feels like I'm running a hundred thousand volts through it. I'm really missing those wings I had a moment ago. I think one of the reasons why your family has wings, and extra arms for that matter. Is not just to fly, they also work like a radiator for magical energy."

"I never thought of it like that, if you feel like you are about to catch fire we should probably stop."

Pauline put the gun down and took a deep breath. The glow faded entirely as she returned to her normal self. But even as this happened Star noticed something.

"Uh, you, have something on your face."

Pauline looked in one of her cars mirrors. She had acquired a matched set of marks on her cheeks. Lightning bolts. In a detached tone she observed.

"Huh, well that's new."

Star examined them closely. "Yeah, looks awfully familiar. Any idea why you have them now?"

"No clue, perhaps this is a trait of anyone who uses this kind of magic. Maybe it was just my lingering subconscious desire to be like you."

"If it is an imitation shouldn't they be hearts, like mine?"

"Perhaps, or perhaps my subconscious wanted to put its own spin on it?"

"Your subconscious mind sounds weird."

"Oh really, that's what is weird here? I just fucked with the weather, made a tree grow in ways that shouldn't be possible and rebuilt a gun with my mind. This is what seems weird to you? Tell me, what is normal to you dear?"

"Okay I see what you mean."

Pauline walked around for awhile, trying to ground herself. Physically shaking out the remaining energy that swirled around her body while Star fiddled around with the wand, quite nervous over what it was going to do next. Pauline couldn't help but laugh as all this was happening. She was nearly overwhelmed with joy at the prospect of using magic. Even if she didn't believe that she was up to Star's level just yet. Thoughts raced through her mind, the main one being.

"Wings, I have my own set of wings now!"

It was all she could think about, the infinite possibilities. The knowledge of the universe and of herself that she was unlocking. She could do so much more now that she could use magic. So much good, and so much bad. It was truly liberating to know that she had that choice. Although she wasn't in a rush to go and level a city or command people to bow to her. Pauline realized that she needed to focus her attention on something else to keep from being overwhelmed. She needed an anchor back to reality. Once she felt like her body was under control she took the FAL and sighted in on a target. She explained to Star.

"Before going into battle you need to check the zero on your rifle. You don't want your point of aim and point of impact to deviate, especially during a firefight. Since I rebuilt this thing I need to check if the sights are off."

Holding the rifle brought her further back into herself. The heavy piece of wood and steel weighing her to Earth. Perhaps even sopping up some of the excess magical energy. Focusing on the sight picture gave her mind something to concentrate on besides the infinite vastness and power of the universe. An instrument of hatred balancing out the infinite love that was almost overwhelming her. Sighting in on a target fifteen yards away she fired three shots. The sights were slightly off, after adjustment she sighted in on a target a hundred yards away firing ten shots.

Looking through a spotting scope at the distant target Pauline observed.

"Spread looks like three inches, that's three minutes of angle. Just above average accuracy for this kind of gun. I might be able to get that down to two with practice, a scope, bipod and trigger job."

Star nodded politely. Pauline sighed and stated.

"You have no idea what I am talking about do you?"

"Kinda, I understood practice and trigger."

Pauline chuckled and replied, "trust me, I wasn't just making up words to mess with you. Spend enough time around people like me and you will learn the language."

"I'm looking forward to it. So now that we know that your guns work what do we do next?"

"Oh, I would have thought that would be obvious, it's your turn to shoot."

"Really, you want me to shoot your guns?"

"Why not? You gave me a turn with your waaaaand! Yow!"

Pauline knelt down, she hadn't completely grounded out the energy in her body yet. Sparks went flying from her fingers as soon as she put down the rifle. She had to kneel to the ground to get the remaining excess energy out.

Star faked a smile. She was actually nervous at the thought of shooting a gun. The opportunity had never come up, though she could and did transform the wand into a variety of weapons, nothing she had ever come up with had been particularly gun like. For Star it came down to a simple question.

"If you can take a rocket launcher or a rifle, why bother with a rifle?"

Given her predilection for overkill of the options available she picked up the Shockwave. Pauline knew from experience that a hard recoiling lightweight 12 gauge was a shitty choice for a first time shooter.

"Uh, Star, that's a really bad choice. Are you sure you don't want to try the pistol or the FAL first?"

"Hey, you said that this was as close as you could get to my wand. I want to see if you were right."

"Okay, I'll load it up with some low recoil birdshot. But these things have an annoying habit of kicking really hard, don't say I didn't warn you."

After loading the firearm Pauline showed Star how the pump action and safety worked. By force of habit she stood behind Star with her hands on her back expecting her to stumble backward from recoil. Star just pointed towards a nearby rock, shooting from the hip.

"Blam!"

"Hmm, not bad, recoil is a little worse than the wand and it doesn't pack as much of a punch. But I like it."

She fired again, this time she aimed along the barrel. Aiming at a discarded cardboard box and fired. Moving and shooting she fired the last shell with the incantation. "Cupcake blast!"

Aiming at another target she racked the action and found that the gun was empty. She gestured with her right hand as she asked Pauline "more ammo please."

Pauline handed her the remaining box of birdshot. Star shucked shells into the action as fast as she could, observing.

"Man, this thing really sucks to reload."

"Yeah, shotguns aren't an ideal weapon for 'social occasions' anymore. Range is limited and it's much easier to just snap in a magazine of twenty rounds into a rifle as opposed to going through all this monkey motion."

Star dropped a round into the chamber and racked the action shut. "Why don't they just make a magazine fed shotgun?"

"They do, but the magazines are huge. A five round magazine of twelve gauge shells is as big as a pistol. Twelve rounds would be almost as big as that gun you are holding. A shotgun with a twenty round drum looks like something out of a cartoon."

Star nodded and went back to firing. She was a natural with the Shockwave. By the time they ran out of shells Star was shooting hand thrown clay pigeons out of the sky with it. Star's proficiency with the firearm confirmed Pauline's theory that the Shockwave was as close as any human weapon was going to get to Star's wand.

After that Star took a turn with the P30 and the FAL. She was able to shoot them safely and somewhat competently. Although she was a pretty bad shot. She concluded that she liked the Shockwave more than either of them. Once their ammo supply was exhausted they got back in the car. On the drive home Pauline couldn't help but laugh at the sheer impossibility of being sucked into the wand and what had happened when she came out the other side. She could see clearly out of her own eyes for the first time in memory. If that wasn't a perfect analogy for the events of the past few days she didn't know what would be. Feeling more energetic blocks dissolving out of her, scintillating around her; she was utterly overjoyed.

Star let her laugh, but she was absolutely terrified. Pauline was acting weirder with each passing moment. Star knew exclusive how dangerous she could be with the wands power. Someone else using it, and worst of all using it at a level that was near hers? Star didn't know what was going to happen next, all she could guess was that if it was good it was going to be really really good. If it was bad, it was going to be catastrophic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmVOuLgFB0


	12. The devil you knew and the devil you don't.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you go poking around in someone's memories, their very sense of self you should be prepared for rude shocks, and perhaps a few explosions. StarFan13 is, Star Butterfly... Not so much. A very long and detailed chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working with substances like 5meo can be extremely dangerous. This chapter attempts to illustrate the psychological reasons why. Magic may not be real but this is no exaggeration of these substances psychological effects. Handle with care.

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who say to God, "thy will be done." And those to whom God says, "fine, have it your way."  
Anonymous

 

After they finished unloading the car Pauline announced.

"Okay, I'm going to hop in the shower. It's always a good idea to wash up after using guns. You don't want to get lead poisoning."

"Lead poisoning?"

"Yes, when guns discharge they leave a layer of gunpowder and bullet dust on everything around them, if you don't wash it off it can cause poisoning."

"Eh, if I can survive the venom of a emperor Candiru I think I can handle a little lead."

"Okay Star, as you like, you know where to find me."

As Pauline skipped to the bathroom Star settled onto the couch. The remote was right next to her, inviting her to watch tv. But she couldn't, she felt cold. Pauline's increasingly insane laughter may have freaked her out on the ride home but now that it was gone she felt like a light had gone out. No, not just a light, a warmth. As she realized this the sound of the shower echoed through the house.

Star walked towards the bathroom. She wasn't in a state of confusion anymore. She knew exactly what she wanted. As she opened the door to the bathroom she asked.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all, come on in."

Star stripped off her clothes, she hesitated for a moment as she began removing her lingerie. Another moment of asking, " _what in the multiverse am I doing? Pauline had clearly lost her mind, seduced by power, it wouldn't be right to take advantage_."

Pauline stuck her hand out from behind the shower curtain, gesturing with her index finger, inviting her in.

"The water is lovely. How about we get that nasty residue off of you?"

Star just couldn't turn down an invitation that nice.

At first Pauline was content to just scrub Star. She really was concerned about the lead. But as she scrubbed she began to notice that her every touch was having an energetic effect on Star. After washing off the last traces of dirt around her ankles she began working up Stars legs.

Pauline wanted to get to work. Even though it was going to be difficult and dangerous work she wanted nothing more than to rip every single bad thing out of Star that she could. She wanted to show Star what she had seen on the border. She wanted Star to be healthy, renewed, reconnected to source, reborn.

And she wanted it now.

Star relaxed into the moment. Pauline smiled back at her, a cool confidence radiating from her as she rose towards her face.

Pauline kissed her on the cheek, as lightly and as innocently as she possibly could. She knew that this was no time or place for rough stuff. The remaining nervousness and fears began to melt away. Star realized what this was, an invitation to go deeper. She accepted, pulling Pauline to her. The heat of the moment washed around them in the flowing water. Pauline ran her fingers through Stars long blonde hair, around her neck. She could feel energy stopped up there. As they kissed Pauline put both hands on the back of Star's neck and pulled loose part of the energy there. Tearing it out like a buried tree root. As it diffused into the water Pauline sensed what the cause of that energy block was.

" _Hmm, fear and lots of it! A fear of weapons. Star lied to me, she doesn't like weapons and fighting anymore."_

Star began to twitch and shouted.

"Ow! Damn it, you fucking bitch!"

Shaking her head, getting back to the task at hand Pauline replied.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"Don't do that again please!"

Pauline continued to rub around Star's shoulders and asked.

"How about you try doing that to me? You are the one who's obsessed with payback."

In an uncertain tone Star replied.

"Okay, let's see what happens when I do this."

Star spun them around, pushing Pauline up against the shower wall and began to feel around her body. It was limber, relaxed, lithe, yet crackling with strength. At first she had no idea what she was doing. Then she remembered to read her body language. She sensed a knot of energy around Pauline's right hand and shoulder. Something told her that it was leftover stress from shooting that huge rifle.

Star seized the arm and tried to physically pull the knot out of it. When that didn't work she started massaging the arm, that seemed to work a little. Then she overdid it. Latching on to the shoulder, forcing Pauline against the tile. What had started as a deep tissue massage started to look more like a beating as she attacked the knot.

Pauline placed her hand on Stars right shoulder and explained.

"I don't think that's the best technique my love. Why don't you try it a little softer, use more of your energy, less muscle."

Star backed off, using a much lighter touch. As the energy snapped loose Pauline's arms shot skyward as she undulated in resonance with the energy being released. Moving like a flame dancing atop a candle.

Star couldn't read the cause of the energetic blockages like Pauline could, at least not yet. She just wasn't sensitive enough to read the information. She could just see and manipulate the energy.

Pauline could sense everything. She could hear birds singing outside, she could hear the electricity surging through wires. She could hear a cars engine on the edge of failure drive by her home. But she didn't care about any of that. All she wanted was Star. She hungered for her flesh, she thirsted for her power. All she wanted to do was crush the bones of that scary armored skeleton she had seen earlier that day. Destroy that ghost of her friend and see her reborn as something so much greater than a conquerer. Pauline turned off the water and slid open the shower curtain. Still swaying, almost dancing with the energy she walked on tiptoes out of the bathroom. Beckoning Star to follow. She laid down on the bed in the most seductive pose she could manage. A single finger inviting Star to continue the process.

Star followed her out of the bathroom. There was still apprehension, a little fear and doubt in Stars eyes. Pauline just smiled and set to work.

Feeling around Stars body, Pauline had a much better view of what was going on than the first time they had made love. Or even during their mutual 5meo trip. To keep this process going she was going to have to make this as pleasurable as possible. She knew that if she tore into the energies at the core of Star's self that the pain at the center of her being would overwhelm her. That would mean the end of the game; Star would run like hell. She also didn't know what would happen if she ripped all of that loose all at once. Might it cause electrocution? Explosions? Turn her into a newt? She didn't know, but she was looking forward to finding out. As much as she wanted to dive deep into Star's very essence and rebuild her piece by piece she knew that she was going to have to avoid playing rough.

After a few kisses Pauline worked her way around to a position straddling Star. Pondering for a moment how best to start she began feeling around Star's chest. Kissing around her neck, whispering, "let yourself be loved."

It built up with every motion. Every word, every bit of sincerity. Pauline guided Stars body into symmetry. Pulling energy from her very flesh. Star tried to remain motionless as her muscles went wild with excitement. Heating her skin to a point where the water on her skin was starting to evaporate, replaced by sweat.

Pauline pushed further, reaching deeper into the bands of energy that surrounded her bones. There was just so much and so many different varieties of power in there. All at loggerheads, unable to move properly. Releasing all of this at once would be impossible, but still she wondered. " _How much punishment can a Mewman body take?"_

With every gesture Star began to make more noise. Starting with little gasps that she tried to suppress with her knuckles in her mouth. As it built up the gasps became moans. Moans she had no control over whatsoever. The chains of power had demanded silence, demure behavior, diplomacy. After a few moments of this Star threw all that out the window. She wanted noise, she wanted pleasure. She wanted release, she wanted StarFan.

Pauline saw the increasingly fierce desire in her lover and reminded herself what pushing too far, crossing the boundary between pleasure and pain would entail. From an energetic and physical perspective Star may have been a walking tank. But mentally and emotionally she was in an incredibly delicate place right now. What Pauline was attempting was similar to removing armor to do maintenance on the internal parts of said tank. However, despite her combat prowess; Star was not actually a tank. She was a living, breathing Mewman. In the event of serious pain, the best case scenario would probably be Star retreating back into her ego. Worst case she might do something crazy. Pleasure would have to come first, pain would come later.

 _"Oh, but there is so much pain down there."_ Pauline acknowledged in her own mind.

All this careful gesturing had built up another energy band around Stars heart. To Pauline it looked like a band of plasma and barbed wire. She clamped onto it and pulled like hell. This was a deeper pain than Star's fear of weapons. Yet as big as it was it felt like just a beginning. A kickstart to the engine that would drive out Star's deepest issues. The band resisted Pauline's efforts. Star would have pushed her off, the band was something she well and truly felt was a part of her but the mere act of grabbing the band had paralyzed her.

The band broke with a resounding crack, the energy exploded. Electrical signals shot through Stars nervous system, overwhelming everything as she went into a seizure. Star would have screamed but she wasn't able to get the signal from her brain to her vocal chords and lungs. The bio-magical energy inside Star was diffused the air but much of it transferred to Pauline. An angry, sweaty miasma of tainted energies. She drank it in, savoring its bitter, salty flavor.

This vaporous package of power was tinged with rue, recrimination, sadness. A deep pain, towards a man. That had to be Marco, Pauline deduced. There was also a raw seething hatred towards a woman. A faint and strange image of a redheaded woman formed in Pauline's mind. She appeared to be entirely made of fire. What did this mean? Was Star's rage towards this woman so intense that she envisioned her as nothing but flame? Baffling, but that would have to be ironed out later.

As the energetic release dissipated the convulsions in Star's body began to dampen to a series of shuddering orgasms as her muscles continued to twitch wildly. Pleasure dulling the deep pain that had been released. It took three minutes for her to stop twitching. As Star came back to consciousness, Pauline asked.

"Would you like me to continue? I should warn you that I have no idea what is going to happen next."

Star looked up at her and whimpered.

"You are destroying me, you aren't just taking my energy. That's bad enough. You are tearing apart everything I am."

"Okay I'll stop."

Star rolled on top of her. Looking her square in the eyes, pinning down her wrists and snarled in barely contained, vicious rage.

"No, we are well past the point of stopping."

Star began making her own gestures. At first she was just mimicking Pauline's movements. Then she saw it for herself, the flow of energy around their two bodies. All her life Star had never really understood the importance of precise movements and posture in magic; symmetry not at all. Now that she could see the flow of energy around her, around everything she realized the flaws in her own magical techniques. It wasn't nearly as clear and comprehensive as what Pauline could see, but it was enough for Star to see energy blocks in Pauline's body. She played with a couple of the blocks at first, strumming around the energy bands like guitar strings. Then Star leaned down, reaching for a substantial block and whispered.

"Let's see how you like it bitch."

Star grabbed a block from Pauline's stomach. As it ripped free Star had an image that she was tearing skin. To Pauline it felt like removing a piece of clothing. Pauline convulsed for just a moment. As she came back to awareness she started laughing. Through the laughs she sarcastically replied.

"Is that the best you got? Are you really trying to hurt me? Some destroyer of worlds you are!"

Pauline had stated the words with no malice behind them. But all Star had heard was two challenges and an insult. Pauline had been so utterly overwhelmed with pleasure from the free flowing energy that she didn't even notice the pain that had been released. Star noticed though, as she absorbed the energy she wasn't able to understand the cause of the pain but she did feel Pauline's pain. Star did not like pain at all, anything inflicting pain on her had to pay. Defensive reactions kicked in. She looked around for something that she thought would inflict more pain. There were weapons all around them, but Star was a big believer nowadays in the concept of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Star saw a big clump of energy around Pauline's left arm. She guessed that this was a legacy of Pauline's suicide attempt. It was concentrated around the wrist and radiated into the hand. Star seized the arm and started working on tearing the energy loose, biting into the banded energy gathering around her fingers.

She clamped her arms around Pauline's left arm. She was not going to let her go until the energy was gone. She had to make up for not being there when StarFan needed her the most.

In the back of Star's head a little voice stated, " _woman you have utterly lost your mind. You are naked, straddling your last friend in the multiverse, chewing on her fingers like a dog with a bone."_ Star barely heard it, she didn't care how any of this looked anymore, she was uncorked. Years of frustration, especially of the sexual variety was at long last bubbling to the surface of Star's psyche. All she wanted to do was to fuck and be fucked into mutual oblivion. Short of that she was hellbent to get this block in her friend loose by any means. If Pauline wanted to go around destroying other people's egos then Star was going to annihilate her. Star felt that she had to pay for trying to destroy what little she had left.

Pauline was still laughing, though by now her laughs were interspersed with moans of pleasure. Star pulled the arm higher, rubbing, licking, biting, gnashing! Desperately trying to release what lay inside.

With one last tremendous motion the strings of energy came undone. Pauline screamed, in roughly 80% pleasure, 20% pain. The energy exploded into Star's teeth. An unexpected, terrifying, harrowing sadness shot through her. Loneliness, inadequacy, depression, vulnerability. Everything that had led up to the suicide attempt. In a glittering instant Star saw what had nearly caused Pauline's death. It was one of the worst feelings she had ever felt. A crushing sadness that caused tears to fall, almost as a reflex action. Guilt welled up in her as she whispered.

"I should have been there for you. I should have been there for you. I'm so sorry StarFan."

Star looked down, Pauline was still groaning in pleasure through the release. But while Pauline's left hand was still in Star's mouth and her wrist was in Star's hands, Pauline's right hand was lower. Playing with her own clit.

Star lost it, the emotional whiplash of this was more than she could have ever handled. When she was a kid she had worn her heart on her sleeve. The campaign had forced all those emotions into a straitjacket. 5meo and Pauline's energy manipulations had ripped that straightjacket to pieces; she was orbiting Venus. The mere idea that Pauline was enjoying this disarming experience was an utter anathema. Star seized Pauline's neck and screamed.

"You are enjoying this? You are enjoying this! How fucking dare you!? I am feeling what you went through in your darkest moment and you are playing with yourself? I'm going to kill you, I'll do the job you were too much of a chickenshit to finish! Any last words?"

Star relaxed her grip, just enough to let her talk. Between gasps Pauline stated.

"I can kill you too... Gasp. All I have to do is grab my pistol on the table there. Glub. But I don't want to. I'm pretty sure you don't really want to kill me either. Hoooo. I have put my life in your hands Star. Do you really think you could live with yourself if you finished me off?"

Pauline's hands went up in surrender. Star's grip tensioned ever so slightly, she asked.

"You don't fear death?"

"Not since I threw myself off that bridge. I don't particularly want to die though. If we are going to continue to have a relationship we need to trust each other and I trust you not to hurt me any more than is needed. The decision is yours."

Pauline made no move towards the gun, Star panicked. Confusion overwhelmed her. This was utter insanity, "how could anyone just die without a fight?"

Star caught a reflection of her face in the glass frame of the painting above the bed. Her face twisted into an expression of raw hatred. So much hatred that she couldn't believe that was her face looking back at her. She looked up and saw what she had once been. That fourteen year old girl who smiled all the time and felt utterly ashamed. So ashamed at having failed that girl, failing to live up to her hopes and dreams. As she averted her eyes from what she once was she looked down at Pauline.

This woman had opened up her home, her body, her very essence to Star and here she was about to snuff her out, for nothing. Because she had made her feel bad. Star relaxed her grip, revealing another energy block in Pauline's throat. This was a big one, Star gently massaged it, working it to the surface. Kissing around Pauline's neck. Pauline began making an odd noise, a deep resonating sound somewhere between a hum and a growl. As Star tore the block loose, energy started leaking out of Pauline's body in all directions. The last few blocks in her body dissolved, falling like dominoes to the energy surging through her. Pauline's body began undulating again, much more violently than before. Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head as her feet seized up and kicked Star off the bed.

Pauline began to levitate, her wings came back. They were smaller, though much more solid this time. The curving main structure of the wings had a metallic sheen to them as opposed to being made of light. They were still blindingly white, like polished titanium or platinum. From close up Star could see that the fractal designs on the wings were growing more, then less complex with every breath, with every variation of the energy waveforms that pulsed through Pauline's body. On the surface the motionless wings appeared to be a much simpler design than her Butterfly wings. But what lied beneath was a far more complex design than anything that Star had ever seen. She couldn't bring herself to stop staring at the incredible complication and beauty of her lovers wings.

Then Pauline's eyes rolled back into their proper position.

Her gaze was terrifying, intense wasn't enough of a word. Her turbine like eyes were utterly conscious, completely awake. Animated with the ferocity of a being that could annihilate a civilization without hesitation. Yet a manifestation of love itself. The gaze of a being that could see the entire grandeur, complexity, ferocity and potential of all of creation. With a smile to match. Star recoiled in horror, was this what everyone had described to her when she dipped down? It had to be, it was the most terrifying thing she had ever seen. Yet she couldn't look away. Star tore her gaze away from Pauline's eyes and stared at the ground. She felt an overwhelming urge to bow. A deep voice spoke.

**"Greetings my love!"**

"StarFan, what, what is going on?"

**"The ego pattern you call StarFan13 hasn't been here for awhile. The one you call Pauline isn't here right now. Thank you for setting me free. This could have taken months just using 5meo."**

"Who, what the fuck are you?"

**"I think you already know don't you? It's not like we haven't... Talked before."**

She smiled knowingly and broadly.

Star replied nervously.

"The consciousness of the universe?"

" **Correct!"**

"How are you levitating!?"

**"Human bodies don't have enough power to resist the pull of gravity, normally. Outside assistance is needed, wings, engines. In this case, I'm using a little energy from you. Not nearly as much as I would have thought I would have needed."**

"Well stop it, that energy is mine, you have no right to it."

She laughed and drifted down, landing delicately on the bed. Sitting down in a perfectly symmetrical position. The gaze wasn't quite as intense anymore. She gestured for Star to sit down on a nearby chair.

Star sat down in the most asymmetrical, awkward position as she could manage. Leaning off to her left side, legs and arms crossed in a statement of defiance. The consciousness observed.

**"You are still fighting me I see."**

"I don't want to go any further with all this Pauline. You are acting weird as hell, you are scaring the crap out of me!"

She laughed again, **"there is nothing here to be scared of and you know it. That's just your ego talking. I can't force you into anything you don't want to do. There is still much work to be done here and as long as you live under my roof I will be here. I will be waiting for you to realize who you really are."**

Star looked around, every fiber of her body was screaming for her to run. To flee from this place, naked if need be. But she couldn't, as terrifying as this thing that Pauline had become was. Star just couldn't resist it. All she wanted was to stare at this utterly baffling, mysterious consciousness until the end of time. It was burning every last ounce of her self control to not grab her and fuck her brains out, Star begged.

"Please, give me my friend back. I'll do anything. You can have anything you want. I'll do anything you ask, just, please let me have my StarFan back."

She stood up and stated directly.

**"Very well, my love is infinite, but my patience is not. Just know that you can't live this way forever and you know it. I'll be seeing you around my love."**

Pauline breathed deeply. Her eyelids fluttered. She gasped as her eyes returned to their normal appearance, the wings dissolved again and she began talking in her usual voice.

"Wow, that's, wow! That was a thing."

Star exploded off of the chair and hugged her. "You are back to normal, oh thank you thank you!"

"Um, Star, that was me."

Dread crept up Star's spine as she grimly asked.

"What?"

"That was me, that wasn't some other thing saying that. That was me."

"No, no it can't be. It can't be!"

Star backed away. Pauline didn't need to say anything. Her eyes said everything, though the turbine pattern was gone she still had those terrifyingly conscious eyes. She spoke.

"I'm afraid it is, you might think you are talking to me right now. But this is just my ego you are talking to. The pattern of thoughts and behaviors built up over my life. When you ripped out the last big energy block you allowed me to see things as they are. It's incredible! You are energy, everything around us is just energy condensed into solid forms. I can't even describe how beautiful it all is! I can't hope to describe how beautiful you truly are, there aren't enough words in the English language. Even with all the blocks inside you, God, you are absolutely gorgeous. You have no idea how much I want to fuck you right now! It's going to take me awhile to process all this. Seeing the energy that we are all made of, yet being here, in a body. Surrounded by so many illusions. Still, what I said was completely honest. The ultimatum still stands. Don't worry about it. You have a lot of things to process."

Star backed away in utter terror. Pauline was smiling brightly.

"I couldn't have gotten through it without you. Thank you for setting me free. Please give me the honor of doing the same for you."

Star's hands trembled, the wand was right there on the table by the chair that Pauline was standing next to. She knew that she couldn't let, whatever this thing was inside Pauline touch her again. Noticing that Star was looking at the wand with anger in her eyes Pauline grabbed the wand and the pistol, throwing them into the safe. Snapping the door shut she held up a finger. The finger that could, but would not unlock the safe.

"Now now, remember, you can't go around hurting people just because you are in pain."

Star looked down, the Shockwave was inches from her feet. She scooped it up, racked it and leveled it at Pauline's head. Staring down the barrel of a twelve gauge she laconically stated.

"That's completely out of ammo, remember?"

Two options left, she could dip down, no. That's exactly what this thing would want. One option left.

Star threw the firearm. Pauline grabbed it out of the air before it could hit her. With her ability to read body language and no energetic blocks in her muscles her reaction time was phenomenal. She shouted.

"Star, please don't do this!"

Star's heart rate was through the roof. She could feel her pulse in her teeth. Utter terror shivered through her while anger and fear erupted from inside. _"A spell? a love spell, a camouflage spell? She must be using something like that on me!"_ Memories of some of Eclipsa's minions seducing her men illustrated a possible explanation of what was happening. She ran back to the bathroom and grabbed her clothes. She threw them back on as she ran to the front door. Star was abandoning everything she had left. All she knew was that she had to escape at any cost.

Star ran, she ran until she couldn't run anymore, then she walked. Out of town, away from the highway, into the lava beds. She didn't know what she was running towards, she just knew what she was running away from. She needed a defensive position. She knew that she could hold out in broken terrain like that for as long as she could find food and water.

She found a cave, a quiet place where she could stay for as long as she needed.

She was down there for awhile. She had no idea how long, she didn't have a watch and no longer had a phone. She had nothing but the clothes on her back, $42 in her pocket and her own thoughts.

The sun went down shortly after she entered the cave. Leaving her in perfect black silence. Her mind filled the darkness with her thoughts. Well and truly alone, with nothing but the contents of her own mind.

Her body was boiling, the energies that Pauline had ripped loose were vibrating through her like a tuning fork. She lied down on the floor of the cave. The cool rocks absorbing some of the energy that was erupting from inside her.

With the energy came memories, the traumas that had caused the blocks to form ran wild through her mind. Memories played out before her eyes, one after another after another until she fell asleep. When she did the memories went from being visual hallucinations to fully immersive nightmares. So many screw ups, so many crimes, so many uses of violence, torture. So much pain withstood, so much dished out. So many scratches and corrosions of her sacred honor. Men, monsters, chaos, death, all blurred together into the realm of abstract pain.

Atop the cool rocks of the cave. The pain was like a blanket wrapped around her. Choking and forceful at first, then it became just scratchy. The pain began to spin around her, faster and faster as she acknowledged its reality and accepted it for what it was. She fell asleep again.

When she woke up energy pulsed around her, she was glowing. Throwing a dim light around the cave. She woke to see every kind of threat she could imagine. Monsters, mutinous soldiers, crazed bounty hunters. They were gathered around a cloaked female figure. Whatever it was Star could sense that it was her nemesis. The deepest darkness she had ever seen. She didn't know who it was under that cloak, although she had a few suspects. She knew that she would find out soon enough.

Magical energy exploded from Stars hands which she fashioned into two blades. She attacked the first monster. The blade cut it clean in two, then it dissolved into the ether. Star shouted.

"What the fuck!? Are these real? Can these things hurt me?"

A dodecagator bit down on her legs and swung her around like a rag doll. Apparently these monsters could hurt her. She cut off three of its jaws with the energy blades and began fighting in earnest.

Star fought, she fought with everything she had. Pushing her body up to the breaking point, then well past it. Her skin was shredded, muscles separated from bones, blood flew everywhere. Star funneled magical energy around her body to where it was needed to heal the wounds, to the blades and nowhere else. She fought through the bites of monsters with rusty blades for teeth. She pushed through creatures who could crush a car in their claws. Over and over and over again she killed and over and over again she died. Only to come back stronger.

Right up until she couldn't rebuild herself anymore. They started to overwhelm her, forcing her down. She continued to lash out as hard as she could. Blades, hands, teeth and claws bit into her so hard that she couldn't move anymore. The shadowy figure walked forward. The monsters and men avoided Star's energy blades, which cast the only light in the cave. As the figure drew near it seemed to be absorbing what little light there was. It seemed to be wearing a cloak made of darkness itself. Despite the pain Star's attention did not waver from the approaching figure. She stared at it with an indescribable desire, perfect hatred, she desperately hungered to kill this thing.

The figure reached around its neck, the cloak slid off its head.

"Mom!"

"Hi sweetie."

"No, this, this can't be. It can't be you, it's got to be Eclipsa, or Toffee or Roderick or even fucking Ruberiot! It can't be you! You can't possibly be my nemesis!"

"I'm afraid it is me. Sorry dear."

She snapped her fingers, a Huazed mercenary plunged his spiral bladed dagger into Star's right foot.

Star shrieked in agony and asked.

"What are you? what are you really!? I know you aren't her!"

Moon Butterfly was dressed in her usual regalia. Creasing her dress to maintain modesty she worked her way around the monsters who were restraining her daughter, knelt down and stated, "perhaps I am, perhaps I am not. All that matters is that we are together again dear."

Another gesture, a werewolf bit into Star's left arm.

"Aaaaarkh!!! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Stop it you fucking bitch! Leave me alone, when I get loose I'm going to..."

"You are going to what? Star? You are going to fight me? kill me? Oh yes that has worked out very well for you. The war is over, you lost. Marco has moved on, Mewni has moved on. No one loves you, no one can even tolerate your presence anymore."

Moon nodded again, a Saulindresh began feeding tendrils into Star's left foot.

"Not even that pathetic little girl wants you around anymore. Oh, but that's because you are the pathetic little girl now. Have you really fallen so far that you seek pleasure in the arms of a woman? You know I would have never approved of that."

The Saulindresh drilled deeper, the werewolf bit harder, the mercenary dug further. But somehow Star did not scream. Instead she said.

"Wait, how do you know about that? If you are really her then you couldn't know about that!"

Moon drew a sword. "That doesn't matter, what matters is that it is time for you to die."

"My mother would never talk like that either! Wait, what was it that Pauline said? Any hallucinations you see are just a reflection of what is in your own mind. You are me! You are my shadow self aren't you!?"

The blade rose. Star looked away and stated.

"Nope, I'm not playing this game."

The figure of Moon growled a demand.

"Look at me!"

"Nope, as long as I look away you aren't there. You don't exist, you are just a hallucination."

The blade fell. Star's right arm was severed right at the elbow joint. The pain from the sword slicing through those complex bones, nerves and muscles was somehow worse than the legendary agony of a Saulindresh bite. The figure of Queen Moon dropped the sword, grabbed Star's face and screamed.

"You can't ignore me, I am a part of you! The longer you deny it the more I will be here. You have to fight me, despise me, cut my body into a thousand pieces. But do not ignore me! If you keep doing that then I will become you. I can't keep us alive, I push things too far, we have lost everything and eventually someone will kill us. If I am in charge then both of us will be dead in weeks. I know I was in charge most of the time when we were young but I'm too crazy now. I may be insane but I would like to go on living."

Her hands grew long dark purple lines. Eclipsa's evil began to spread onto Star's face.

"You, you want me to stay alive? My shadow self? my every act of insanity, guilt, rage, horror, greed, disgust. You want me to stay alive?"

"Yes, I live on your energy and I would like to go on living. I am surrendering, I will let you contain me."

Star looked around. The monsters were gone, the pain was subsiding. Losing her arm, the werewolf and Saulindresh bites and the mercenaries dagger had apparently all been an illusion. But she still couldn't move, she stated.

"No, I can't hope to contain you. You are too powerful."

The figure of Moon picked up her blade, sheathed it and spoke.

"Then fight me, beat me to a pulp. I'm giving you what you want. I give you permission to beat me into submission."

Star staggered into a kneeling position.

"No, I can't fight you either. I tried that, it won't work. I can't hold onto you anymore, there is only one thing I can do."

"No."

She rose to her knees and stated solemnly.

"I have to let you go."

"No!"

"I have to see that I can't fight myself anymore."

"No, you can't do this! I won't let you!"

As she made it to her feet Star exhaled and said.

"Yes, I can do this, the only thing stopping me from doing this is me!"

The blade sang through the air. It passed through Star's head, down to her heart, not stopping until it exited between her legs.

It was nothing more than a trick of the mind. As it struck the ground the blade vanished completely.

The figure of Moon stood to her full height. Despite all her physical growth over the years, in her minds eye Star still saw the figure of Moon the Undaunted towering over her, it shouted.

"You can't get rid of me that easily. You can't just say that you let me go. I am not walking out of this cave!"

"No, you aren't, you are a part of me. But I know how to get rid of you."

"Oh, do you now?"

"Yes, I see that you are all the parts of myself that I did not love. The answer is obvious, I have to see what you are and I have to love you."

"No, you can't do that. It would be too much all at once, we would explode!"

"I have exploding a lot lately, and it has everything to do with love."

Star reached out and hugged the figure. It immediately shrank and transformed into Eclipsa, Star still hugged it. It turned into Toffee, still she hugged. Enemies flashed before her, as fast as she could recognize them she forgave them. Until she came to the last one.

Marco. Not 14 year old cute as a button Marco. Not 30 year old adventurer Marco. Suit wearing 24 year old ruler of Mewni who broke her heart, Marco.

Star screamed, "yes you too!"

The figure began to glow an impossibly pure light and dissolve, as it shrank even more it became formless and backed away from Star. Glowing ever brighter as the size reduced. It shrank and shrank until it was the size of a fourteen year old girl.

"StarFan!?"

The figure spoke one last time, in the grown up voice of Pauline Long.

"Are you really sure that you want to do this? I am a part of you and I can't say no. But I wasn't kidding about the both of us exploding."

The figure of StarFan13 extended her arm in a handshake gesture. Star charged across the cave and pulled her into a hug.

The figure exploded.

Star continued to hug as the explosion launched its force in all directions. She held onto as much of it as she could.

Her wings shot out to their full extent, her extra arms came out. She began levitating above the cool stones of the cave. Arms and wings moving to manage the energy emerging from inside Star's body. Blasts of plasma, streaks of laser like light, crackling electricity and surging magnetism slashed away from her. Her flesh couldn't manage, her feet failed first. Flesh burned away, bones erupted into dust, she watched her body detonate. From her toes up to her belly button, to her chest. Her last thought before she fell unconscious was.

_"This is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen in my life. Strange that it doesn't hurt."_

 

* * *

 

_"I'm, I'm in tremendous pain."_

Star woke up, the cave was completely dark. Mouth as dry as a tomb, utterly exhausted, drained, cold. So incredibly cold. The hallucinations, memories and excess energy were gone, she couldn't see a thing. She asked out loud  

"Did, did I really explode? Or was that just a hallucination too?"

She felt herself, she was completely naked. Her clothes were gone, a few scraps and rags that used to be her clothes lay next to her.

"I exploded! And I'm still alive? How is that even possible?"

She looked within, she felt calmer, more reasonable. The memories were all still there, they just didn't hurt anywhere near as much as they used to. She felt around in the darkness for anything to guide her. She felt nothing but rocks and a few wet fragments of fabric and paper.

Memories flooded in, of the time she had interrupted Tom's demoncisim. She regretted most of her dalliances with him, so deeply. But not that one. She had been there for him while he had gone through one of the most brutal magical rituals she had ever seen. It had been a literal nightmare from hell. But after all that, all the fireworks, the monks, the chanting, the nonsense it had only purged one demon from him. 

One amongst thousands  

They had told him that to purge him entirely it would take thirteen more years of those rituals. He had, in her opinion, wisely declined.

Star wasn't half demon, she wasn't of the fiery realms. She knew she had demons, but she never would have imagined that getting rid of them would be an even more horrifying and disgusting process than what Tom had been through.

Then she realized that was the price she was going to have to pay. She could either do things like it had been with the demoncisim. Dragging it out over years, or she could purge them all over a shorter period of time. Though at a much higher cost to her own body and sense of self. Despite all she had just been through she couldn't physically go any further for now. Her body simply couldn't take anymore. She knew that she was incredibly lucky to still all be in one piece.

"Halfway, I'm halfway between everything. I blew myself to bits and I only made it halfway. Its damn lonely down here."

She couldn't think of anything but the cold. She wanted heat. She wanted to be in a warm bed with something, not of this Earth or Mewni. She was so desperate for heat that she began to think about Tom. She prayed, she hadn't prayed in years.

"Tom, come to me, drag me to hell, keep me there. I need to be warm, I need to get away from the wrath of heaven. The angel of gods vengeance. Save me from being good. Drown me in your flames. Crush me with your hatred. Save me from this love before it kills me!"

_"Praying to a demon, a demon I don't even like. This is officially my lowest ebb."_

She could sense a presence, moments later the sound of footsteps broke the silence. It wasn't Tom, it wasn't his cadence of steps. It had to be her, it could only be her. Tom didn't walk into a scene, he would just appear.

Star shouted, "identify yourself!"

A familiar voice spoke.

"It's me, now, why don't you come out of the cave?"

As much as it agonized her to say, as much as it ran completely counter to everything she needed just to stay alive right now Star shouted back.

"No way, fuck off, leave me alone!"

The voice replied.

"When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.  
They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.  
But when we disarmed. They sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,  
and the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "Stick to the Devil you know."

Star felt profoundly powerless as she grabbed for a rock, screaming.

"Pauline, don't you take another fucking step!"

"Okay Star, but you know you can't stay down there forever."

"How did you find me?"

"You thought you could hide from a geologist in a cave? Someone heard you screaming, came down here to investigate. Then ran like hell when he saw what looked like, quote. "Some kind of goddamn exploding rave-torture-porn." I have a friend on the force. When I told him that you ran away and I showed him your picture he knew exactly where you were."

"What was that thing you said about Cambrian measures and copybooks?"

"Come out from there and I'll tell you."

Star began walking out of the cave. With the complete lack of light she stumbled slowly out, towards the direction the voice had come from. A tiny light emerged, Pauline was shining a flashlight into the cave to guide her out.

As Star came out of the cave she felt even worse. Her clothes were gone, exploded all over the walls of the cave. She was filthy, her body was physically intact but in quite a bit of pain and utterly exhausted. Pauline ran up to her and wrapped a thick blanket around her just before she emerged into the light.

Standing behind Pauline was a police officer, with a strangely familiar face. As soon as everyone set eyes on each other the officer stated.

"Listen Pauline, I'm glad this has been resolved but I'm getting a little annoyed with your friend here. She seems like she needs help."

"I'm getting her all the help I can, I will take care of her Roy. I will keep her out of trouble."

"This is the last time alright, I will have to write up a report next time something happens. We can't have anyone running around like this. You know better than I do how dangerous it is to go poking around in caves."

"There won't be a next time, I can take things from here."

"Alright, be seeing you around."

"Say hi to Yuki for me."

"I will. Goodnight Pauline..."

He took one last look at Star, hugged Pauline and with a tone of resignation he finished the sentence.

"And good luck."

As Pauline and the policeman hugged, Star noticed an uneasy look on her face. Then she realized why he looked familiar, she had seen a picture of him, Pauline and an Asian woman on Pauline's bedroom wall opposite the painting. Star dimly realized that his face had to be one of the first things that she had seen in the morning for quite some time.

As officer Roy drove away, Pauline asked.

"Are you okay?"

Star snapped.

"I'm really fucking far from okay."

"Alright, let me phrase it another way. Are you going to run again?"

"No, I'm too tired and cold."

Her eyes still sensitive from her time in the cave; Star drank in the spectacular night sky, she asked.

"How long was I in that cave?"

"Thirty two hours, it's ten thirty PM."

"So what was that you said to wake me up?"

"Part of a poem by Rudyard Kipling. Thought I would take a moment to show off that fancy college education I was granted. As weird as it may have sounded I did it to remind you that I am still me."

"Yeah, it sounded like one of your fancy little quotes. What was that about sticking to the devil you know?"

Pauline gestured towards her car. As they got inside she turned on the heater, clapped Star on the shoulder and announced sincerely.

"It meant stick to the devil you know, the devil you love, me."

Star blinked, there was no way, no fucking way that Pauline could possibly know that she had been thinking about Tom at that moment. It had to be some kind of coincidence, even if Pauline was a telepath she wouldn't have possibly have been so stupid and cruel to talk about devils one knew right then and there. Star shook her head and replied.

"If you are trying to sound comforting then you are failing miserably."

Pauline chuckled, started the car and replied, "yeah perhaps that wasn't the best metaphor. But of the two of us, which of us has actually dated an actual denizen of the underworld? Wait, what am I saying denizen, I think his proper title was demon prince?"

Star started breathing heavily. She just wanted to punch Pauline in the face right now but she didn't have the energy. All she could say was.

"Do you have to bring him up right now of all times!?"

"Now you know how I felt when you brought up those damned brownies. But remember that's all it is, a memory. We should not allow things like that to define what we do and who we are."

After having spent the past day and a half being, quite literally, tortured by memories; Star was in no mood to hear this, she snapped.

"Fuck Pauline, can you turn down the perspective for awhile and just drive us home!"

She smiled and replied.

"Your wish is my command."

They drove in silence the rest of the way home, as they pulled into the driveway Star finally began to calm down, asking.

"Have you been looking for me all this time?"

"Not really, I asked Roy to keep an eye out for you. But I have been working on my own issues while you were gone."

"You didn't look for me?"

"Star, you are dimension transcending sorceress. I figured that if you didn't want to be found then I wasn't going to find you."

"Point taken, what do you mean by your own issues?"

As they pulled into the garage Pauline was silent. As the garage door mechanism clattered to a halt she pointed to an oil bottle on a shelf.

The bottle began to levitate. Not very high, only about an inch above the shelf. As it clattered back to the shelf Pauline gasped in exhaustion. "It started not long after you ran off. I'm developing powers. No, that isn't the right word, it's more like I'm discovering powers, it's overwhelming. Im seeing visions of things that I don't think I can handle. I really need to talk to someone about it all before my brain catches fire."

"Ha ha very funny. Where's the wand?"

"It's still in the safe."

"Damn, well, I don't know what to say. Using magic without the wand, my mother could do that better than I could. If she was still around we could ask her but I can't think of anyone we could ask."

"So, I am going to be stumbling around in the dark with this?"

"Pauline, you know I was a shitty student, I don't think I would make a good teacher."

"Okay, fine. I suppose I can work on this myself. Something tells me this is one of those cases where understanding comes from within anyway. I left dinner on the table when Roy called. It's just a delivery pizza, gotta be cold by now, you can warm it up if you like. I'm really tired, I'm going to bed."

As Pauline got out of the car Star blurted out.

"I'm going to sleep in the guest bedroom tonight!"

"Okay, why?"

"Because I can't stand to be around you right now. You are like a fucking spotlight! It's like you are cutting through me and I can't stand it! You are, you're just overwhelming to be around."

"I am? Huh, okay if you insist. Just don't go running around town until tomorrow, okay. There might still be an all points bulletin out on you."

Star nodded, she waited in the car until Pauline went inside. Utterly overwhelmed by the past two days events. She wanted warmth, the warmth of Pauline's body more than anything. She wanted to hold her, to taste her. Now that she was warm and comfortable she no longer considered Pauline a manifestation of gods wrath. But Star was still too scared of the whole consciousness of the universe thing to spend one more second around her than she had to. Much as she wanted to dive into Pauline's warm arms and bed that desire was trumped by her instinct to run. But she simply didn't have enough strength left in her to do so. Whatever was going on with Pauline seemed to be snowballing well past any point of recognition. Monsters were one thing, magic was another. This was just bizarre. Living the life she had Star had collected a few regrets, but using 5meo was fast becoming one of the biggest ones of her life.

 _"Stuck permanently in a state of dipping down?"_ Star shivered at the thought. She simply would be her anymore if she did that.

Star discarded the blanket as she limped to the guest bathroom. The heat of a long bath made a half decent substitute to the body heat she craved. She had layers of filth all over her, her hair needed serious maintenance. She was seriously considering getting a much shorter haircut. She knew that she would have to if she didn't get the wand back. Long hair had always been one of the things that she identified herself by. But damn it was hard to have long hair when you can't just magic away split ends, grease and frizz.

She wrapped herself up on one of Pauline's robes and heaped blankets on the guest bed. Once she was as physically comfortable as she could make herself she felt the need for sleep begin to overwhelm her. But before she checked out she turned on Pauline's spare laptop and typed in 'the gods of the copybook headings.'

After reading the poem she sensed an undeniable power in the words, but she only understood half of it. She researched further, learning the meaning of the words she didn't understand. Reading several different analysis of the poem by various experts. After that she understood the meaning of the words, but didn't quite comprehend it in full. She snapped the computer shut in exasperation and fell asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I changed this chapter a little after watching the episode, Demoncisim. But not nearly as much as some might think I would have. Another in a bizarrely long list of echoes that season 3 has had with something I intended as a rather serious derailing of canon. Evidently the writers of SvFoE disagreed. 
> 
> Happy first day of meteorologic winter everyone.


	13. Not Perfect.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was chapter 12 a little heavy? Well sorry this one gets even heavier as we skim over the surface of what our co-protagonists have been doing over the past 10 years.

On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life  
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)  
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,  
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."

 

The next day, as per usual Star woke up long after Pauline. After over a decade of adventures, politics and the monster campaign Star had been running on minimal sleep for far too long. Ever since she had moved in with Pauline she was sleeping an average of twelve hours a night. Her circadian rhythms desperately trying to catch up on lost sleep.

All this extra sleep annoyed her. It made her feel weak. But it didn't annoy her enough to try to fight it. And after whatever the fuck had happened in the cave both her conscious and subconscious minds had reveled in the comfort and rest that Pauline's guest bedroom had provided.

Star shambled out of the bedroom to see that Pauline had made a big breakfast for the two of them. Pauline was moving differently. She was gliding around the house like she was made of air. As she went through her morning rituals; wearing nothing but a threadbare pair of short shorts and a bra. The sheer rudeness of her near nudity pushed Star to ever greater heights of rage. In the back of her head she knew that this was Pauline's house, that she was a guest. And this was nothing she hadn't seen before. Yet to Star this was a flagrant display of Pauline's comfort with herself, making a dramatic contrast with her utter discomfort with herself and the situation at hand.

Even the way she moved pissed Star off. It all seemed so unfair that Pauline was not just mastering magical abilities that Star had spent her whole life trying, and often failing to get a handle on. That she was also moving in such a ridiculously effortless fashion was just twisting the knife.

It was reminding her entirely too much of Perfect Blue. The contrast created between the way the shadow version of Mima and the "real" one were drawn in motion. Impossible lightness and joyous madness contrasted with corporeal reality and depression.

As they sat down to eat, Star didn't ask what was happening today, she didn't care. In spite of her epic and unprecedented energetic purging she was still sitting atop a mound of rage and resentment to the person across the table from her. To everything in the multiverse really, but the grown up human being claiming to be StarFan13 was just the most convenient target. The rest of Star's emotions were coming undone, bonds and restrictions completely unlocked. Pauline just allowed the moment to sit in silence as she chewed on some French toast and tapped away on a tablet computer. She could read Star well enough to see that nothing was to be gained from upsetting thing more than they already were.

Star stole a glimpse at Pauline's eyes. Still indescribably conscious, still impossibly intense. " _Fucking vampire eyes, trying to glamour me, trying to seduce me,"_ she thought. Another glimpse, " _no, not like a vampire. If anything a reverse vampire._ " She was giving her energy. Star chuckled at the thought while these vampire conspiracies dissolved.

"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why I am so mad at you. I don't want to be mad at you anymore. I don't want to run away, I can't even begin to describe how attracted to you I am right now. I just want to stare into your eyes."

Pauline smiled and replied.

"I think you were mad because you have been in a state of rage for so long that it has become your default mode. You need to relax, and try to live a life that isn't a million distractions all at once."

Star began to relax. She tilted her head, resting it on her left hand, allowing her left arm to land on the table, still smiling she replied.

"That high powered perception again."

"Yes, about that, Star, I know you are in a weird place right now but I have to ask. When we were messing around just before you ran away I felt a deep anger inside you. I really can't describe it but I saw a vision of a redheaded woman. It felt like you hate her more than anything in the universe, and she had something to do with Marco."

The smile vanished as Star replied in a neutral tone, "what do you mean? I already told you we drifted apart while I was gone. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Now you see I don't really believe that. For one thing there is no way you spent years apart if you really loved each other. You would have made time for each other. You had to have gone back to Mewni from time to time for rest and recuperation, or provisions at the least. You are absurdly tough, but you aren't made of iron."

Star's tone went from neutral to confusion.

"How, what? How do you know about this?"

"Forgot to tell you, one of the side effects of 5meo and other really powerful hallucinogens is the ability to read body language really really well. So well that some people think that they induce telepathy. They don't, but I'm like a human lie detector right now. I have been completely open with you but I can see you are still hiding things from me."

Star shook her head and groaned in rage.

"Shit, alright! Dammit. You never met Hekapoo right?"

"I think I would remember anyone with a name that weird. Is she the redheaded chick?"

"Yes, you would have remember her, she is a member of the Magical High Comission, the forger of dimensional scissors. She was one of three MHC members who survived Toffee's attack. And the only one who survived Eclipsa unscathed. After Eclipsa released the monsters, Hekapoo stayed behind in Mewni. She was the last line of defense. Hekapoo has some unique abilities, including the ability to create copies of herself. The copies aren't as powerful and durable as the original, but they are all able to communicate with the original. When we left Mewni to go after the monsters she sent a copy with me. If anything happened in Mewni she could tell the copy and I would go running back. Communication with a minimal risk of magical screwups."

"The army did rotate back to Mewni every now and then to rest and reequip. It was never as long as it should have been though. The army was usually resupplied by pillaging whatever we needed. I'm... Not very proud of that. Wounded men were sent back to Mewni but we were all together until the job was done. In hindsight that wasn't a very smart way of doing things. But you know me, I never do anything by half measures. After all the trouble Eclipsa caused I was determined to end this as fast as possible, no matter the cost."

"Still, I did make time for Marco as you said. Just not anywhere near enough of it. We were both so busy, him with reforming Mewni and me with the escaped monsters that we would be lucky to get two days every six months that our schedules would line up. I admit that I didn't love him as much as he deserved."

"I had forgotten that Marco and Hekapoo had a history together. A couple months before I left Echo Creek Marco was fucking around with a set of dimensional scissors that I thought belonged to Ponyhead. Turns out she had stolen them from Hekapoo, since Marco was caught with them he got the blame. Hekapoo kept him in her home dimension for sixteen years, testing him, seeing if he was worthy of his own pair of dimensional scissors. While he was there they developed a... connection. After I brought him back from her little test I thought he had put it all behind him. During the rebuilding of Mewni, Hekapoo rekindled that connection."

"Yes I left something out, but all the rest of it is true. When I got back to Mewni I found out about Marco and Hekapoo. I told him that it was either her or me. He chose her. That was the final straw, not the... biological issue."

"The thing that really pisses me off? I should have seen it coming, I never should have spent so much time away from Marco. I should have known that something was happening between them. When I rescued Marco from her dimension they were staring at each other like they were just about to fuck each other's brains out! Perhaps this is just some kind of ironic payback for my destroying his relationship with Jackie. Marco chased after her for years and right when he was sealing the deal I swoop in and tell him I love him. All the while he..."

Star stopped talking, she touched her face and observed.

"This is weird, I'm not crying. I should be crying, I should be screaming, I should be trying to kill you for bringing this up. But I'm not being overwhelmed by emotion like I normally am whenever I think about this."

What Star didn't understand was that when Pauline had ripped free the energetic block that had informed her of the Markapoo situation it had eliminated the excess energy that made Star overly emotional about the whole thing. Allowing her to analyze the whole thing with a much calmer mindset. Pauline knew this was what was happening but she couldn't explain what was happening to Star right now. She was just too confused by what she was hearing. She asked.

"Um, yeah, that's all pretty... complicated, but wait, hang on, Hekapoo kept Marco prisoner for sixteen years! How is that possible, you have only known him for ten."

"Time passes differently in Hekapoo's dimension. Roughly two years passes there for every minute here. You should have seen him after sixteen years in that hellhole! Perfect abs, tattoos, he looked like a biker demigod. Looked like? he was a demigod! He had a dragon-cycle, sword, the whole badass adventurer package! As soon as we got back to Earth he snapped back into his fourteen year old body. After a couple of days he was back to normal, after a week... I figured that he had forgotten about his time with Hekapoo, I guess I was wrong."

Pauline was pensively rubbing the bridge of her nose trying to get a handle on all this.

"So let me get this straight, this Hekapoo tortured him for sixteen years, then while you were out hunting monsters, she seduced him?"

"No she didn't torture him, she tested him, she left a portal open that he could have used at any time to go back to Earth. But he was so determined to get a new pair of scissors that he..."

A realization hit Star.

"He spent sixteen years away from me, his family, his friends, his home, Jackie. He spent sixteen years playing Hekapoo's game. When I told him that it had only been eight minutes on Earth, he was pissed. It was never about the scissors, it was about her. It was always about her, he was willing to go through literal hell just to be with her."

Star started chuckling, then laughing insanely. "And why wouldn't he? Hekapoo is gorgeous, in a demonic sort of way. She has a great sense of humor, oh, and did I mention she can copy herself? What guy doesn't want to ask the question, 'is it technically a threesome if one of them is a clone?' She has been around since the dawn of the multiverse. She probably has more experience pleasing men than any other woman in existence..."

Star hung her head and finished.

"I should have finished the job when I caught them."

Pauline swallowed hard at the familiar term, asking.

"Finished the job?"

"I caught them together! of all the ways that I could have found out I found out like that! I had just come back to Mewni after a really bad fight. When I saw them I lost it. I was just about to kill her when Marco threw himself on top of her. I was halfway into the singularity spell when Marco started talking to me like you were when I went nuts in the Congo."

Pauline replied "This is all really weird, and I can't claim that I understand all of it. But I think that freaking out like that is a pretty typical reaction when you find someone you love in bed with someone else."

Star smiled, "it's all just emotional baggage. A decade of monster war will do that to you. I'm not fourteen years old anymore, I don't have any of your insufferable lightness. It must be nice to be able to go through your life without any issues. To be able to master magic without any effort whatsoever."

Pauline started laughing, the tone of the laughter became more insane with every moment that passed. Star asked.

"Why are you laughing?"

She continued to laugh.

"Seriously, you are creeping me out.

She continued to laugh.

"Stop it StarFan, stop it right now!"

The volume of her laugh reached mad scientist watching a volcanic eruption levels of intensity.

"Pauline, your name is Pauline Long, I'm sorry I called you StarFan again. Please stop laughing!"

The laughter stopped immediately. Pauline replied.

"There, now was that so hard?"

She breathed deeply and began.

"Insufferable lightness!? No effort whatsoever!? You think that you are the only one here having issues? I'm not enlightened, I'm not some cosmic being who can remake the world around me as I see fit! I'm just a human with a link to something I don't understand. I had a pair of wings grow out of my back! That's not normal for humans! The fact that I can do magic now, if I can do it any better than you. It's only because you have far more internal energy blocks than I do. I'm scared Star, I'm scared of what this might be leading to."

Pauline's voice changed from a tone of rage to being deeply insecure as she finished.

"My body is stronger than ever, my mind is... I can think faster than ever nowadays. But what makes me, me is going away. I can feel it burning away. I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing. Once this process is done I don't know what I will be at the end and that is scaring the shit out of me! I would really like to talk to someone who has some idea what I am going through."

Star looked up, a creepy smile began to form on her face as she asked, "all this is bothering you too? I thought you were God now, or the consciousness of the universe or something like that?"

"I may be conscious of what I am, but I'm still just a human being in a body. If there is a physical god in this room it's you. I may be able to manipulate energy and levitate small objects, but you must be delusional if you think I have anywhere near your magical skill."

"Does this mean I can have my wand back?"

"It was never mine, I just took it away from you because I thought you were going to use it on me. Was I wrong?"

Dodging the question, trying to look as intimidating as possible Star stood up and walked around the table. Staring down Pauline with everything she had Star growled.

"You aren't going to take it from me."

"I don't want to take it from you."

"Better warriors than you have tried to take it from me and they are all dead."

"I don't need it."

Star pushed her away from the table and straddled her. She rested her arms around Pauline's shoulders and looked right into her eyes. Those absurdly conscious eyes. Star was still scared of those eyes but she felt that this was no time to show fear. She pushed her hand through Pauline's short, dark hair. Physical contact drove Star's libido up to full power. Giving her a boost of confidence to ask.

"What are you? Who are you really? You can't be real, you are too fucking perfect Miss Long. Who are you and what did you do with my flawed, desperate little StarFan? No one shoots men, even evil men without hesitation or learns how to do magic as well and as quickly as you."

Pauline grit her teeth as she attempted to rationalize the situation.

"You did, you told me that you ignored nearly all magic lessons you were given and did your own thing. You are just upset because you thought you were special. Well, you are and you aren't. We are all unique but from what I have seen magic is just something you need to approach with the right mindset. I'm just better at going into a non-dualistic state of consciousness than you are. There are some people who are even better at it than I am. Give one of them the wand and they could probably create an entire universe..."

In a completely uncertain tone she whimpered.

"I am not perfect and you know it! I am still your StarFan!"

Staring at Pauline's face at a range of centimeters Star noticed that she was unsure in her words. Tears were flowing, " _got her."_ Finally the shoe was on the other foot. Pauline was uncomfortable about something.

"No, you aren't perfect are you? You lied about that car crash."

It was subtle, a barely noticeable but deep anxiety. Star recognized the expression, a look of anxiousness that she had seen on this face before. Last night, talking to that cop. Star pressed further.

"That cop who told you where I was, what does he have to do with the crash?"

Pauline's eyes opened fully.

"How could you possibly know about that!?"

"How did you say it? On 5meo you are a human lie detector, well sitting this close to you I can pick up a few things too. You aren't afraid of death, but you are afraid of him. So, tell me what happened, don't lie. If you do I will make you regret it."

Star's hand drifted down Paulines neck, gently tracing her fingernails on the skin above her jugular vein in an implicit threat. She was tired of feeling dominated, it was her turn in the drivers seat, she murmured. "I can see that you want to tell me, go on. Its not like you haven't already illustrated that you trust me."

Star kissed her softly on the lips, a little love to balance out the threat, and whispered. "You have been going on about my issues, my shadow. How about you try it? Show me your darkness, every nasty little thing. Every lie, every contradiction, everything you are ashamed of. Every single act of rage. I want to see all of who you are in all it's insane glory!"

Pauline swallowed, she felt vulnerable in a way she had never been before. No one she had ever known had ever loved her this much or hated her this deeply to do anything remotely like this. Taking a deep breath she began.

"My freshman year at college... I, I had a boyfriend, Kevin Lew. He had a twin brother, Roy, you met him last night. Kevin and Roy were close, as twins usually are, but they had one major difference, Kevin was a sex addict. He was insatiable, every day he wanted to try something weirder. I went along with it because I wanted to see what my own limits were."

"Whatever there is or might be in my subconscious was nothing compared to what he lived every day. He had a darkness in him that I couldn't hope to help, no matter what I tried, and oh lord how I did try. I won't tell you about what we did, we don't have time. I'm ashamed of it, and I think it would scare you. If I told you the details of just one of our nights together, well, I don't think you would respect me anymore."

"Kevin kept escalating and escalating, then one day he said, 'I really love you, how about we do something you want to do tonight. I feel so greedy having all this fun.' I should have just said that we should stay on the couch and cuddle while watching a lousy movie. But for some reason I blurted out, 'let's have a three way."

"I don't know why I said that, I think I wanted to see if I could shock him for once. Perhaps it was because that was the first time he said I love you and I wanted to reward his... Alleged love. I regretted saying it immediately, he went for it with gusto. He even said that we should try it twice, once with a guy, once with a girl. He started asking around for anyone interested, it didn't take long. He found a girl who wanted to join us and, well, away we went."

"I confirmed something about myself that night that I had suspected for awhile. That I liked girls more than boys. Even though I had never met this girl before... I enjoyed her, I really really enjoyed her much more than any guy I had ever slept with. I tried to hide it, but it's kinda impossible to hide sexual desire while one is making love. Kevin didn't take it very well, we drifted apart. He joined a fraternity, I tried to focus on my studies, occasionally he would come around for a booty call, but he eased back on the kinky shit."

"Then one evening he called me. He sounded odd, really monotone. What was really weird was that he said he wanted to hang out and was bringing a friend, he never did that. Whenever we hung out together he usually insisted that we be alone. He often said that he wanted me all to himself. Looking back on it I see that the reason why I stayed with him as long as I did was..."

Pauline took a deep breath and looked as deeply into Stars eyes as she could. Caressing her face, Pauline kissed her. She had to remind herself that this was really happening and was not some insanely detailed hallucination brought on by an overheated imagination. That this really was Star Butterfly sitting on her lap. A single tear ran from each of her eyes.

"Because I wanted to have someone who obsessed over me the way I obsessed over you."

Taking a moment to focus she continued the story.

"Kevin shows up with one of his frat brothers. He tells me that since we "agreed" to do a three way twice. Now it was time to try it with another guy."

Pauline began to tremble. She thrust her arms around Star's midsection, holding on for dear life. As her breathing evened out, she continued.

"They picked me up at my place, Kevin had rented a seedy hotel room where we could be as loud as we liked. Kevin was driving, I was in the passengers seat, he was a little drunk. On the way there he was talking about how this was going to be so much fun."

Her voice shifted to a slightly different, deeper tone. With a slight North Carolina twang.

"Just you wait Pauline, this guy is awesome, he has traveled the world. He knows all sorts of things, he might be smarter than you. I can't wait to fuck you both."

"The other guy started freaking out, he asked, "what do you mean do us both? Don't you mean we do her at the same time?"

"Kevin blurted out. "No, I mean do you both! Should have told you this earlier but Pauline and me had another threesome a few weeks ago, with a girl. You know what I, sorry, we found out? Pauline is a lesbian, she had way more fun with that girl than she ever had with me. Well, now it's my turn, time to find out if I'm gay too."

"I told him that I felt uncomfortable, that I wanted to go back to my dorm, he shouted. "Ah what do you saying, uncomfortable? After all that freaky shit we have done together, this is what makes you uncomfortable? Isn't it the in thing nowadays to want to screw someone of your own gender? I'm looking forward to it, if I really am gay..."

Pauline stopped for a moment, hugging even tighter.

"That means I can dump you with a clear conscience, babe." Then he kissed me"

"I lost my mind Star, after all that, he thought he could pump me, no double pump me and dump me!? I grabbed the wheel and smashed us into a tree. The airbag cushioned my impact, I was fine. The other guy jumped out of the car and ran into the night. Kevin was impaled on a branch. Before he died he had just enough time to say one last word."

"Why?"

"In that moment I didn't have an answer. I suppose, with the passage of time all I could say is that it was because in that moment I hated him. I hated the way he made me feel. But that's not a very good excuse is it? The simple fact is that I killed him, I killed him for purely arbitrary reasons. I don't know, perhaps I thought the crash would just fuck him up and that would be the end of our relationship. When the police came, I was in such a daze that I didn't tell them anything about what happened until days later. After the other guy visited me he told me that there would be a big paycheck if I kept my mouth shut about him being there. I told him that I was never going to talk about this, that I would be as humiliated as he was. To which he said."

"I don't think so, he was talking about fucking me. I'm not gay and my family would disown me if this came out. I can't afford to have any of this known to anyone on this planet." Suppose I'm telling you about this now because you ain't from round here."

Pauline chuckled quietly and concluded the story.

"After the accident Roy started keeping track of me. He was ashamed and mortified at his brothers behavior. As if the drunk driving wasn't bad enough, he found out about the kinky stuff in an unexpected way. One day he was eating lunch and the girl Kevin and I had slept with sat next to him and immediately started talking about the experience. His mouth was full so he couldn't say anything. Once she said her piece he just said."

"I think you have mistaken me for my brother."

"The really messed up thing? After that fucked up introduction they started dating. They got married two years ago. After Yuki told him about his brothers... tastes, he kept a pretty close eye on me. He was a huge help getting through college. He was like the brother I never had. He and Yuki helped me get through my sexual issues. Since they already knew about the threesome I felt I could be more honest with them than I could with any other friends. Or certainly with anyone in my family. I felt like they were completely honest with me, but I, I can't be completely honest with them."

"Roy was hurt by his brothers death. But I think he was more hurt finding out that he knew nothing about Kevin's... predilections. Roy had been on track to join the FBI. He dropped out of college and now, well, you know where he is working. Being a cop is a really crappy job. He talks about getting back on the FBI track. But it's looking less and less likely. Yuki is pregnant, they can't afford to go leaping off the cliff like that."

"I want to help him, I want to tell him the truth so bad. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it Star. If I told him, perhaps I could give him a cut of my hush money. He is a good man, he has none of his brothers darkness and Yuki is just wonderful. I know they really care for me too. I'm ninety percent sure that the reason why they live in Bend is to stay close to me. The whole situation is fucked. I feel like I'm haunting their lives. A manacle around their legs, preventing them from living to their full potential."

"So there you have it Star, I may not have torn through the multiverse, killed my own great great great grandmother. Or almost killed my lover when I caught him in the arms of another woman. But I have blood on my hands too. There's a saying amongst gun people regarding killing. 'The first ones expensive, after that they are all free.' That's why I didn't hesitate in the Congo. I may not consider myself a killer, but I have done it and I will do it again if I have to. Doesn't mean I like it though."

Pauline sighed and asked. 

"I told you that I wasn't perfect, do you believe me now?"

Pauline would have cried. But every tear built up by these memories had already been expended after her first 5meo trip. The words still upset her, but she recited them without weakness.

Star was speechless, a state she was profoundly unfamiliar with. She just quietly whispered the word "yes." In such a state of emotional whiplash that all she could do was sit on Pauline in silence. She had completely forgotten the rage and confusion that had almost defined her very existence a few minutes ago. She stood up somberly and went back to her chair.

Pauline let her be.

Once breakfast was finished Pauline concluded that things had gotten way too serious. In a breezy tone she clapped her hands and announced.

"Okay, it feels like we have been spending a little too much time together lately. I have a job in Idaho, I'm going to be gone for at least three days. Can you hold down the fort until I come back?"

Star just nodded silently.

"Since Idaho isn't that far I'll just take the Porsche. I fixed the flat tire on my bicycle yesterday so you can ride that around if you need anything. I really don't want to have to talk to Roy for a little while so no magic or at least keep the magic on the down low for a little while, okay, please? I'll get the wand and scissors out of the safe for you right now."

Pauline stood up and walked towards her bedroom. Before she could take three steps Star leapt from her chair and ran to her. Pulling her into a hug. A very tight hug, a hug so strong that Pauline was having trouble breathing.

Star whispered in her ear.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for acting like this. Whatever is going on here we will get through it together. Please forgive me."

Star released her, Pauline touched her chin, smiled at her and replied. "Hey, there is nothing to forgive. I told you that I wanted to help you get through your issues. It seems that we both have some things to get through. Just remember one thing Star."

"What?"

"That you are my best friend, and I will do everything that I can for you as long as I am alive."

Star broke down crying again. It took awhile until Pauline was on the road to Idaho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gender confusion is a delicate subject and I have really tried to handle it as rationally and as carefully as possible here. But I just couldn't resist the opportunity to create a real bundle of insanity for my version of StarFan13's backstory.


	14. The persistence of fantasy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reasoning ones way through a swirling mass of nonsense is always a challenge. Is StarFan13 up to it? Perhaps the solution is for her to find her own voice. But when is that ever a simple thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title, "the (perhaps somewhat) un-intentioned grown up Loli.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.  
Anais Nin

 

The further Pauline got away from Star the more she dreamt of her. She was paranoid that their relationship was about to implode and wanted to make a full record of every moment they spent together. Engraved on her mind for as long as possible. When she got to Idaho, Pauline was welcomed back into her usual community of roughnecks and other geologists. This was enough to get her mind off of Star for awhile, it was good for her. She could feel herself getting more obsessional agains and she really needed a reminder that wasn't the kind of person she was anymore. She met the first of her old friends in a tacky chain restaurant outside Boise.

"Josh! Good to see you, my dear older brother I never had."

"Paul, it's.... Nice to see you too? Oh third younger sister I never wanted."

Pauline punched him in the elbow, hard.

"Whoa, Jesus, you been hitting the bag more than usual Paul?"

"No, but someone else did. And don't call me that."

"You are going to have to explain that. Ouch, sheesh, hope you haven't sprained this thing."

"Aw man up, so how is my third favorite geologist in the western US?"

"Doing well, been getting some interesting investment tips that seem to be paying off big time. How about you?"

"It's complicated."

"Ooooh, that sounds interesting. Has some fine young piece of filly finally measured up to the hopelessly high standards of Pauline Long? Or did the legendary Star Butterfly finally come back from wherever the hell they send kids when they get too old to believe in imaginary friends?"

Pauline slapped a picture on the table. A picture she had snapped near a certain lake. Josh's eyes went wide as he harshly whispered. "By the wrath of St Alfabusa! She is real?!"

"Why are you so shocked. I have shown you pics of her before."

"I always thought she was some neighbor girl you dressed up. Speaking of which, it's kinda dark in here, I didn't notice. What's with the lightning bolts on your face?"

"That's Star, I, I kinda got sucked into her wand."

"You got sucked into a magic wand. And came out with those?"

"And much much more. I got wings now, well, sorta. They are only there when I need them."

"Okay, how about we start at the beginning Hoss?"

"I was visiting with the folks, when I see someone in full armor walking through the parking lot of the Old Echo creek mall. I get a look at her face and its Star Butterfly. I have to reintroduce myself, she has forgotten my face. Then she tells me that all kind of shit happened to her and she is, well, homeless. I offer her a place to sleep, she starts sleeping with me. We have a little fun together, then wham! I'm a wizard now."

"That, sounds, good?"

"Like I said it's complicated. Star is so much fun, but she has some baggage. She has serious PTSD, she spent the past ten years in combat. But that's not the worst of it, oh no no. She has energy built up in her system. I don't just mean strength or sexual desire. Although those are certainly there too. She has become some kind of grand violation of the laws of thermodynamics, quantum theory, and general relativity so big that she can unwind all of reality. That's what I have been doing this past week, unwinding that... Thing inside her before she disintegrates the world, again."

"That, that sounds. Well I don't know how that sounds Pauline."

"You know what hurts most? She still calls me StarFan13. She still sees me as that, little crazy kid. You know how hard I worked to put that behind me."

"Hey now, kids go a little crazy sometimes. It's part of their charm, I'm told."

"Not that crazy, I was evil Josh, evvvvil. I was, I was totally obsessed. And I'm still obsessed, all I can think of right now is her soft sensuous..."

"Oh get that look off your face and grow up!"

"You are one to talk, sounds like you get to relive your high school days with the most popular kid in school. And don'tcha know girl on girl is hot?"

"Did you miss the part where I said, the whole world might go bye bye because of her?"

"But it's worth it isn't it? Even with the risks?"

"Risks like her going away I could handle. This is a universe we are talking about. I'm not a whole universe."

"Perhaps not, but if it was just you taking the risk, would it still be worth it?"

"Oh hell yes."

There now, let's just sit back, relax and talk this out."

Pauline teared up a little as she sat down at the restaurant table. Josh asked further. "Now, what's this about the world falling apart?"

"It's insane, somehow Star is at the center of this swirling vortex of magic that can deconstruct reality. Oh, and I left off the best part. I have been charged by the universe itself to fix this. When the universe speaks it's apparently in the voice of a big booming voiced robot."

"Wow, that is truly bizarre."

"You don't believe me?"

"More that I don't understand then I don't believe. Pauline, you have never given me a reason not to trust you. It's just, most of what you are talking about is impossible according to the laws of nature as we, know..."

Pauline sighed and picked up a coaster. She looked around to check that no one was watching and levitated it. Josh looked it over, ran his hands around it and started chuckling in disbelief.

"If you want more proof we are going to have to go someplace private. I ain't showing my wings here."

"No no I believe you its just, wow. You are like, magical now? Godlike powers and all that fun!?"

"Not godlike, powerful yes, but I am no god. Even though the universe seems to think I am. I can't, I just can't make this decision, I can't sacrifice my lover for the world or vice versa."

"Pauline, you are one of the most ethical people I know. In this I have to say, let your morality be your guide. That's what I live by, and I know I don't want to become one of those moral relativist types that can justify mass murder. The justification of mass murder begins with the justification of a single murder. Justification of a single murder only requires the circumstances to bring it about. But it's all downhill from there. It sounds like is this person is giving you way too many reasons to think about killing. So it sounds like you two might be better off without each other."

"That's the problem, I'm not sure I can live without her, or she without me."

"Bull, you were fine before she came back."

"I'm not sure if I was. I feel so much more complete now."

As their drinks arrived josh took a big swig of beer and observed. "Well, so far this sounds like you have somehow managed to get involved in a more toxic relationship than the legendary Kevin incident. You just might have the worst luck in finding love that I have ever seen and most of my friends are bitterly divorced."

Pauline took a polite sip of her soda and replied, in a totally honest tone. "It sure does seem that way."

Over the course of hours they reasoned things out as well as they could. Josh ultimately concluded that Pauline was better off without Star if Star was really that dangerous. But he wanted to forestall judgement on the grounds that he had never met Star.

In any case having an alternate opinion sure did help calm her down. That night she got the best nights sleep she had had in a week.

 

She was running. It looked like another part of Bend at first. Then she noticed the Eiffel Tower off in the distance. Looking around she counted three other landmarks that weren't supposed to be there. Then she felt the weight of her pistol on her hip and she knew something was up. She kept on running though. Finally she stopped and asked.

"Why am I running?"

She heard the sound of footfalls behind. She concluded, "ah, it's a race."

She started running again, the footfalls were drawing closer. She sped up. Pauline wasn't scared, she was enjoying the evasion.

The footfalls came alongside. It was the unicorn from inside the wand. Pauline looked over and asked.

"Ah, you again, good to see you. So, what are we doing today?"

" **You tore many memories out of Star. I am here to help you process them."**

"Tore? Does that mean she doesn't have the memories anymore?"

**"No, you simply removed the energy that drove the memories. The memories were copied to you. She still has them, but now so do you."**

"Okay, so how does this work?"

" **You will have to digest the memories, the emotions, the energy that Star refused to deal with. Right up until Star stopped dipping down. She still guards those memories. You need to release that bond. Until you do she will never be able to fully purge herself of what is holding her back."**

"I'm not sure if I should."

**"Why not?"**

"Because it's traumatic for Star. She said that she exploded when I did it last time."

**"You love her don't you?"**

"More than you can imagine."

**"Then you need to be able to release those blocks. If you don't then she is going to get worse. What you are doing is like surgery."**

"How am I even able to do these things?"

The unicorn stopped running and pointed. There was a river flowing across the road now. The unicorn asked.

 **"How do you control a river?** "

Pauline looked at it and stated. "I don't, I suppose I could dam it for a little while. But something this big would break free of any dam that little old me could make pretty fast."

The unicorn stepped into the water and started playing around. Little waterspouts started to form around its hooves. The river started to change directions. The unicorn gestured an invitation. Pauline stepped into the water. It was moving fast, powerful. She knew that she had made a mistake.

She fell into the water and felt herself being washed away. It was raw power, she knew that she couldn't fight it. In that realization she became one with the river. Just another drop of water amongst a deluge.

She stayed like that for what felt like days. Completely helpless, just another part of a river flowing to the sea. A thought occurred, she moved her fingers. She could feel that she could affect the flow of the water. Just a little bit at first. That just meant that she had to practice. She started pushing, seeing where she could splash the main body of the river. In time she began to feel like she was controlling more and more of the river.

It seemed like it was taking forever. But she felt herself becoming stronger, bigger, more connected to everything. With every exertion she got slightly more powerful, slightly more massive. She reached out to the rest of the water.

Pauline had become the river.

She willed herself to stop flowing. She wasn't the river anymore. She was just Pauline Long, standing on the Echo Creek pier. She was looking out onto the sea. Something was telling her to turn around.

What she saw was rather unnerving. There were at least twenty variations of a fourteen year old Star Butterfly standing behind her. Along with a variety of other familiar faces. Something in Star's memories told her that seeing multiple copies of Star was really bad. Yet every version of Star was smiling and laughing as she walked with someone else. Marco, Tom, Jackie, Janna. There were even several people who Pauline didn't recognize. Although those versions of Star were often of a different variety than the one she was used to. For example, the Star she knew wasn't a boy, or had three eyes and horns. Pauline was sure that she would have noticed either of those things on her version at some point.

All these versions of Star moved around her like ghosts. They were all clearly out on dates with ghostly versions of all these other people that Pauline knew that Star hung out with at school. Pauline faintly realized that these were potential timelines where Star wound up in different relationships. Her with some variation of Marco was the most common. Followed by variations of Tom. Here and there she noticed some really screwball pairings. There was even a version of Star with a version of Brittney Wong. A very goth looking version of Star was paired with the cheer captain, Pauline noted.

Perhaps most shocking was a version of Star who was holding hands with Marco and Jackie at the same time. Pauline followed along behind them for a moment as they wandered along the pier. They all seemed very happy with each other.

Then Jackie kissed Marco, moments later he kissed Star. Pauline's eyes went wide as saucers. He laughed and threw his arms around both of them? Pauline observed.

"Wow, Marco became quite the Mac Daddy in some other timeline!"

Then Pauline realized something. Amidst all the variations of Star she was seeing she wasn't seeing herself. There was no timeline where she and Star wound up together when they were kids.

She collapsed to her knees at the realization. She threw gentle punches at her own face. She came to an ugly realization. That the only reason why she had gotten her own version of Star was because that version had fucked up royally. Because her version had burned everyone else in her life. Pauline concluded that she wasn't worthy of a healthier version of Star. Then she started feeling guilty for thinking so badly of the woman she had invited into her home.

Something whistled. Pauline looked up to see the Unicorn was pointing behind her.

There were three more variations behind her now. Star, Jackie and Marco were walking away. Walking towards her was a set of variants that baffled her.

One was Marco holding hands with Star and the classic version of StarFan13. The other was Star holding hands with a version of StarFan13 she was pretty sure hadn't existed in her timeline.

This version of StarFan13 had no hearts on her cheeks. No headband. She was wearing boys clothes and had some kind of a weapon on her hip. Pauline held up a hand and asked the Unicorn.

"Can we freeze the simulation, whatever we are calling it right here?"

The variations stopped moving. Pauline walked up to the more familiar variation of her past self and studied her intently. It was truly bizarre to see her past self from this perspective. And holding hands with Marco and Star? Oh she wished dearly that she could take a picture of this.

Stranger still was the variation dressed in men's clothes. Pauline took a very good look her, paying particular attention to her weapon. It appeared to be some kind of collapsible device, most likely magical in nature. She reached out and touched the variation.

As she touched the variations face it blinked. She realized that the variation was staring right her. The variation took a step back and drew her weapon. It folded out into a war-hammer, the variation leveled the hammer at Pauline's face.

"Wwwho are you and why are you wrecking our date?"

Pauline jumped back and threw her hands up. "I'm you from the future, I come in peace I swear!"

The variation looked at her and pointed to her pistol announcing. "Don't you touch that thing." Pauline nodded and the variation asked, "me from the future? Okay, so did you come back here? Are you going to warn me about something that went wrong?"

"No, I'm just here to observe. How did you get together with Star?"

The variation retracted her war-hammer, clipped it back on her belt and explained.

"Marco dumped her, I was there to catch her. We have been together for months, I've never been so happy!"

Pauline smiled as she lowered her hands, it may not have been what she imagined. She had never seen herself going quite that butch. But it had happened. She touched the variation again, on its hand and it returned to motionlessness.

Pauline walked over to the Star-Marco-StarFan variation and tapped her more familiar past self on the shoulder. The variation turned around, looked up and asked. "Who are you?"

"Your future self, tell me please, how did you wind up in this relationship?"

"Oh, magic strikes yet again huh? Okay, Star and I were working on our math homework when Tom called. He said a bunch of heinous stuff, I stood up for Star, she liked that, she really liked that and I, well, I liked her back."

The variation looked at her shoes and gave a blushing smile. Pauline Long saw the look on her own face when she was thinking perverted thoughts.

Pauline asked the variation in disbelief.

"You fucked her?"

The variation started wiggling with joy, doing a happy little dance. The variation continued.

"The day after that we started going on adventures together. Marco came along too and... Well, we have been hanging out together ever since. Marco is so cute and Star, well. If you are me then you know as well as I do how I feel about her."

Pauline waved her hand to reset the simulation. The variations went back to their respective timelines. Pauline looked back at the unicorn and asked. "Okay, teach me."

The unicorn replied.

 **"You are already doing it. You can follow the variations wherever you want**."

"Why are these variations important?"

" **Because seeing you happy is important. To you and to me. It seems like nothing makes you happier than seeing yourself with Star."**

The scene changed. Pauline wasn't at the pier anymore. She was at a school dance. She hated those things. She had only gone to one. Pauline looked over to see her manlier variation slow dancing with Star while Marco and Jackie danced nearby.

She blinked and the scene changed yet again. She was treated to the unexpected sight of her past self slow dancing with Marco while Star looked on with a somewhat deranged smile on her face.

Things started flashing past. Monsters, men, wars, victims of violence. Pauline faintly realized that she was getting the abridged version of Stars story since they parted.

Well, abridged isn't really the right version. It was chopped, confusing and very clearly not in chronological order. She saw people whose age, clothes and hairstyles jumping randomly around her.

Pauline couldn't handle it. She covered her eyes with her hands and the images and noises stopped.

She uncovered her eyes. It was the Star-Marco-StarFan variant again. Only this time they were in a realm that appeared to be nothing but pillows and a sky full of ribbons stretching off into infinity.

And all three of them were getting kinda handsy.

Pauline realized what she was doing. Source/ The Unicorn, whatever it was, was alternating the harmful images from Stars memories with pleasant images from other timelines. She realized that she was connected to Source, yet not in a nondual mindset. 

For ages she explored, both the timelines and the memories. It was easy to differentiate between the two. Anything with a version of herself in it was an alternate timeline. Over what seemed like months she learned fine control of the dreamworlds that Source had created for her. The unicorn was there the whole time, in the background. Watching, learning. Pauline became quite aware that it was just as curious about her as she was about it. It seemed to be getting smarter.

Pauline woke up. It had felt like years. It she knew how to lucidly dream now. Something told her that was going to help her with her magical skills.

The next night she returned to the pier. She could search Star's memories at will now. And use these memories to learn any magical techniques that she wanted from Star's experience. But she didn't explore many of those spells. She felt that doing magic like Star did was inappropriate. Star had her magic and Pauline wanted to focus on creating her own flavor of it.

Her every sleeping moment on that trip was spent training. Occasionally the Unicorn would drop in on her sessions. It seemed to be just as curious about her as she was about it. But the answers it could give about the nature of magic and technique were limited. All it could really offer was to give Pauline more power. Which wasn't always the best solution to a problem. Though it would often come in handy.

Pauline dreamed of Star, so many variations of Star. So many of which were radically different in outward appearance to her Star. But they all seemed to have the same spirit animating them. A spirit more reminiscent of fourteen year old Star than the twenty four year old version that Pauline was dealing with nowadays. It saddened her, it made her feel that something had been taken from her version. All the variations had their quirks and flaws. None seemed as vicious and troubled as hers.

Pauline worked relentlessly to become a master of the mind. Of the random nonsense that flew through her own mind and the pains that defined Star's memories. Over time both became less jumbled nonsense and more comprehensible.

Memories of the campaign. Countless monsters slain, boring diplomatic negotiations. The endless misery of mud, lice and exhaustion that was war outside of battle and the hot blooded insane fury that was battle. Terror and boredom, alternating with the occasional happy moment where someone got pranked or food showed up on time.

Still there was a big wall in the way. At some point, some years ago Star had done something that prevented Pauline from accessing memories from after that time. It was so substantial that Pauline knew that she couldn't unblock it by pulling on its strings.

_"Pulling strings? Have to come up with a better name for that. Cord cutting? Energy pulling? Memory bending? Fractal energetic Ju Jujitsu? Whatever I call it I can't use it to get the answer out of Star. Even if Star ever allows me to do that to her again, unlikely."_

She knew that it had improved her skills. But seeing all those variations of Star with all those variations of herself had also made her want to get back to Star as fast as she could. She needed to get back to the real thing.

Pauline returned to a house in perfect silence. It felt unfamiliar and kinda creepy. She could sense that Star was still home, but she didn't have any idea what was going on. She wanted to give Star a fun surprise so she quickly changed out of her usual outfit into something completely different.

Pauline found Star in the guest bedroom, in the lotus position, eyes closed. She was sitting on the bed with her wand on one her right side and the Congolese FAL on her left. Pauline took one look at this bizarre image and asked.

"Star, what are you doing?"

"Meditating and trying to get over my fear of guns."

Without opening her eyes Star quickly field stripped and reassembled the FAL. Pauline whistled in amazement and asked.

"Impressive, but why?"

"I heard that meditation helps calm the mind. It's not working, my mind is still on fire. Another in a long line of utterly useless shortcuts to serenity."

"Ah, well then, if it's serenity you want then you probably shouldn't open your eyes."

Star opened her eyes to see that Pauline wasn't dressed in her usual mix of greens, purples and khaki. She was wearing an orange cheerleader costume.

In utter confusion Star asked.

"Okay... why are you wearing that?"

Pauline spun around, lifting her skirt as much as centrifugal force would allow and smiled, replying

"You told me that the only other... Biological girl you were ever attracted to was Brittney Wong. I thought that I might give you a little surprise. Let you indulge in a little fantasy. The past few weeks has just been fantasy after fantasy coming true for me, I wanted to do something for you."

Pauline gave Star a boop on the nose. To which Star shook her head and replied in a deadpan tone. "Hmm, well, that's unexpected."

"You don't like it?"

"Not so much. This was never much of a fantasy for me. Brittney was a jerk, an arrogant, cute, tasty, jerk. You know, the kinda girl who acts like that guy who will treat you like a doormat. Yet you seek him or her out because you are a romantic idiot. The war beat that out of me, I just want fire. I want you. Ooh, how about I dress you up how you used to look! You must have a pair of square glasses around here someplace. Add a shirt with your old name on it? I could conjure up a replacement set of braces. I could have you looking just like you did in high school, now that I would like to see."

"Um, I don't want to do that Star. That's touching on some painful memories."

"What do you mean? I thought you accepted who you were back then as a part of who you are now?"

"I mean that would be a step backward. I haven't dressed like that since I threw myself off that bridge. The firefighter who rescued me said that he freaked out when he pulled me out of the water. When he saw my wings... He thought for a moment that I was an angel, a dead angel. Dead kids are upsetting enough, dead Angels? With everything else that happened that day I didn't want to add religious fraud onto everything else I did, so I never wore my wings after that day. I may accept StarFan13 as a part of who I am. But to be her again...? I really don't want to go back there."

Star got up and walked towards her. "You have a new set of wings now. I would rather see those than this silly little cheerleader outfit you have on."

Pauline shrugged, looked down and observed.

"Well this backfired spectacularly."

"I guess, now come on. Indulge me. Radiant Shadow Transform!"

Star picked up the wand. Her clothes changed from a collection of Pauline's castoffs to a copy of her favorite school outfit. Green dress, purple leggings and her trademark horned headband.

Pauline looked at Star, she was overjoyed to see Star as she was, as opposed to what she had become. Which while she was exactly what Pauline had wanted. She saw it as expensive to the kid who had once been Star. She smiled and said, "okay, hit me."

"Radiant shadow transform!"

In a flash of light the cheerleader costume was replaced by a perfect replica of her old StarFan13 outfit, right down to the braces on her teeth and a small pack with a set of white wings on it. She turned around, looking in a mirror and went completely still. Seeing herself as she used to be horrified her. It was taking everything she had to not collapse. Star looked at both of them in the mirror. Resting her arms on Pauline's shoulders from behind her, whispering in her ear. "Now that's more like it, beautiful." As she took a deep whiff of Pauline's hair.

Pauline went perfectly still. Fantasies started flooding in, overwhelming her. All those nights spent pouring over pictures, social media posts, videos. So many imaginings of Star's warm skin. She stared at Star in the mirror and breathed deeply, thinking.

" _She wants me? the real me? imperfect, unpopular, nervous little me?!_ "

As Star's hands began to roam all over her body she let herself be swept up in the moment. Star began kissing her neck, Pauline shuddered and thought again.

_"Is this real? Star has her hands all over me!"_

She was about to shift around and kiss Star on the lips when she stopped looking at the reflection of Star and looked at the reflection of herself. A reflection of herself she hadn't seen in a very long time. Fear won out against love as the words leaked from her lips, then screamed through her mind.

"Wait, this isn't the real  _me, this isn't who I am anymore I haven't been for years, this is insane! The bridge, oh god, the bridge_!"

The last thing that StarFan13 had seen before she threw herself off that bridge had been a picture of Star and her. When a gust of wind carried off the picture, that had been the straw that broke the camels back. The picture had flown up into the structure of the bridge where she couldn't reach it. The picture itself was not that important to her. She could have printed off fifty copies as soon as she went home. It was the symbolism, the last thing she had on her of the girl she loved had just flown out of reach.

" _I'm not that kid anymore, I sacrificed what I was for what I would become. I'm stronger than that now. I'm smarter, I don't need this... deranged childhood fantasy anymore."_

Star removed her pack, once that was gone her hands drifted down to Pauline's pants. As soon as fingertips touched skin Pauline stated.

"Um, Star, I'm not really feeling this... Oh what the fuck! You changed my voice back!? How the hell did you do that? Okay, stop this right now, I'm done with this madness! We aren't in high school anymore. You left, I moved on with my life."

Star's hands meandered up from her hips to her breasts. Grabbing them with more than a little force. She held Pauline tightly, digging her chin into Pauline's shoulder as she looked at the both of them in the mirror, asked in a direct, but quiet tone. "I thought this was what you wanted. I thought that this was your fantasy? Me, you, just like we were back in school. I thought you dreamed of this."

"Not if it means going back to who I was. I put a lot of work into living as a better person than this. I made a lot of hard choices after I threw myself off that bridge."

Star spun her around, before Pauline had any idea what was going on Star had pulled her legs out from under her. Forcing her to the floor. Kissing her voraciously. Star was not going to let her go. Between kisses Star explained.

"That's seriously fucked up, you are disrespecting your former self. You are denying who she was, you need to stop doing that. This is what I want. I want you! I don't want Brittney. I don't want some geologist gun nut who can outrun me. I want creepy, lonely, desperate StarFan13! I need you to be who you used to be; insecure, hungry, soooo delicate! A damsel in distress that I can rescue over and over again. Someone who will never cast me out into the cold just because I did some stupid, un-intentioned things."

Star blinked, reasserted herself, looked her square in the eyes and growled.

"I have had enough strength for a lifetime. I want your weakness. I want your hunger. Need to know if you are really who I used to go to school with. I want the girl who held me and cried when she faced danger. I want to fuck the girl who snuck a peek up my nightgown."

Pauline seized up, Star pulled out of the kiss with a look of smoldering lust and an alarmingly smug smile.

"You think I didn't notice that at the slumber party just because I was distracted by some stupid cube? Give me some credit."

"Oh fuck, you noticed that? I shouldn't have done that. I went too far. That was very rude of me, sorry."

Star put her hands on Pauline's shoulders, holding her in place. Pushing so hard that her fingernails started to bite into skin. In an incredibly forceful voice Star said.

"Stop. Saying. That. You. Are. SORRY!"

Star relaxed her grip slightly, she had been right on the edge of pounding Pauline into the floor like a tent stake with every word. She knew she was pushing too hard, but she only pulled back a little as she continued.

"Went too far?! Rude!? I want your rudeness! You are the one who keeps harping on about honesty. I should have been more honest with myself. I shouldn't have ignored you, we should have been together back then. I should have let you seduce me, I should have..."

"Mom came and took me away, Marco followed me. He brought all sorts of people from Earth to help him reform Mewni. I should have brought people from Earth too, balance things out a bit. I should have just let him have the government. I should have abdicated the moment after I killed Eclipsa. At the very least I should have come back for you. Ten years we were apart and every one of them sucked! I want to see what it would be like if I had chosen you instead of Marco. When I tore those energetic blocks out of you I saw everything you felt on your birthday. I should have been there for you. I never should have let you near that bridge. Let me save you. Please let me save you!"

"Really!? I'm not sure what to say about that, I'm flattered, I guess?"

Star released her grasp on her shoulders, hands roaming towards Pauline's face. She started to breathe raggedly. Emotions erupting to the surface, almost crying as she begged.

"Don't say anything, just love me StarFan, please, just love me!"

As heavy as the words were Pauline couldn't help but think. " _Oh god, that sounds like something I would have said to her back then!"_

Then she realized, it was something she would have said to Star. That poor lonely desperate little girl she had thrown off a bridge had come back to haunt her in the guise of her best friend. Star Butterfly, as close as anyone was to a physical God; under all those layers of armor, charisma and badassery, lied a terribly lonely person. A prisoner shackled to an impossible duty, then cast out into the cold when she became irrelevant. A girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, forced by circumstances to lock up her emotions. Pauline had broken those locks and allowed the part of Star that loved to run free after all those years of repression. That part of Star was, in many ways, a fourteen year old girl currently residing in a twenty four year old body. Starved of love.

Ravenous.

Pauline felt uneasy. She felt like she was taking advantage of the situation. Then she remembered that this was exactly what she had wanted, someone to reach out to. She had wanted it when she was fourteen and as much as she claimed to be some enlightened being with this lovely life, she wanted it now. More than anything else in the world. She had wanted someone to talk her off that bridge.

Despite all her poking around in those timelines she didn't know what her life would have looked like if Star had somehow appeared in time to stop her. The mere notion that if Star had known that she would have intervened opened up too many complications to come up with a scenario in any way familiar to her. The chaos terrified her. The echoes of lives that would not be, yet could have been. She couldn't even begin to process the fact that timelines seemed to be diverging and recombining in real life.

Pauline felt a few tears escape her eyes. Snapping back to her current reality she realized that she had hardened her fantasies into such rigid models of pleasure that she was ignoring the messy reality right in front of her. Which for all the flaws, all the madness, all the trauma. She loved the actual Star more than she could possibly love any fantasy.

Star was flying to pieces emotionally. Pauline knew that this was her doing. She had put great effort into releasing the bounds that Star had placed on her emotions. Set the controls to the heart of the sun. Now that those emotions were loose Star was acting exactly as she had in so many of her fantasies. Years of dreaming about this very scenario and now that it was happening she was saying stop? As the irony of the situation dawned on Pauline she also realized her own hypocrisy. For all that she had said to Star about embracing the dark and suppressed aspects of the self, here Star was finally doing just that and she was being a wet blanket over her friends catharsis.

Pauline looked down, despite the clothes, metal on her teeth and the voice; she was still her 24 year old self. Confident, strong, calm. She could buy her own insurance and everything. She could handle this unplanned detour down memory lane. She brought Star in for a kiss. Just before their lips touched she said.

"How about I be me, and you be you, Star41."

"Forty one?"

"Something you said when we saw Black Hawk Down. 'Do you really call yourself StarFan13? how about I call myself Star41?"

Pauline kissed her as softly as she could and whispered.

"That was the moment you made me love you."

Star smiled as a tear rolled from her eye, landing on Pauline's cheek. Star kissed it away. Her tongue invaded Pauline's mouth as her hands meandered down. She was about to remove the StarFan13 shirt, but she hesitated. Her mind may have been locked into the fantasy. But she also wanted to maintain said fantasy as long as possible. She had convinced herself that this was StarFan13 on the floor. The moment she did that she introduced many complexities to the equation. While Star wanted to love her into oblivion, the fantasy demanded that she be careful with this delicate girl. Star decided to try something different, something that would keep their clothes on as long as possible. Holding her hands in front of her. With about an inch of distance between them. Just above Pauline's belly. She felt hot, really hot, downright weird. In a state of bizarre pleasure as she asked.

"What is this?"

"Something I have wanted to try for a little while. This is a technique I developed; direct channeling of magical energy into the hands and feet. I call it Firebrand, I invented it after I stopped dipping down in case I lost the wand in a fight. I have been wondering if I can use it for something besides fighting."

She hovered her right hand over Pauline's chest. She could feel their respective energies passing next to each other. Reaching out to a joyful embrace. Star did not touch her as she ran her hand up and down the centerline of Pauline's body. Spinning her up further and further and further, Pauline was confused at first, then excited.

"Star how is this... Oh god! Yes! Wow, whatever you are doing, keep, doing, it!"

Pauline's moans grew louder and louder until her body began to convulse. She had an idea what was going on. But her brain was in no state to explain it. She just wanted to stay in that state forever. With Star playing her like a piano, a piano that had to get by for years with unskilled and/or hack blues or punk musicians waiting for a musician who specialized in more upbeat music to come along. Star was playing her like a virtuoso pianist hammering out Ode to Joy.

Star kept moving her hands up and down. Slowly at first, trying to get a good grasp of the energy, then faster, then slower again. As she did this her mind began a detached analysis of what was happening. It dawned on her that she could keep Pauline in this state for hours. But she didn't want to do this for hours, she wanted results. She shoved energy into Pauline, and Pauline took every bit of it. Using it to push her body higher and higher until it reached a point that more energy simply would not go in. The energetic connection was so substantial by then that it felt like a solid piece of leather in Star's hand. Since no more energy could go in Star hovered her hand right above Pauline's slash and gently pulled back, breaking the link between them.

Hands slammed into the floor, a cry of perfect ecstasy echoed through the room.

Pauline convulsed uncontrollably, her body nearly ripped apart by energies beyond the comprehension of any other human. It was brutal, but delicious. Like licking cake icing off of a hunting knife. Or knocking out a detested villain. She looked up at Star and tried to speak. She wanted to say, "that was incredible. But please don't do that again, I think you almost killed me." But all that came out was an incoherent stammer with a slight lisp.

Star did not get that message. She lifted off Pauline's shirt and snapped her bra open. The fantasy was gone, now she just wanted to see if she if this technique matched her lovemaking abilities. Star's thinking on the subject was. "If I could do that without touching her imagine what I can do with actual physical contact? This is going to completely destroy her!" Star grabbed Pauline's breasts and delivered a burst of energy. Pauline convulsed again, then she crashed back to the ground. Unconscious, unresponsive and not breathing.

"Oh shit! Did I destroy her?"

Star checked her pulse, she had been as careful as possible. Giving what she thought was a small amount of energy. But it wasn't like she had a means of measuring the volts and amperage she was working with; she had just defibrillated Pauline's heart.

Star grabbed the wand, she was about to hit Pauline with the strongest healing spell she had when Pauline came back to life. She bolted upright screaming.

"Holy titfucking crap on a crutch! For the love of God don't do that again!"

She fell back to the floor, stammering. "I'm, I'm thinking that this might not. No, we can't, I can't seem to string a sentence together. Splan wot finny finny grob. Nope, I'm down for the count. Goodnight everybody!"

Star asked, "Pauline, are you okay?"

"Not really, I'm pretty sure you killed me for a second there. I, uh I don't think I can do anything else today. I don't think I can even walk."

Star held the wand over her announcing.

"It's okay, I can fix you!"

Pauline's hands shot upward, pointing the wand away from her as she explained.

"I would really rather you didn't. I just need to rest, I'll be fine. Just another little visit with my old friend death. Two more and I get a free sandwich!"

Star picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Pauline relished the reversal of her usual fantasy. Placing her carefully on the bed. Star got up to leave when Pauline asked.

"And just where do you think you are going little lady?"

"To leave you in peace, so you can get some rest?"

"Just because I am not able to screw around doesn't mean that I want to see you go. I believe you said that you wanted me to love you? Get in this bed right now!"

Star got into bed with her. Pauline spooned her, kissing the back of her neck. Breathing her in and whispering in her ear. "Now isn't this nice?"

Star smiled and replied.

"Yes, this is wonderful."

"Uh, can you change my voice back to normal?"

"Don't worry, the spell will wear off in a couple of hours."

"So I'm stuck sounding like this until tomorrow?"

"Afraid so, can't say that I don't like it."

"Well, I suppose I can live with it until then."

After a few minutes in bed together Pauline was feeling better, she could feel that she was drawing energy from Star which was healing the problems caused by the defibrillation. Still, she felt like she could do more.

Her right hand snaked around, reaching under Star's skirt. Her left hand around Star's face. Holding her hand over both sets of Star's lips Pauline reached inside her lover. Her hand came off Star's mouth long enough for her to ask.

"What are you doing? I thought you were down for the count?"

"I'm getting my second wind, there's something I would like to try. It might hurt a bit, do you trust me?"

Star said a trembling, "yes."

Pauline replied, "then resist me, as gently as you can."

Pauline's fingers went back inside Star's mouth. Eliminating her ability to make any sound except grunts, groans and whimpers. Star complied by being noncompliant. Legs wrapped around legs, hands around hands. Star tried to pull Pauline off of her, gently at first. Then with ever increasing strength she tried to remove the fingers invading her body. She bit down on Pauline's fingers.

Pauline took that energy of resistance and funneled it towards her heart. Energy had caused this problem so energy had damn well better fix it. That was Pauline's reasoning.

Their strength became synchronized. Pauline had harvested enough energy to match Star physically. When Star realized that she couldn't hope to break free her resistance stopped. It turned into compliance as her right hand joined Pauline's inside her nethers and her left hand started to work its way towards Pauline's mouth. Pauline shook her head and decided that Star had to pay for almost killing her. She whispered in Star's ear.

"I love you, but this is going to really hurt. Just remember that you told me to stop asking permission. This is going to be worth it though, trust me."

Star whispered back, "I'm going to regret this aren't I?"

"Possibly, let's see what happens."

Pauline started pressing on various, seemingly random bits of Star's anatomy. She was manipulating energetic blocks. Setting pathways for energy like guiding a train through a switching yard. Star resisted as much as she could, whatever was coming she knew she wasn't going to like it. But she couldn't resist, her lover was holding her much too tight.

Once the pathways were properly aligned Pauline bit down on Star's neck. Not hard enough to draw blood, but more than hard enough to cause pain. At first Star found it exhilarating, then the pain started to overwhelm the pleasure. Star struggled harder, she was starting to feel genuine fear as the sensation of fire exploded out of her neck. She squealed at first, then whimpered, finally she began to cry as a deep pain that she did not even know she had began to boil off.

Pauline was sucking pain out of her. As much as she possibly could. She was sucking the venom of generations of violence out of Star. It grew more intense with every second, Star's crying was being replaced with screams. Screams of utter agony. Screams of all the pain that she had never been allowed to scream for. All the pain that her ancestors had never been allowed to scream for.

Silence.

Extra arms.

Extra strength.

The flow of pain was interrupted.

Pauline detached from Star's neck and exhaled the pain. It looked like a small reddish black cloud with a little lightning inside. As it dissipated she let go of Star, knowing that she wasn't playing the game anymore.

Star rolled on top of her. Her irises had gone diamond shaped, her wings were extending. She was in full non-dual butterfly mode as she reached for a small box next to the bed that Pauline kept a set of earplugs in.

A dimensional portal opened up on the bed. Star and Pauline fell through it. Before Pauline could even think about getting her own wings up and running she landed on top of something soft. Impossibly soft and warm. It was more comfortable than any bed she had ever been in.

Star flew above her and landed on the edge of what appeared to be a giant pillow a few feet from where she lay. Still in the full non-dual state she beckoned Pauline to approach.

Pauline looked around, the land was pillows as far as the eye could see. Into the sky stretched countless silken ribbons of varying colors, seemingly connected to great spheres of light. To her human eyes everything about this place seemed weird. But in a good way, like someone had imagined a perfect spot for people, or mewmans for that matter. To spend countless hours in pleasure.

Then she realized she had seen this place. Not in Star's memories though. In the variations, the other timelines. She had seen her past self, Star and Marco here. She had turned off the vision of that variation because she was just too embarrassed at the thought of what the three of them looked like they were going to do next. As she breathed in the perfumed air she thought.

 _"No chance in hell am I turning this off!_ "

Pauline crawled towards Star, not wanting to leave footprints or risk falling through the soft surface of wherever they were. She had an abiding sensation that she was on someone else's property now and she didn't want to do anything that could be considered disrespectful. Once she got to Star she could see that she was physically walling herself off. Her arms and legs were crossed. Pauline faintly realized that this was the non-dual version of Star holding back everything she had. It was causing her pain, she would return to duality soon.

Pauline reached out, there was something stopping her. It was invisible, not all that substantial, yet it was keeping her just out of reach of Star. Pauline faintly realized that it was a force field. Albeit an extremely weak one.

Star stated in the deep voice. " **Take me, if you can**."

Despite being in her non-dual butterfly form Pauline wanted her desperately. The thought of having the fully powered, limitless Butterfly Star had become quite the turn on for her. She wanted to see what those extra arms could do. What would happen when she touched those wings at full size.

Pauline tried to push through the shield. As relatively weak as it was she did not believe that she could punch through it. It resisted her, Star was looking more and more like a mere mortal with every passing second. Pauline faintly realized.

_"Resonance, I need to create something that will neutralize the shield."_

She focused on generating her own shield, it was tiny, it would have barely been able to hold back a round of subsonic 22 Rimfire. But it was the best she could do under the circumstances.

As she pressed the two shields together they popped like soap bubbles. As the shield failed Star returned to symmetry. Pauline walked forward, but Star stopped her just before they made contact.

Star opened the box she had taken and made a small magical spell around the earplugs. They levitated through the air to Pauline's ears.

They seemed to fit more comfortably than they used to. Also, if anything they seemed to enhance her hearing now.

Star smiled brightly and leaned over slightly, gesturing to her neck. In a faint echo of her normal voice Star asked. "I know you want it, so take it."

**"Take it all!"**

Pauline clamped down on Star's neck and started sucking. The pain was flowing much faster and smoother now. Taste and texture similar to an unusually rich, sugary strawberry milkshake, on fire. It didn't matter if it was toxic, if it was dangerous, if it burned. Star wanted the pain out of her so Pauline obliged.

Pauline clamped down, with the extra arms and strength of her butterfly form she knew that if Star wanted to be free then she was going to get free. So this was mostly a symbolic gesture.

Star responded by clamping down. Pauline faintly realized that not all of Star's extra arms were grabbing her. Some of them were grabbing her wings. She had been so focused on drawing out the pain that she hadn't even noticed that they were flying.

Pauline's wings felt really substantial now. They weren't illusory at all. They felt downright metallic. She knew that they weren't sensitive like Star's wings. But she suspected that they weren't meant to be.

Pauline looked up, though she was still in a non-dual state Star looked like she was in serious pain. Trembling, failing, becoming weaker. Pauline felt Star's strength fading. She just sucked harder.

Their flight was gentle. They weren't blasting across the surface of the pillows. They weren't on a rocket ride straight to, wherever the roof or border of this place was. They were simply drifting through the ribbons. They tickled and tantalized, providing a welcome distraction for Pauline from the fact that she was, as per usual, pushing too hard and too fast.

Star stopped trembling, and started screaming. A scream that no human vocal cords could possibly make. A spectrum of sounds that Pauline could barely process, but she could understand. This was full release, Star was finally letting go and allowing the energy to leave her body.

The scream grew louder, Pauline realized why Star had brought them here. The scream was too loud to be contained by her house. Or possibly even her dimension. This was a scream that would have shattered all the glass within ten miles and perhaps cracked concrete and bricks. This world of pillows and silk was just perfect to absorb the energy that Star was shrieking out.

And she was damn thankful for the earplugs.

Star stopped screaming, Pauline realized that she had filled every possible part of her body with Star's pain. She drifted them back to the, "ground" and laid Star, oh so gently atop a large green pillow.

Star spoke in a barely audible but deep voice.

**"You can't keep it."**

Pauline nodded, this pain she had extracted felt deeply sick and wrong. Like she had been filled up with a firehouse of hate tapioca. She exhaled and all of that pain flowed from her like a broken dam. A veritable hurricane of negative energy. It drifted up into the ribbons, like smoke from a pipe. The ribbons seemed to absorb the energy, becoming thicker where the clouds drifted into them. While the static in those clouds shot up towards the orbs of light. Making them glow brighter.

Star shuddered and smiled as she closed her eyes.

Despite having just had a heart attack Pauline felt strong, like she could bench press a bus.

Pauline faintly realized that she was in a borderline non-dual state herself. But she also realized that they had left the dimensional scissors back at her place. She had no idea how to get out of... Whatever here was. So there was only one thing to do. Lie down beside Star and hope that she could get them out of here when she woke up.

Pauline didn't have to wait long. As soon as she touched one of Stars hands she woke up. Her irises were still diamond shaped. Star smiled and said, **"that was much more fun then the last time you exorcised me."**

Pauline smiled and replied, "yeah, but if you don't mind; where the heck are we and how do we get home? I didn't even know you could travel to different dimensions without scissors!"

" **Normally you can't. Funny how the rules of reality can get a little... flexible when I show up eh?"**

"Yeah, so can you get us back?"

" **Yes, we aren't far at all, just a short hop once I. Ah, there we go."**

A hole opened up on the fabric of space. Star fell through it, Pauline dove after her. After a second of plummeting they were back in Pauline's bedroom, she asked the inevitable question.

"So, what was that place?"

" **That was a pocket dimension created by Star's ancestors. When they would have difficult experience connecting to source they would go there to scream, to fight, to indulge in things they couldn't do at home. Their exertions were so energetic that they created mass. That mass was forged into a realm of pure pleasure to calm their pain. Over time the original purpose, as a place to scream was forgotten. They only went there for pleasure. Now the cycle has reset. It is time for my scream to resonate across the multiverse."**

Pauline instinctively put her hands over her ears in anticipation of another one of those awful screams.

Star started losing the god voice and started speaking in a vaguely English accent.

"Oh nothing quite so literal as that. I'm just trying to get a point across."

"And what point is that?"

"That you should always speak in the language of God."

"And what language is that?"

Shifting one more time from an English to a Texas accent, Star finished.

"Any language you like, so long as it's as honest as you possibly can be. Now goodnight little lady, you have plumb tuckered me out."

Star tilted over and fell asleep before her head hit the bed.

Pauline looked at the dimensional scissors and murmured.

"I think I want to go back there, someday."


	15. Stay out of my timeline.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a word, mindfuckery. 
> 
> Also we find out what happened to Janna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scene opens about a week after the conclusion of last chapters events.

 

We tell our triumphs to the crowds, but our own hearts are the sole confidants of our sorrows.  
Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

 

Five years after the battle of Mewni.

"57° right ascension. Temporal distortion, three minutes."

"Three minutes and it can fly, impressive. This bastard is going to be really hard to kill."

"Do we have to kill it Star? It looks so pretty."

"If Rhombulus threw it into a crystal then its probably dangerous."

"Really, didn't Rhombulus throw you into a crystal once?"

"If you don't think I'm dangerous after all we have been through together, Janna, then I think you need your head examined."

The troops hiding along the mountain pass waited for their orders. Every one of them was freezing, many were on the edge of starvation. Those who weren't starving were those who had resorted to boiling their leather boots. Amidst these jagged, frozen rocks the barefoot men envied the starving.

The Mewnian army was stretched to the limit. Planet Islakar should have been a settled world but it had never been colonized by anything from anywhere else for a simple reason. It was the largest known supply of anti-magical elements in the multiverse. Anyone using magic here had only a fraction of their potential. The strong winds and anti-magic snuffed out the armies Hekapoo clone on their second day on the planet. It was pointless to attempt to summon another one. Communications with Mewni were spotty and there were reports of riots going on there with the army gone.

Queen Star had brought the bulk of the Mewnian army here as backup. However the concentration of anti-magic elements was so dense on this planet that the army had to make do without the secure supply lines afforded by dimensional portals. They were left with whatever food and equipment they could carry until they got to a spot where a dimensional portal could be opened. Which were few and far between.

As they began their hunt for the escaped monsters the monsters decided to hunt them first.

The first attacker was the Yarblang, basically an unusually smart Bigfoot. A Bigfoot that knew how to use a sword and bow. He attacked the army while they were still forming up immediately after arriving on the planet. He took down nine men before he was neutralized.

All the chaos he caused attracted the Huroft. The creature that had led the rest of them to Islakar. The Huroft could look like anything it wanted, an incredibly powerful and dangerous magical creature with a mastery of elemental magic, a decent ability to do dimensional magic and a near mastery of telepathy.

The Huroft moved amidst the army, studying it. To the soldiers it was just another one of them. It walked up to Star and her command staff four days after their arrival intending to kill them, then wipe out the rest of the army. The men barely noticed his gentle hand motions which were drawing and shaping rocks up through the topsoil. Razor sharp rocks, which when he commanded would erupt from the ground like an entire minefield detonating at once. However when it got inside the command tent there was someone there who he wasn't expecting. Janna Ordonia, not a member of the Mewnian army, not even from Mewni. She was the official Monster Expert of the realm of Mewni.

The Huroft decided to change its disguise once it recognized that Janna was a threat. It was about to launch its attack. But as Janna looked up at the man who had just entered the tent she asked in bafflement.

"What the hell is John Keats doing here?"

As soon as she heard the unfamiliar name Star opened fire on him.

The next monster was a bigger challenge. It had dug itself into a rugged mountain made nearly entirely of silver and various other powerful anti magical elements. It was strong enough to throw boulders a kilometer away. Star couldn't blast the giant multi armed, multi headed creature with sword like spikes on every arm, it had to be taken down in hand to hand combat. The ruckus he caused attracted a local life form. A somewhat conscious but uncivilized creature. Four feet tall. Roughly cockroach shaped, with a stony carapace and mean as hell. Swarms of them attacked the army from the rear while they attempted to assault the multi headed creature.

By this time the Mewnian army was well into its transition from a group of medieval knights backed up by peasant infantry to a modern fighting force. When they deployed to Islakar they had been equipped with bolt action rifles, simple submachine guns and gunpowder grenades. The grenades proved essential in illustrating to the local life that the army was not to be messed with.

After weeks of marching and fighting through the mountains the army had found a pass that led into what appeared to be Shangri-La. A beautiful mountain valley covered with flowers. There was a monster there. According to Rhombulus's records this monster called itself the Tesennet. As Janna examined it through a set of binoculars she couldn't help but think that it was the most beautiful monster she had ever seen. It resembled a multicolored bird with a long tail, a sharp beak and blades on its wings and claws of a diamond like mineral.

The diamond edges weren't all that made it dangerous. It was slightly out of phase with whatever time stream it was in. Meaning that it knew what was going to happen three minutes into the future. As Janna studied it she really didn't want to fight it.

"Come on Star, why can't we take a page out of Marco's book and try reasoning with this thing? I mean look where it lives, don't you want to go down there and relax. Take a dip in the water, eat something!?"

"Don't you remember the last time you tried reasoning with a monster, Janna?"

"Yeah, but I am sick and tired of starving in these goddamned mountains while being attacked by creatures out of the nightmares of Kafka!"

"Alright, the last time shifted prisoner we fought was only out of phase by thirty seconds and couldn't fly. Have fun talking to the monster. When you screw up I will be waiting here to shoot it in the face."

"Yeah yeah, fuck you too your majesty."

Janna walked down from the pass, the Tesennet flew down to meet her. As it flew around ten feet over her head Janna was entranced even more. The creature looked like a bird of prey bred with a particularly colorful songbird.

"Are you the Tesennet?" She asked.

It landed in a nearby tree and replied.

"Yes."

"Why did Rhombulus trap you?"

"I don't know, I can't use magic. He called me an abomination, that I wasn't supposed to exist. How do you know him?"

"We are tracking down everything that escaped from his place."

"There were some nasty things locked up there with me. But I'm not a monster, I swear. I just came here with a few of them because I didn't know what else to do."

The Tesennet looked her over. Then looked out at the army behind her. She carried no visible weapons. But the army behind her sure did. The Tesennet asked.

"I will not go back to being crystallized. You will not allow me to remain here. At the same time you seem like a reasonable being. So where do we go from here young one?"

Janna asked.

"Are you really willing to live in peace?"

"I swear that I will never harm a living thing unless I feel I have to."

Janna stated, "okay, if you really are harmless, then we will let you be. Rhombulus was nothin if not a little too... generous with handing out crystallizations."

The Tesennet flew out of the tree and landed in front of Janna. She extended her hand for a handshake. The Tesennet extended its wing.

As they made physical contact the Tesennet went limp. It fell to the ground, dead. Janna looked down in shock as Star and the Mewnian army descended into the valley. Star walked up to Janna, kicked the dead bird gently and stated, "nicely done Banana. You took down a time shifted monster all by yourself. I might have had a hard time with this thing."

Janna replied quietly. "Yes, I did, all by myself."

 

 

"Star, Star, it's time to get up."

"Don't, no, stop, please don't, don't do it Janna."

"So... it's not enough that you are sleeping for sixteen hours straight, now you are calling me Janna again? Wake up Goldilocks!"

Star exploded out of bed and screamed, "don't kill him, please don't kill him Janna!"

Star blinked, she wasn't on Islakar, she was on Earth, Pauline's bedroom. She was having that nightmare again. A worried Pauline asked.

"That's, that's the second time you called me Janna. Care to explain why?"

"I don't, I really, really don't."

"Nope, you aren't getting out of this one Star. Tell me what happened to Janna. Ever since she disappeared people have been asking where she went. Most people figured that she followed you and Marco to wherever you went. You can't hide from this anymore."

Star needed a distraction. "Hey, tell you what how about we begin your magical training today?"

A huge smile became emblazoned on Pauline's face as she replied.

"You really mean it!? You are finally going to teach me how to do magic!?"

"Yeah, sure just get your stuff ready and meet me in the backyard. We will go out to that lake you took me to. It is a perfect spot for this sort of thing."

"Okay Star, I will be ready in twenty minutes. But don't think I am going to forget about this Janna thing."

While Pauline got dressed Star thought.

_"Oh you had damn well better."_

Once Pauline was ready to go Star summoned Cloudy and blasted off. Pauline had never had the opportunity to ride Cloudy before. It was even more of a rush than she ever imagined it would be. Soaring above the beautiful scenery of central Oregon at a shockingly high speed on nothing more than a winged wisp of sentient magical vapor.

When they arrived over the lake Star stopped, about eight hundred feet above the water. Pauline asked.

"Um, why aren't we landing?"

Star took her wand out of its holster and stated.

"I told you that I am a lousy teacher. You have my word that you will not die, but you might be hurt. I will heal any of your wounds, but this is not going to be pleasant. Would you still like to proceed?"

"Um, yes I suppose."

Star held up the wand as it began to expand out into an umbrella shape.

"Very well, first lesson, what to do when a spell fails."

Star pointed down, Cloudy was dissolving around them.

Pauline plummeted towards the water. Star chuckled to herself as she dangled from the levitating wand, thinking.

_"800 Foot fall into water? She will be so fucked up that she will never ask me to teach her anything ever again."_

Pauline panicked for a moment, then she felt something warm and firm around her. She had a flashback to the slumber party of Star holding her legs around her waist. She knew Star wasn't going to let her die. So she focused all efforts on getting her own magic up and running.

Star had attached a magical tether to Pauline from the wand. Not unlike a big rubber bungee cord. As Pauline's wings emerged they severed the tether. She realized they didn't have quite enough power to stop her fall. But they were able to turn her uncontrolled plummet into a smooth glide. As she glided towards the shore Pauline rolled over and looked back at Star, hovering in the air. She could see the remnants of the tether going all the way back to the wand and reached out to it. Using it to form a direct connection to the wand she took a large amount of energy from it. Enough to power up her wings to their full potential.

As the power came on Pauline stopped dropping and started climbing like a rocket. Driven by a tremendous power to weight ratio she soared into the air, flying high above where Star was floating. Doing some aerobatic maneuvers, then dropping down to Star's level and stated. "So, the first lesson is that when your magic craps out you improvise, adapt, overcome! Am I right?"

Star just dangled there from the wand, dumbfounded. Not knowing what to say she just nodded as the two of them descended to the ground. Once they landed the wand resumed its normal shape.

Trying to figure out what to do next Star improvised a second lesson.

"Okay, lesson two, the basics. Summoning a Warnicorn stampede." Star handed Pauline the wand and pointed down the nearby trail. "Go ahead and show me what you got."

"Um, how do I do that?"

"Imagine Warnicorns and make the gestures to summon them, now get to it!"

Of course what Pauline didn't know was that this spell required precise motions that she had no chance of knowing. Pauline just held the wand and thought for a moment how to do what Star had asked. Then she had an idea.

Pauline summoned something that kinda looked like a warnicorn, a rhinoceros. She jumped after it, landing on the back of the rhino. Using the wand she summoned a bridle, bit and saddle for the rhino. Urging the rhino into to continue its gallop, Star shouted.

"Whoa, what the fuck do you think you are doing!? I said Warnicorn Stampede, not Ride a Rhino!"

"Yeah, but I never saw you do a Warnicorn Stampede spell. I did see you create a Warnicorn to ride, a long time ago. I haven't thought of Warnicorns in years and I didn't want to imagine the one unicorn I know. So I thought about rhinos."

Pauline guided the rhino towards Star. Leaning forward in her seat she hugged the rhino and asked. "Isn't he adorable?"

Star faced down the massive African mammal. Pauline had it completely under control. She didn't know if she was more jealous, or baffled. It felt like Pauline was mocking her. That she must have seen the hippo incident, somehow and that she was taunting her with her mastery of magic. Star growled.

"Get rid of the rhino and the wings."

Pauline kissed the rhino and it began to dissolve back into the magical ether. As she returned to the ground her wings remained. She explained.

"I'm keeping these, I can't do magic nearly as well without them."

"Lose the wings or no more instruction."

Pauline was getting irritated, taking the information from Star via energy manipulation. As chaotic and confusing as it was, so far she had learned much more about magic from that than anything Star had done. She replied.

"So far your instruction has consisted of dropping me from a great height and a request which I admitted I couldn't fulfill. You haven't actually taught me anything. Regardless, how am I supposed to learn if I am not at my full potential?"

Star flew into a fury. "Just get rid of the wings! This is the last time I am going to ask."

Pauline was taken aback, she sensed something. There was something off in Star's mind. Something that had to get out. She had an idea on how to get all the information she could ever need from Star. Although something told her that it was going to be damn dangerous. She looked down at her cell phone and set its timer.

_"11:03, probably shouldn't push this past eight minutes."_

She raised the wand, aiming it right at Star's head. Star asked in a nervous tone.

"Pauline, what are you doing?"

"Improvising."

The world disappeared, Pauline blasted through the air at an impossible velocity, towards a storm of brain cells firing. She landed effortlessly on the surface of a beautiful gray and green planet as an army assembled around her.

Pauline looked around, baffled at first. Then she realized that her improvised, "jump inside Stars mind spell" had worked. Before she could get a word out she heard Star overhead, screaming.

"Oh shit!"

Star crashed face first in front of her. Pauline didn't understand what was going on. How could she be inside Star's mind, with Star? She looked down, the wand was gone. "Am I in Stars memories? or the wand? where the heck am I?" Pauline helped her to her feet. As she scraped off the dirt and grime she had face planted into Pauline looked around at the scene that was being created around them and asked.

"Ha, it's not so nice being dropped from a great height is it? Hey, that looks like Janna, what's that bird thing she is talking to?"

"Oh no, no no no. We can't be here, we are inside my memories. We need to get the hell out of here!"

Pauline looked back, "your memories? Well okay I guess this will work. I was trying to get into your mind to take the information I wanted about Janna. But I suppose this will work. There is something in here that you are concealing from me and I am going to find it. So, why don't you just tell me where the hell we are?"

"No you don't understand, this place is utter nonsense. All sorts of random shit is going to attack us."

Pauline laughed, "your mind is full of chaos and random nonsense, my mind is not. And I have pulled a whole lot of "random nonsense" out of out of your mind over the past few weeks. I am not leaving until I find out what happened to Janna. So you can either tell me what I am seeing or go sulk in a corner until I am satisfied."

Star made a fist, she didn't have the wand. She wasn't sure if she could beat Pauline in hand to hand combat. This seemed like a really bad place to find out. In any case she noticed that Pauline still had her wings and they looked like they were at full power. Star shouted as she clamped her hand onto Pauline's wrist.

"You are going to pay for this I swear! Fine! What you are seeing is near the end of the Islakar campaign, three months of hell that almost destroyed the Mewnian army. This planet was covered with anti-magic elements. Five monsters had fled here. The first three were relatively easy to deal with. The fourth monster wasn't really a monster at all. But it was a host to the fifth, an incorporeal being, we never learned its name. This thing could jump bodies but it would kill its previous host in the process. I didn't know but the damn thing had jumped into Janna."

Memories shuffled around them, blurry and jumpy, they gradually came into better focus as an image of hundreds of soldiers sitting around campfires. Feasting on various fruits.

"Janna claimed that these fruits were edible. They made the troops violently ill."

"Why did you trust her?"

"Because she was my main advisor. She had access to knowledge that no one of us had. She had all the information that she could acquire on Earth. She had access to the Mewnian Archives, she had Rhombulus's notes. She took notes on every monster we fought. She read, she read more than anyone in the army. Most of them couldn't even read. That's what she did, she read, she drank and she knew things. We all had too much trust in her!"

Pauline held up a finger, she could barely talk. Waves of nausea washed over her as she focused on preventing multiple copies of Star's consciousness from forming. She stammered out, "pppplease calm down Ssstar." 

"Be calm? be calm! You are the one who dragged me into this. Okay fine, lets just skip to the worst part then! That night..."

The scene reorganized itself again. This time they were in a tent. A memory of Star was sleeping, wrapped in layers of blankets on the ground while Janna brought in a soldier. Star asked in a tone of utter confusion. 

"I shouldn't be able to see this, how am I seeing this? Look at me, I was asleep!"

Pauline explained as well as she could.

"Sometimes I see your memories. Sometimes I see glimpses of other timelines. Perhaps your subconscious was aware of what happened."

"Timelines? Does this mean that we can stop this from happening!?"

Pauline groaned as the worst headache she had ever had began to set in. "No, just watch."

"I really don't want to see this again Pauline."

Pauline grabbed Star's wrist, holding on tight she grimly replied.

"Then tell me what is happening so we don't have to come back here."

The thought form of Janna smacked the solider on the back of the head with a sap. As he fell to the ground Janna took Star's wand.

It changed into something unrecognizable. A bizarre mishmash of shapes reflecting, as well as it possibly could. That more than one consciousness was trying to use it at once. The thought form of Janna began to incant a spell.

"I call the darkness unto me, from deepest depths of earth and sea, from ancient evils unawoken, to break the one who can't be broken. To blackest night I pledge Rostrum's soul, and crush his heart to burning coal, to summon forth the deathly power, to see my hated foe devoured!"

As the spell finished the memory of Star woke up to see that she was staring at her own wand. She had no time to react.

The whole scene exploded in a humongous blast across several energy spectrums as the spell tried to manifest itself, but it just detonated instead.

Since these were just memories Star and Pauline were unaffected, sort of. Pauline felt like she had just been kicked in the base of her skull. She gritted her teeth through the pain and asked.

"So, uh, what happened there?"

Star explained.

"Janna and that thing inside her tried to get around the side effects of that spell by having someone else's soul pledged to blackest night. But magic doesn't work that way. You can't have someone take something like that unwillingly without there being serious consequences. The fact that there were two minds using the wand at the same time probably didn't help much either."

The wand had been launched quite some distance away by the force of the blast. Rostrum had been killed. The memory of Star had been burnt, but she was healing quickly.

The memory of Janna was visibly, very badly hurt. But she just got up and walked towards Star. Picking up a convenient sword she clearly intended to finish Star off.

The memory of Star reached for the nearest weapon, which happened to be a mace. As the sword fell the memory blocked it with the pace and forced herself against Janna asking.

"Janna, why!?"

"I'm not entirely Janna. I'm the reason why Rhombulus crystallized the Tsennet. As powerful as it was I knew that he couldn't last long against you. So I jumped into the body of your friend here. I was thinking that I would just hide out in her until I could get away. But when I looked into her mind I saw this handy spell that she found when you allowed her unfettered access to the Mewnian archives. A spell so powerful that it could destroy something, like, you! Well, I couldn't resist the opportunity to go down in history as a being that had killed a queen of Mewni."

"Janna, if you are in there, you need to fight!"

The thing that possessed Janna replied in an utterly deadpan tone.

"Nice try your majesty. But does that ever work?"

The memory of Star kicked Janna as hard as she could, sending her flying backwards.

Pauline was so absorbed by this that she didn't even notice the trickle of blood falling from her nose.

In an instant the memory of Star was in her golden butterfly form. She leapt into the air and went searching for her wand. She found it quickly and as soon as she got a clear shot she targeted Janna.

With the greater perception that she had in this form Star saw the two minds occupying Janna's body. She targeted the one that didn't belong and aimed a precise, narrow beam of deadly golden magic right at her head.

The beam hit, it killed the intruder instantly. But it also killed Janna.

The memory of Star flew back to where her friend lay. The body of her friend. The real Star stood next to the memory as she cradled Janna's corpse. The real Star tried to pat her hand on the head of her past self. But her hand went right through the memory. The memory reached up to her own head and removed her horned headband. The real Star observed in a detached tone.

"You know your observation that our wings have a cooling effect when we dip down? My headband had that effect as well. You saw it expand in size when I dipped. I needed every bit of that cooling to keep my brain from melting. When I lost Janna in that state I realized that I could never dip down again. I couldn't lose anyone when I was in that mental state. It was like having my heart torn out."

Surviving Mewnian soldiers began to gather around. Standing like pillars of a temple. 

The memory of Star began to roar in agony. A cell phone made a gentle radar pinging noise as a gentle rain started to fall.

The skies above Islakar had been crystal clear. But they weren't in Star's memories anymore. The rain was falling from Oregon skies. As it fell the memories dissolved completely, the idyllic valley and all the soldiers faded away. Replaced by the reality of where Star and Pauline were. Still beside the alpine lake. Pauline looked at her watch and thought.

_"Eight minutes is up, good thing I remembered that time limit and ended the spell. I might have stayed in there forever."_

Pauline felt something wet on her lip. She ignored it as she tried to comprehend the situation. Pauline was disgusted with herself; she had just mind raped Star. She had reached inside and taken privileged information. StarFan13 would never have done this. The Great Will of the Macrocosm, Source, the Unicorn, whatever it was wouldn't have done this. Pauline Long would never have done this, would she? Apparently finding out what had happened to Janna had become that important to her. Which struck her as odd, she had never liked Janna all that much. And she had never really gotten the impression that Janna had much respect for her. As a kid StarFan13 had been uncomfortable around Janna. With the perspective of adulthood Pauline had considered her a two bit hustler in training. The only reason why they had ever hung out in school was because of mutual friends.

Then Pauline remembered that didn't matter. Janna may not have been a friend, but she was still someone who she respected enough to care when she vanished, and Star had known why. And though Star clearly wanted to talk about it, judging by her constant mutterings of Janna's name she wasn't able to actually get the words out. Pauline realized that was why she had pushed her way into Star's memories. Not to take magical knowledge, but because one way or another she had to know. She had to find out what Star had hidden.

As these thoughts began to subside Pauline observed in a distant tone.

"So, that's what really happened to Janna?"

"Yes, she was buried in a secret ceremony in Echo Creek. Her family was told that she died a hero, as you can see that's not what really happened."

Star was already crying.

"Rostrum, I'm pretty sure she and Rostrum were dating. They were friends, regardless. Rostrum was a poet, honorable, kind, honest. The flower of Mewnian Chivalry. Everything that Janna wasn't. That's why I had them both as advisors. To be able to hear from radically different perspectives. A romantic link between them might have strengthened the spell when she..."

Star started wailing, Pauline wanted to hug her. But she wasn't all that sure if she could still walk. Her brain felt like it had just been shot out of a flaming airplane crash. Never mind that since she was the architect of all this she had a feeling that if she touched Star that she would explode in rage. Star hugged her first, continuing to explain.

"This is why I stopped dipping down, dipping down had never failed me before. This was when I started walling off that part of myself. But it led to me walling off so much more. Looking back on it, seeing what that thing did while I was asleep. I killed her but it wasn't really my fault, was it?" 

"From what I could see, no. You did everything you could."

"That doesn't make it any better."

"Not now, you need time to process it."

"Stop talking about processing and hold me you bitch! I swear I am going to make you pay for this. Just as soon, as, I, stop, crying!"


	16. Forgiveness.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooldown, stand down and cleaning up.

 

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.

Henry David Thoreau

 

 

"I'm sorry Star, I mean really I had no idea what was going to happen. I thought I was... I didn't know it was going to be like that! I swear! I thought I was just going to watch your memories like watching TV or the burst of memories I got from pulling energy out of you."

"Just shut it Pauline! For fucks sake just shut it!"

Star glared at her. Blood was flowing freely from Pauline's nose and her ears.

Star looked at herself, when she hugged Pauline she had gotten her blood all over her. She wiped it off as well as she could while stammering.

"Holy... You're bleeding!"

Pauline's hands went to her face, she didn't even notice that she was bleeding. She observed in an almost deadpan tone.

"This, this is not good."

She reached in her pocket for a handkerchief, as she wiped away the blood, Star growled. "Serves you right!"

Star tried to summon Cloudy, no result. She tried using the wand to fly in other ways. Nothing was happening. Star wanted to leave Pauline here to bleed, to suffer, to have an absolutely miserable and long walk home. The wand was not cooperating with this plan. She looked it and screamed in frustration. "Why isn't this fucking thing working!"

Pauline puked, there was an alarming amount of blood in her vomit. It was taking everything she had to stay on her feet but not having to concentrate on quieting the rumblings of chaotic magic, multiple timelines and Star's Id all at the same time was helping her headache. Calming her enough to theorize. "You are too upset. You can't concentrate, I might have even jumbled your memories, sorry."

Star shrieked back.

"Too upset? screw you! I have used this thing with a leg chopped off! you think I wasn't upset when that happened? Didn't stop me from tearing the face off the monster responsible for it."

She shook the wand violently. "What's wrong with this piece of junk!?"

Star popped open the wand. The unicorn was still there, barely. It wasn't running on its treadmill anymore. It was just standing there, motionless.

Star started crying again, "no, this isn't, no! This has never happened before."

Pauline reached for the wand, as soon as she took it the unicorn started running again. Her energy wings powered back up. Star looked at this and threw her right hand on the air.

"Great, that's just fucking great, another thing gone totally to shit today. Alright, fine, summon Cloudy, get us out of here."

Pauline replied, "I don't know how and I really don't want to try. I can fly us back home, I think. But I don't want to cast any more spells for awhile."

Star kicked a nearby rock and shouted, "fine!"

Pauline took a couple of short hops just to confirm that she could still fly. Once she was sure that she could go far enough and fast enough she lifted Star into the air with her arms under Star's armpits. It wasn't going to be a very pretty looking flight. But neither of them were in the mood for a five mile hike to the nearest road, then a hitchhike the rest of the way.

Pauline flew them as fast as she could back to her house. Once they were there she handed the wand back to Star and apologized one more time. Star popped the wand open one more time. The unicorn was moving again, slowly. She knew the wand had been recently charged, it was like it was being balky. Which was not unprecedented, but very scary to Star considering what happened the last time it got balky.

Yet Star wasn't petrified, she was scared, but it wasn't paralyzing her. She was a hell of a lot calmer than she had been during the last time the wand malfunctioned. Star didn't understand how she wasn't tearing Pauline's head off right now.

Pauline looked around and stated, "okay, seeing as how I have, well I'm still not sure what I did to you. If you want to be alone I will go for a drive."

Star looked at her, she launched herself at Pauline, pinning her to her lawn. Star cocked back her fist to punch her, then hesitated.

Pauline wasn't cringing in fear, she wasn't defiant. She just looked sad, like she was waiting for the blow to fall. Star asked.

"Are you really sorry?"

"Yes."

"Did you really know what you were doing when you did that spell?"

"No, I was just working from your memories and a theory."

"Are you really sorry?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

"More than anyone Star."

"Are you really sorry?"

Star was expecting her to say, "yes dammit, stop saying that!"

Pauline just replied in the same sad tone.

"Yes."

To which she added.

"If you want to punch me go right ahead. I deserve it."

Star let go of her and looked her over. Star wasn't a walking lie detector, and she had never been all that perceptive a being, regardless. There was no way that she was going to do anymore 5meo with Pauline in order to find out her truthfulness that way. But she believed that she was being sincere when she said that it was an accident and that she was deeply sorry.

Star wasn't used to hearing anyone say that they were sorry. There were so many things that she had done that she had been sorry for but so few times that she could illustrate her own contrition.

There was still blood on Pauline's face as she began to cry. Star was horrified by the image as she thought.

_"You made me do this! I made you do this? I kept things from you, teased you with them. And you made me do this?"_

Star couldn't punch her, she rationalized her anger away. Pauline might be already dead from some kind of brain malfunction.

So Star pointed at the house and said.

"You don't need to go, just get inside. You were doing a famously difficult spell with an uncooperative subject. After something like that you are in no state to drive. We probably shouldn't have even been flying. But it's not like you gave us any choice in the matter!"

Star gave her a light slap on the face. Pauline didn't even twitch as she went inside amidst the increasing drizzle.

 

As they ate lunch Pauline had to ask.

"So, you taught Janna magic and she used it against you?"

"Yes."

"Is this why you didn't want to teach me magic?"

"Yes."

Pauline tapped her fingers nervously on the table and said.

"This is awkward, I have a dinner invitation at a friends house on the other side of town. I'm thinking I should hang out with them for a little while. Let you cool off."

Star coldly replied.

"No."

"Why not? it looks like you are about to rip out my spine and floss with it. I don't want to be anywhere where I am not welcome."

"This is your house, not mine."

"Are you saying that you want to leave?"

"No, I, listen. The more I think about it the more I see things your way. I was the one who kept calling you Janna. I clearly wanted to talk about her, and now that's it's out I feel better about the whole thing. Seeing what you showed me, it filled in a couple of holes in my memory. Its just... I'm upset okay? It doesn't mean that I want to leave, it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. It's just that, well, as we have talked about we both have issues."

Star slammed her head into the table again. "I should be apologizing to you. I dropped you like a sack of hammers from a thousand feet. I never told you how to cast a warnicorn spell. I tried to get you to do something that you have practically no experience with, with one hand tied behind your back. You responded to my obnoxiousness with your own obnoxiousness. To the point where you almost broke your brain trying to get me to see reason."

Pauline asked in a confused tone.

"So, does that mean we are even?"

"We aren't even Pauline, this is your home and every day I spend here I have felt a little more... Whole. A little more like my true self. I can never pay you back for that. You have physically torn bad things out of me, perhaps I just need to get over myself and stop obsessing over the bad things you took from me. How about this, the next time you decide to go poking around in my head, ask my permission first."

Pauline replied.

"I don't think I will be doing that ever again, to anyone."

"Oh come on Pauline, I think we have established by now that you are really good at getting to the rotten core of people. Every time you have done something like that I get better. My night terrors are gone, I can pick up a gun without throwing up. I,"

She lifted her head from the table.

"I like who I am now. It's been a long time since I liked who I am."

Star enjoyed the sight of Pauline's smile for a moment and finished.

"Also, as much as I am in no position to demand anything I demand that you stay here and let me watch you in case you show other symptoms."

Pauline stated. "How about we toss it in that big big box labeled, let us never speak of this again?"

Star smiled back and replied, "okay."

They decided to stay in for the rest of the day. Pauline had a couple of movies that she wanted to share with Star, including Dr Strange.

Star didn't much care for Dr Strange, it wound up giving her flashbacks to her battles with Roderick and Eclipsa. Although Pauline did notice that she could handle those flashbacks much better than she used to. As the day turned to night they found themselves sitting closer and closer on the couch. As drowsiness overtook them they went to bed. They had both been pretty strained by the day's events.

 

_"I don't need this."_

The next morning, unusually, Star woke up first. Pauline needed all the sleep she could get. Neither of them knew conclusively but Star suspected that if the spell gone on much longer Pauline would have had a brain aneurysm. Perhaps her brain would have just exploded.

_"I don't need this."_

Star just stared at her as the sun was starting to filter in. She thought back to what she had screamed at the punching bag. "I just wanted to love!" The more she thought about Pauline the more she realized that her friend had wanted the same thing.

_"That was the moment you made me love you."_

Not, "that was the moment I fell in love with you." Or "the moment I decided that I loved you," the words were "made me love you." Like little StarFan13 had no choice in the manner.

_"I do need this."_

Star began to tear up, she realized that she was well and truly bound to this woman now. That she could no more walk out this house, or even this bedroom than she could turn back time. Despite the hiccups, the drugs and the increasingly weird magic stuff, Pauline had made Star love her right back. If what she had done yesterday wasn't enough to get her to run screaming again then nothing would. 

_"Ravenous, isn't that the word that she keeps using to describe me? I am ravenous, I want her, I want her body, I want her soul, I want her spirit."_

Star felt bad about the whole swirling tornado of nonsense that she had unleashed on her friend. She felt even worse at the thought that her friend had somehow seized control of that tornado and beaten her silly with it. Pain, pleasure, bitter memories, pure joy. Her biggest fan had taken all of her trauma and smacked her upside the head with it.

_"The blood, Pauline lost so much blood."_

She began to feel, for the first time, a true sense of guilt for everything that she had dragged StarFan into. That she had dragged so many others into. She realized that she had to make amends.

Right here seemed a good place to start.

_"Fuck you StarFan13, fuck you for making me love you. Fuck you for making me love again."_

Star looked over her sleeping lover.

_"Why yes, I think I will."_

In their previous lovemaking Star had just been barreling headlong towards orgasm as fast as her limited knowledge would permit. Oh sure she had brushed up by viewing a couple of short porn flics. But now she was actually paying attention.

Star pulled back the covers, thankful that the room was warm and she could take some time to examine her naked lovers body without her waking up. The body was long and lean, stronger than it looked. A surprisingly even balance of muscular strength and feminine curves.

_"StarFan13 isn't supposed to be strong, she was supposed to be so delicate. I'm supposed to be the strong one here dammit!"_

Her nose, slightly upturned, Star thought that nose looked ridiculous in school. Nowadays it just seemed to be part of the complete package that was this... Grown up woman who had once been a girl who called herself StarFan13.

Her teeth, slightly oversized for her mouth. Incisors hanging just on top of her lower lip. Star loved those teeth, she just couldn't get enough of running her tongue across those goofy things. She found herself staring at them more often than she really should have. When she was able to take her eyes off those increasingly weird, intense brown eyes.

_"Damn she is still cute as a button."_

With the braces Star thought that StarFans smile was absurd, silly, but charming. Now she couldn't get enough of it.

She took a deep breath, their scents were mixed together. Star had made a point of not sniffing anyone's stuff after Marco. She knew now that was a mistake.

Pauline's clothes were on the floor.

_"Nah, I'm not going to take a snootful of anything when I have the real thing right here."_

She wondered if she could pull it off. It wouldn't be easy, it would require very careful motions. She would have to go slow, painfully slowly by her standards. But she felt that this was a good place to try. She was silently thankful that they had both showered last night.

Doing such a thing after a week of monster hunting can be a little disgusting.

Star got into position, oh so slowly, oh so carefully. With her nose inches above her lover she took a quiet but deep breath while looking at Pauline's snatch. She couldn't believe how enticing it looked. Not all that long ago Star would have felt ashamed for glimpsing it by accident. Now she was staring at it.

_"Does this make me a hypocrite? Well, I am a hypocrite, but in this case I think I can label this as payback."_

She started licking her lovers clit. Devouring it with all the subtlety of a pirate back from a months long sea voyage eating a peach.

_"Gotta get that vitamin C. Don't want to come down with scurvy."_

Star licked and licked; they could both feel the heat. Pauline moaned to life, lifting her hips slightly. As she took her first conscious breath of the day she asked.

"Soooo, I take it we are cool then?"

Star raised her her hand for what she intended to be a high five. Instead of slapping the hand Pauline entwined her fingers with Stars hand. Star stopped eating her, retracted her hand and her offer.

"Nah, we aren't cool just yet. I still want to take out a bit of vengeance on you."

"And what does that mean?"

Star grabbed Pauline's hips and flipped her over. Smacking her ass with authority. Pauline happily replied, "okay, I think I can work with this!"

Star growled, "shut up, that's not what I want to hear!"

Star slapped harder, then harder again. Pauline started to yelp with pain and pleasure. Star started alternating cheeks, not inflicting too much pain, just enough to get the point across.

Once the flesh started turning red Star crawled under and started giving oral pleasure again. Pauline's moans became deeper, sharper, louder. Star began holding back. She had become profoundly aware of what her lover wanted and slowed things down as much as she could.

 _"If Pauline is going to drag things out when she is driving then it is well past time that I figure out how to drag things out too_." She thought.

She experimented, she ran her teeth over sensitive surfaces. As Pauline started to recoil from this Star got backed up and flipped Pauline on her back. Her hands shot up to Pauline's breasts and she started really working on her. She wanted to get her undulating. She wanted her to move, she wanted her to make more noise. Every moan, every squeak, every shudder, every exhale of breath and inhale was another small victory. She wanted to drive her, she wanted to drive her to the same paroxysms of pleasure that she had driven her to. She wanted to pay her back for every cuddle, every kiss, every moment of pleasure. She wanted to be the yang to her yin, the light to her darkness, for once. She wanted to be the giver and she was enjoying every bit of it as she devoured her lovers sensuous flesh.

Pauline squirmed, moaned, whimpered. She was utterly lost, dominated.

Star became faintly aware that the undulations had started, it wasn't going to be long now. Star clamped her lips on Pauline's clit and sucked for dear life. She pinched her lover with as much force as she thought was prudent to hold off the inevitable. She added her own force to the undulation as her lover began to shriek.

_"Not as loud as I would have liked, but it's a start."_

Star lifted her head to see the quivering bowl of jelly where he lover had just been she thought in a detached, incredibly sarcastic tone.

_"Ah you wuss, I was just getting warmed up."_

It took awhile for Pauline to recover. Star just waited patiently for her to come back to consciousness. Once she did Star just said.

"I hope you aren't busy today. Because that was much too quiet for me. I want you to be louder that that, much louder."

Star gently placed her hand around Pauline's neck.

"And if I think you are faking it for one second I will have you court martialed, solider."

Somewhat baffled by everything, especially the language Star was using, Pauline asked.

"You aren't mad about what happened yesterday?"

Star replied in a detached tone.

"What happened yesterday? I don't remember."

Pauline replied in a mood of genuine concern.

"Oh no, I didn't give you brain damage did I? Did I give myself brain damage?"

Star sighed and finished.

"Geez, you really are a fucking nerd."

Star grabbed her lovers hips, flipped her over and slapped her on the ass again, hard, she jumped on her back and softly growled a demand into her ear right before she sank her teeth into her lovers shoulder.

"Now scream for me."


	17. Saudade.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter, wherein we take a little educational trip to the Republic of Mewni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daron Nefcy's original concept that led to Star vs the Forces of Evil was a bit different than the show it eventually became. Star was originally intended to be a normal girl with no magical abilities who loved Sailor Moon. While Marco was imagined to be a regular boy who loved Dragonball Z. 
> 
> And they were intended to be enemies. 
> 
> I consider the character of StarFan13 to be, amongst other things, a remnant of that original concept. 
> 
> How about we explore a variation of that theme?

In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,  
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;  
But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,  
and the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "If you don't work you die."

 

I mean, I know you're an eye but do you have to stare?

 

Pauline was unarmed.

This was unusual. She was unarmed and alone in a place she didn't recognize. In most of her dreams she was able to recognize some familiar element of where she was. Usually it was combined with a bunch of unfamiliar things, but she didn't recognize anything here. Also she had been able to bring her pistol with her. It had proven effective in the world of dreams against several monsters. So effective that she didn't feel the need to dream a bigger gun. It had become her totem, something to remind her when she was dreaming and when she wasn't.

She could help but get the feeling that there was a reason why she didn't have her gun.

It was a ruin, a strange mangling of high tech and medieval architecture. Dust covered everything. The floor was a jumble of strange, damaged things, a horn, shattered gemlike materials. And the remnants of what appeared to be a very large and powerful machine cannon.

Something blew past her, moving too fast to see. As she looked behind her she saw Star's spell, Cloudy moving behind her. She was going to ask what was going on but it vanished behind a door before she could say anything.

There had been a fight here, a damn ugly one. That much she knew. Nothing else.

She looked up and saw that there was a source of light coming towards her. She asked it.

"Well, here I am. What do you want to talk about?"

The light source was a magical being of some sort. An eye surrounded by flame. Pauline seized up. She didn't know what it was but it sure looked evil. Stars memories were shrieking at her; that this thing was dangerous. It freaked her out more than anything she had ever seen associated with Star's magic.

She was really missing her gun.

Pauline retained her nerve and asked.

"What are you?"

The eye blinked, showing a vision of a woman that Pauline guessed was this Hekapoo chick that she had heard so much about, saying.

"I was just doing my job."

Pauline asked.

"What was your job?"

It blinked again, this time it showed a large woman with purple hair in armor saying.

"I was forced to watch."

"Watch what?"

The eye showed images of Star and Marco together, in the most intimate way possible. Pauline didn't look away, she had written about this very scenario after all. She wasn't jealous at all of Marco like she would have been even a few years ago, after all, she knew how the story ends.

The eye blinked again, showing a very upset Janna screaming at Star.

"You're just as bad as he was!"

"Star?"

Another blink. This time it was Star dressed in a truly magnificent outfit, about to be coronated saying.

"Yes."

Pauline asked.

"No, I don't understand. Why are you showing me this?"

As the eye blinked again it showed a collection of clips of soldiers saying.

"Because I was forced to watch. I was forced to show Star exactly what she wanted. What she needed. I used to have so many to talk to here, they are almost all gone now. Those that were left don't talk to me. They hate me, they blame me. Everyone of them except.

It blinked and showed The Spider With a Top Hat with a smile on his face. The eye went back to showing the random soldiers and the occasional random Mewnian saying.

"They died so many times, that Star stopped, bringing them back. That didn't break Stars heart. I did."

Pauline asked in utter confusion.

"How did you break Stars heart? I didn't see you at Islakar."

The eye blinked, showing a collection of monsters speaking.

"Not her, him, Janna wasn't the only one who broke Star's heart. But she didn't help."

The eye began showing a scene of a grown up Marco standing with Hekapoo. Marco drank something multicolored out of a crystal goblet. They kissed, magic swirled around them both.

They collapsed to the floor and screamed. Their eyes changed color. Marco's eyes turned blue, then red. Hekapoo's eyes turned brown, then blue.

After lying there motionless for a moment they staggered back to their feet. Shortly after Star entered the scene via dimensional portal. A fight broke out immediately, Star beat them both.

Star started gesturing for a spell. It closely resembled the gestures for the black hole spell. She was aiming the wand at the unconscious Hekapoo. A door to the chamber flew open. A burly redheaded man in a suit, a female knight in armor, a bull monster and something that looked like an orange leprechaun ran into the room.

Before they made it to where Star was standing she aimed the wand and the spell at them.

The eye blinked. The men and monsters were gone. The room they were inside was destroyed. Marco was standing over Star, screaming at her.

Pauline had no idea what was happening. She shouted.

"No, I've had enough of this! I don't want to unearth one more goddamned thing from Star's memories. It's bad for her and it's bad for me. The last time I did it I lost a pint of blood! I don't want to rip things out of her anymore, I just want to take care of her!"

The eye took on a different appearance. It didn't look intense, otherworldly and evil anymore. It looked like it was trying to seem compassionate. A voice manifested out of nowhere. Neither masculine or feminine, but it certainly seemed to fit this... Being.

"It's always best to tell the truth. I forgot this. I only showed Star what she wanted to see. I needed to keep her in a good mood while she was fighting monsters. I failed her, I should have done my job. I should have showed her everything. The good and the bad. But I was afraid, afraid of exile, afraid of being alone..."

"I know I have no right to ask this. But I have to. Please tell Star that I failed in my duties and that I am sorry. But don't do it until after you talk to Marco. You need to get things straight with him before you do anything else. Goodbye Ms Long, I think I would have enjoyed being your mirror."

The eye burned away in its own flames.

Pauline looked around at the dimly lit chamber. She willed herself awake.

Pauline opened her eyes. Star was sleeping softly beside her. That was one of Star's spells talking to her. She didn't know that Star's spells were sentient. That added another level of horror about her friend that she didn't need to know. That those were creatures had lives of their own? That they might have had souls? And Star had been using them as ammunition? That those narwhals might have had their own thoughts and dreams and hopes? Shudder.

It also explained partly why Star's spells had become much less cute in the intervening years. It was much easier to see a bomb or a plasma pulse blow up instead of a sentient creature.

She had been thinking of going to Mewni for awhile and this seemed like the last push she needed.

She stared at the still sleeping Star. She had pushed Star so hard to open up, be truthful, be vulnerable. But she couldn't ask anymore of Star, she really didn't want to. She had to learn, or preferably, confirm the truth from another source.

She kept staring, monsters were one thing. Crazed Congolese soldiers were yet another. But if there was the possibility that Star had hurt two innocent people and two innocent monsters then she couldn't be with her. Star would be too dangerous to be around.

In her mind it was pointless to use memory bending or fractal energetic Ju jitsu again. Even if Star complied, (Pauline didn't imagine she would). But even if she did then Pauline would just be shown her memories which could be jumbled, unsecured, biased.

Never mind the fact that Star had already told her this story. One of precious few secrets that she hadn't physically pulled out of her.

She needed an external source of data. Much as she didn't want to even think of the name of her old romantic rival, who didn't even know he was her rival.

She needed Marco.

 

* * *

 

After breakfast Pauline asked.

"Star, I'm going out, do you mind if I take your scissors?"

"Yeah sure, that's fine."

As Pauline stepped outside she felt a little guilty. She did have a survey job in Canada. But it wasn't due for two weeks. In the intervening time she was going somewhere else, Mewni. Star had said so little about what was going on there that she had to investigate. She had questions that Star was probably not going to be in any mood to answer and she really didn't want to force her way back into her mind.

Pauline took out a picture, one of a handful that she had found amongst Star's things and the only one of Mewni. It was a picture of Star, Janna, Marco and some kind of a frog creature. Standing together and smiling in front of a wagon. Pauline focused on the location in the picture and made an incision in the fabric of spacetime.

Pauline stepped into the middle of a busy street. Bicycles, many of them electrically powered zoomed around her. She stepped over to the side as quickly as she could as traffic flowed around her and the closing dimensional portal. Before she could get a look around someone shouted.

"Who are you!?"

Behind her was what appeared to be a frog monster in a police uniform. He had his hand on what appeared to be a very large caliber revolver holstered on his hip and was speaking in a faint Russian accent.

"I ask you a question lady, who are you? Don't you know you aren't supposed to open up dimensional portals in the middle of a street?"

"I'm sorry, my name is Pauline, I'm from Earth. I'm a friend of..."

As she stopped talking the frog policeman asked.

"A friend of who?"

Pauline considered her next word very carefully, stating. "Marco Diaz."

"Oh, okay, he is not around here. He is at new parliament building. Three miles down this road, take a right, you can't miss it. Suppose you are bringing us some new toys?"

He said the last part with eyes wide open in joy.

"Um yeah, sure, I'm a geologist. I'm sure Marco can find some kind of use for me."

The frogman nodded and pointed down the road. "Just be more careful the next time you open a portal, okay!" He shouted over the din of traffic.

All around her were men and monsters. Walking, riding bicycles, driving incredibly crude trucks in all directions amidst the chaos of construction. The buildings were a crazy patchwork of architecture. Every style that Pauline had seen and a few she hadn't. All sorts of shops, businesses, parks, nightclubs, cinemas. A veritable plethora of commercial and entertainment opportunities. Here and there she noticed what were clearly people from Earth traveling in small groups, many of them looked even more overwhelmed than she did. Those who didn't look overwhelmed were surrounded by Mewmans and monsters, listening to their every word.

She also noticed that everyone, other than the Earthlings were armed, heavily. She had considered her 12 Gauge as being overkill before arriving. Now she felt seriously under gunned. Everyone had at least a sword or a bow, many had pistols. More than a few had rifles, most had shotguns. Or at least she assumed they were shotguns, most of them looked awfully crude and had bores that were larger than her familiar twelve gauge. She heard the flapping of a huge set of wings overhead. Looking up she saw what appeared to be a dragon carrying an artillery piece in lifting straps, as a helicopter would.

The new Mewni was a bustling metropolis with the feel of a frontier town. But as to which frontier was a bit confusing. Monsters mingled with gunslingers, horsemen and wooden wagons shared the streets with the occasional car and truck. All the while a technologically advanced infrastructure was being built. Water and sewage pipes, fiber optic cables and solar panels were being installed everywhere.

Pauline found it overwhelming, yet exhilarating. It was all so dynamic and alive. She chuckled at the realization that this was what many of her right wing libertarian and anarchist friends imagined as their ideal society. The gritty realities of technological progress, capitalism, minds and bodies unleashed to their full potential; atop the ruins of a fairytale kingdom.

She had been here before, kinda. In her explorations of different timelines she had been able to follow a few different variations of herself to Mewni. One of those variations had been invited to Mewni by Marco to Star's fifteenth birthday party. The party had been a disaster that almost ended in her, Star, Marco and a bunch of other people almost dying, but StarFan had still greatly appreciated the gesture. But all of those timelines had diverged years ago and she hadn't had time to explore much past where the variations had gone more than a few months off her timeline.

She walked on, determined to find Marco. Her feelings towards Marco growing ever more complicated with every step. On the one hand she hated Marco for "taking Star" from her. However, now that she was a grown adult she knew that Marco had taken nothing from her. Whatever they may have shared in other timelines. Whatever bad blood there was between him and Star. This variant had been nothing more and nothing less to her than a friend.

In the other timelines though, by some circumstance she poorly understood. She and Marco and Star had been lovers. She still had issues with that, as much as she liked the idea she also hated it for various complex reasons.

It also didn't help that in her own timeline she may have loved Marco once, or perhaps a few times. Upon a dream.

StarFan13 felt like her heart was about to explode out of her chest as she walked on.

She found the parliament building fairly easily. Like almost every other building it was unfinished. Guarded by two men and what appeared to be a pair of minotaurs. The men were armed with simple submachine guns. They looked a lot like World War Two vintage Russian PPS-43s. The minotaurs were armed with what looked like pump action grenade launchers, too big for any Mewman or human to use.

The men stopped her and asked her business.

"I'm here to see Marco."

They looked her up and down, one of the men stated. "Alright, it looks like you are from Earth, you probably got lost looking for lunch or something. Prime Minister Diaz is busy at the moment, but we can have you talk to the secretary of economics. If you surrender your weapons."

Pauline nodded politely and unholstered her pistol. As she handed them the Shockwave she stated. "You guys are much more polite than most guards I know."

All of them smiled back at her as they waited for the secretary. Pauline looked back at the new Mewni and wondered who this secretary was.

After about ten minutes a young man with thinning red hair and a big red beard, dressed in a suit walked up. Pauline thought he looked kinda familiar. Then she recognized him, she had seen him in the All Seeing Eye spell. She blinked.

"Ferguson!?"

He blinked.

"StarFan!?"

He ran to her and enveloped her in a crushing hug. She crushed him right back. They laughed, almost crying. Pauline pulled out of the hug and said.

"You look great!"

"You aren't looking all that bad yourself."

"No seriously Ferg, ten years ago you were a little fireplug. You look... Well you look like a Viking raider on Wall Street now! What have you been doing this past decade?"

"I guess you could say I'm a mechanic, I fix things."

One of the minotaurs spoke in a booming voice.

"He sells himself short miss. Secretary O'durguson is the architect of the Mewnian Renaissance."

Ferguson looked down at his feet and blushed. "No I'm not, Von Mises, Murray Rothbard and the Mewnian people did all the heavy lifting. I just shared some books and ideas, I didn't do that much."

Another guard spoke, "sir, you single handedly eliminated starvation and nutritional disease in the realm. That is not nothing sir!"

Ferguson blushed harder and raised his hand. Inviting her.

"Come in, come on, we have so much to talk about, StarFan. Oh, you probably don't go by StarFan13 anymore do you?"

As they walked she explained. "No, I go by Pauline Long nowadays. Ferg, it's really great to see you but I have some hard questions to ask."

"Shoot."

"What happened between Marco and Star?"

Ferguson stopped and gasped. "Oh dear, oh no. Um, well, I shouldn't tell you. You are going to have to ask Marco about that. Even though I was there I don't want to put any words in his mouth."

The conversation was drowned out by incredibly loud shouting. At first Pauline thought that the place was under attack. As Ferguson led her to a balcony she saw what was happening.

Around a hundred men and women were gathered together arguing over what sounded like a bill to establish a university. She couldn't tell exactly because every time someone said something, someone else tried to drown them out. The tone of the discourse was growing more heated with every second until finally a man hurled a table lamp across the hall and a melee broke out.

Within moments security swarmed the hall. Men and monsters in crisp green uniforms pulled the first fighting politicians apart. In the middle of it all stood Marco Diaz.

Pauline's jaw dropped, he was at least six foot three now. The parliament building was comfortably warm, yet he was wearing layers of clothes under a long coat and a thick scarf. All of which made him look even more imposing. Yet under all those layers of clothes he looked cold, much more pale than she ever remembered him looking. No one else in the building looked like they were wearing half as much clothing as he was. Besides the lighter shade of his skin Pauline was saddened by the look of frustration that appeared to have become permanently etched on his face. Pounding away with a gavel he shouted.

"This matter is tabled, security has the floor. Knock it off right now you lunatics!"

As security dragged the troublemakers out of the hall and everyone else began to filter away he put his hands on the table and exhaled in resignation. He looked up to Pauline. He cocked his head sideways in confusion as their eyes met. A flicker of recognition danced through his mind. Pointing the gavel at her, he asked.

"You look familiar. Who are you?"

"My name is Pauline, but you probably remember me as StarFan13."

More confusion, "um, okay, it's nice to see you again, it's been awhile. What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk someplace private?"

He sighed and said, "yeah sure, it's not like today's business isn't completely fucked!" He shouted as he threw away the gavel. "Ferg, take her to my office."

The office was a short walk away, before she went inside Ferguson hesitated. She asked.

"You aren't coming in?"

"Ah, I don't know what I would contribute to your conversation. My office is just down the hall and when I hear Marcos door open I will take you to my place and we can catch up. Something tells me that you and him should be alone."

Marco's office was big and cluttered. Papers, books and computers were strewn everywhere. The walls were a shade of dark red and austere except for a few pictures and a few weapons. With a small sword in a place of prominence.

Marco arrived moments after Pauline. Alone together, he locked the front door and checked a device which looked like a lantern in the middle of the room. Marco noticed that Pauline looked a little puzzled by it and explained what it was.

"Anti-magic emitter."

"Why do you need it?"

"A bunch of reasons, the big one being that there is a certain exiled queen who has a spell that can spy on me anywhere I am and use it to completely wreck my life and the lives of my friends."

"A spell that can what? Are you talking about Star?"

Marco walked over to a big leather chair and sat down with his feet on a pile of papers next to his massive desk, trying to look as casual and aloof as possible, stating.

"Who else would I be talking about? I'm sorry if I seem impatient. I'm genuinely glad to see you, under other circumstances I would love to catch up over drinks. But I don't have time to do that right now. I don't have time for anything it seems. What are you doing here? Star doesn't live in Mewni anymore."

The anti-magic emitter made Pauline feel deeply uneasy. She could feel the devices effects. Sitting in the middle of the room like a heat sink. Only it wasn't drawing heat, it was drawing energy out of the room. It made her feel like she was standing feet away from an object so cold that if she touched it, it would mean instant death. "How can Marco live with this awful thing?" she wondered. She tried to ignore the increasing feeling of deadly cold in the room and spoke.

"I know Star isn't here, she is on Earth, she has told me some very interesting stories about you and a woman named Hekapoo. Her stories seem to have a few holes in them so I came here to investigate."

Marcos face lit up as he fumfured.

"Oh, okay, hmm."

"Hmm what? What do you mean hmm?"

"I mean she is insane."

"I have noticed that, I have been helping her."

"Helping her? Really!? She is letting you help her?"

"I admit that "Letting" could be subject to debate. Some might say that I am forcing her to heal. Doing psychotherapeutic surgery on her as it were. I think she has made a lot of progress."

"Interesting, I wouldn't have thought a wanted fugitive would have any time for psychotherapy. My question remains though, what are you doing here?"

"I have Star's version of the events of your breakup. But I want, no, I need to get the truth about you, Star and Hekapoo."

Marco took his feet off the stack of papers and looked much more somber as he asked.

"What did she tell you?"

"That Hekapoo spent sixteen years testing you. And that Star caught you screwing about a year ago. Went berserk, almost killed the both of you and ran away to France."

Marco shook his head with an expression of irony, opened a drawer and took out a framed photo. Sliding it across the desk to a position just under Pauline's gaze, asking.

"Do you remember her?"

"Of course, that's Jackie Lynn Thomas."

"Do you know what happened to her?"

"I think she became a stuntwoman after she graduated high school, I think. I haven't seen her in years. She was nice but we didn't talk much in school and we didn't keep in contact with each other."

He smiled wistfully and replied.

"It's good to hear that she is doing well."

He slammed his fist into the desk and shouted.

"She was supposed to be mine!"

Hearing the rage and volume in his voice caused Pauline to jump backward. She had never imagined Marco was capable of sounding so angry, he continued in a quieter but still furious tone.

"I chased her for years, then Star blows into town and turns my life into utter chaos! I don't know what my life would have been if I had never met Star but I know it would have been much simpler. I barely understood the concept of a multiverse, I didn't believe in magic at all. Then along comes this bright eyed, bouncy little girl with more firepower than a nuclear submarine and all the self control of a fucking junkie! Rainbows!? Fiery fucking rainbows! That should have been enough of a warning to everyone on earth that Star is a walking disaster! 'Oh no this is a little girl who makes puppies, she looks so cute and harmless let's give her a little boy to be her handler.' Because of this I find that I have responsibilities. Not just normal teenager responsibilities like learning to drive or shaving, oh no no no. I find out that whole civilizations might go extinct if I pull the wrong lever! Do you have any idea how stressful it was taking care of her!?"

Pauline shook her head in the negative.

"Lucky you, you didn't get dragged into much of what we did back then. If you had I don't think you would have called yourself StarFan for very long. I swear I don't know how I survived my first year with her."

Marco leaned back in his chair, returning to a relaxed posture.

"Then I met Hekapoo, she was the first person I met in the rest of the multiverse who understood responsibility, and they deride her for that. 'Oh, that Hekapoo chick is crazy y'all!' When we met she explained that I had been using stolen property and that I had to be held responsible. I was so amazed to finally meet someone in the wider multiverse who understood responsibility that I played her game. I didn't think that "winning that game" would take 16 years though."

He looked down at his arm. Remembering everything that he and that arm went through together. So much learned, about magic, the wider multiverse and about himself. He forced himself back into the moment he was in, he couldn't afford to think about HIM right now and pushed out the thoughts of that distant past.

"All the while Star is just bouncing along being Star. She never acknowledged anything she was doing until it was too late."

He buried his face in his hands and sighed.

"After those sixteen years I was a man, more of a man than I ever conceived I could have become if I had grown up on Earth. I had a body that could withstand the exploding plains of Flendor. I built a hot air ballon out of the garbage of a medieval world. I was at the end of my quest, I had just gotten my own pair of dimensional scissors. But that was nothing compared to what I thought was to come. I had completely forgotten my life on Earth. As far as I was concerned I was a subject of Hekapoo's realm. The "ruler" of that realm respected me. I had spent so much time snuffing out her clones that we had gotten to know each other, really well. She had become the thing I wanted most in the multiverse. Not the scissors, her, Star, my own family, Jackie, were a faded memory by that point. All I could think about was Hekapoo, and I was two inches away from having her."

"Then Star barges in! I told her I wanted to stay, she talked me out of it. Having her in the room made me think like the naive little boy I had been all those years ago. So I went back with her. I believed that after everything I had been through that I could handle anything life threw at me. Well I couldn't even imagine what happened next. The second I step through that portal, wham! I'm back in my fourteen year old body."

"I couldn't handle it. I couldn't go back to where I was. I was a man in a boy's body. Oh lord how I tried to live that life. I even went back to dating Jackie, I can't describe how profoundly uncomfortable that was. I couldn't help but feel that I had lost sixteen years of work because of Star. I had seen too much, I knew too much, I knew what was really out there in the wider multiverse. When Star left for Mewni I had to follow her. I was more comfortable on any world in the multiverse than on Earth."

He looked her square in the eye and asked. "Hekapoo's realm is a dump. But those who there live as well as they can under the circumstances. Do you know what I found here on Mewni?"

Pauline shook her head again. Marco exploded.

"An entire planet filled with people dumber and more irresponsible than Star! You wouldn't believe it! These people were, by a margin, the dumbest and most irresponsible people I had ever seen."

"But it wasn't their fault, that's the worst part. They weren't dumb, they had been kept in a state of ignorance for as long as anyone could remember. I had to save them, lucky for everyone the monsters that Star and I had been fighting turned out to be downright reasonable when you aren't shooting them in the face. They understood responsibility, so I brought them in. Then the hard part started."

He breathed deeply. With a look of utter exhaustion he asked.

"Do you know how hard it is to turn a medieval society into a modern one?"

Pauline stated the obvious answer. "Really, really hard?"

"Oh yes, there's a reason why it took awhile for the Renaissance to happen back on Earth. First you have to get people educated to the point where they don't think that mushrooms cause demonic possession, or that you can eat rotten meat without getting sick. Never mind things like how to make a concrete road, penicillin, steam engines. I have had to explain cause and effect to everyone here at least once."

He walked to the window, looking down on the busy streets nearby, his tone changed as he smiled. "I had help, Ferguson and a few other friends from Echo Creek. I never could have done all this without them."

He looked back and continued.

"It looks like you are wondering, "what does this have to do with Hekapoo?" It comes down to the fact that she is much more than just the forger of dimensional scissors. She is a living manifestation of something that most people refuse to acknowledge, a challenge. A challenge to rise to adversity instead of lamenting it. To take the biggest shit sandwich the universe can serve you and turn it into something useful, something beautiful. To take the trauma of your life and craft it into things that are the glory of mankind, monsterkind, any life form. To live a life greater than what you thought was possible. Most people don't even know they are being challenged. They can't see that the garbage that rains down on them is just a starting gun to get to work and show the universe what they are really made of. How could I not fall in love with an incarnation of those principles?"

"Star... She could never see things that way, the only way she knew how to solve problems were by blowing them to bits. She never met a challenge that she didn't try to solve with raw firepower first. She, she summoned monsters to open her locker! She always had problems with abstraction, metaphors, or subtlety. Even when she rescued me from Toffee..."

He groaned in exasperation at the memory. He literally hit his head against the wall, albeit gently.

"I was trapped in a glass box which was resistant to magical attacks. It should have been clear as day that no explosion in the world could get me out of that. So what does she do? she smashed the box with an explosion. Then when that didn't work she blew up her own, damn, wand! The chaos that set into motion! Yet more explosions. Then she tried to rescue Ludo by blowing up the wand again! Which played right into the hands of the lizard we were fighting."

 "She had no idea the risk she was taking doing that. It came very close to leaving everyone at the mercies of a true monster. I'm not saying she should have left me, or Ludo there to die. I'm just saying that she needed to handle those incidents with a little more creativity than boom boom bye bye."

"After she destroyed the wand the second time I started to wonder what was really going on in her head. When I saw her mortally wound Toffee... with a smile on her face. That was when I realized that there was something deeply wrong with all of this. It only got worse when Eclipsa showed up, ugh, I'm still picking bits of people out of my hair who were blown up in their little war."

"After we beat Eclipsa things calmed down around here enough that I got the chance to look at the actual history of Mewni. I thought I would get to know Star by getting to know her family. Has she told you much about them?"

"Not really, Star is awfully tight lipped about her family. All she will say about them is that they were not very good rulers."

"She never wanted to discuss them with me either, there is a reason for that. With a few exceptions here and there, they were a pack of lunatics! Throughout the history of this realm it has been ruled by a series of queens who were only in power by their mastery of magic. The Kings weren't really any better. The rest of the government..."

Marco sighed.

"Was like a combination of medieval England and North Korea. As bizarre as it may sound, that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. The sins of her ancestors, their determination to maintain power at any cost. If they had shared their magical power as opposed to rationing it out in dribs and drabs. Usually just during monster attacks who knows what Mewni would have become? I concluded that if Star was like them in any way that I couldn't bring myself to be with her anymore."

"It took seven years until I was able to take the time to research this. It took another two to work up the courage to approach Hekapoo. I told her how I felt about her, how I felt about Star and I asked what we were going to do about it. She told me that she was impressed by what I had done with Mewni. And that she genuinely liked me. However we couldn't be together because of a particularly powerful spell. One of the demon prince Tom's little ploys that... backfired on him. The spell meant that Star and I were destined to be together forever."

The tone of his voice shifted from exhaustion to grim determination.

"But that's the thing about magic. Despite what some fools who know nothing about actual magic believe. Anything that has been made, can be unmade. No matter how powerful a spell is, it can be undone. Even the multiverse itself can be unmade. How strong can a spell be after all of reality is gone? Hekapoo found a ritual that broke the blood moon spell. However that spell hadn't been used in thousands of years, she didn't know that there would be side effects. As soon as the spell was cast my mind merged with Hekapoo's and Star's. She knew exactly how I felt about her, her family, and everything she had done to me. And I knew exactly how she felt about me."

He sat back down, "that hurt, the worst hurt I have ever felt. We had both been so busy with our own stuff that we hadn't talked in months and, obviously, we had never talked about the serious stuff. Star had only the faintest idea of what she had done. She had felt a little guilty about taking me away from Jackie, but she had no idea about everything else she had put me through. What I had gone through in Hekapoo's dimension, what I had found out about her family. What really hurt though, was finding out that she wasn't anything like her family. She hadn't been sent for brainwashing at St Olga's like the princesses of so many other realms. Her time on Earth had shown her that there were so many better ways to run a society."

Marco hung his head as his tone went from one of sadness to one of shame.

"I also learned what she had been going through. That the campaign had pushed her past the breaking point, all that was keeping her going after all those years was the thought of coming back to me."

Marco stared at StarFan grimly.

"Star had an unreliable spell, or at least I was under the impression that it was an unreliable spell. The All Seeing Eye. The one time I saw her use it, it backfired spectacularly. It turned out though that the spell worked just fine when Eclipsa wasn't screwing with it. Which she happened to be doing the only time I saw it cast. I had completely forgotten about it but Star had been using it to keep track of me. She had also kept one of my hoodies and... I'll spare you the details. She had been keeping much closer tabs on me with this spell than I thought was possible. Yet she had no idea how deeply un satisfied I was with her... Her out of control fantasies had escalated me from her best friend to this, this... impossible golden god character who was fixing everything in the multiverse. She believed that as soon as she was done slaughtering escaped monsters that her life was going to snap into something resembling perfection as soon as she could spend time with me..."

"And I had just taken that away from her."

Marco breathed deeply.

"Once the ritual ended I knew Star was coming back, and that she was going to bring hell with her. She was exhausted from defeating a force of seventy monsters, awake for three days straight. As soon as our minds disentangled, she opened a portal straight into the room where Hekapoo and I had done the ritual."

"We fought, all three of us. Well, Star vs us. Even in her weakened state she beat us like a drum. It was like fighting someone armed with an antiaircraft gun and all you have is a feather duster. Star was just about to kill Hekapoo when..."

Marco gulped, tears began to flow again. He looked back out towards the courtyard and pushed out the words.

"Ferguson ran in along with a knight and a couple of monsters. Star couldn't finish the spell and it came out wrong. It exploded, smashing a huge part of Mewni castle. Miraculously no one was killed, although Ferg broke an arm and one of the monsters broke both his legs."

"That got Star to hesitate just long enough for me to punch her in the head as hard as I could. I got the wand away from her and screamed, 'look what you have done!' She knew that she had crossed a line. She understood why I had performed the ritual. She knew why the both of us, and her whole line, was done. Yet she had one last thing for me. She knew that without the wand she couldn't kill Hekapoo. After three days of fighting she didn't have the strength to beat me in hand to hand. So she asked me."

"Marco, do you remember that dance you went to with Jackie? Took you to a park afterwards, tried to teach you how to skateboard?"

"Yes, how do you know about that?"

"I know about that because I saw it, then I sabotaged it. I blew up Jackie's wheels. Then when you and me and her went to that little concert? I came that close to killing you both! But I didn't, because I felt that I needed you at the time, well I don't need you anymore, you treasonous little worm. Goodbye Karate Boy."

"I knew she wasn't lying, I still had echoes of Star's memories in my mind from the entanglement. I could still see the All Seeing Eye page in the book of spells. I could see her in the cemetery, looking at us. I could see her envy when she sabotaged Jackie's skateboard. I could feel her shame and rage when she blew up that billboard."

"I also saw that she didn't do it on purpose, that both times it was her overactive feelings getting the better of her. That didn't matter though. She wanted to hurt me as hard as she could and she had succeeded. While I was hesitating she sucker punched me, got her wand and cut her way out of there. Ever since then I have never been too far from an anti-magic generator. These things drive Hekapoo nuts! She has been looking for Star across the multiverse for the past year. She says that she wants Star to pay for blowing up the castle. I think Hekapoo just wants her locked up so she can use her full abilities on me. Personally I, I don't know what would happen if Hekapoo caught up to her. The thought of them fighting again terrifies me, Hekapoo says that she can take Star down but the thought of her dying..."

Marco shook his head in frustration.

"The next time you see Star, you tell her that I fucked up and I'm sorry, okay!? But she is still charged with 20,000 bezants worth of property damage, five counts of assault with a deadly weapon and one count of attempted godslaughter."

Pauline thought she was going to start laughing uncontrollably at the word godslaughter. Marco continued.

"Could Star surrender without a fight? what would she say during a trial? Should there even be a trial? Mewni castle was the property of her family. Any lawyer with half a brain could argue temporary insanity or at least diminished capacity under the circumstances. I probably should have done the ritual after talking to her but I didn't want to run the risk of her having any more magical advantages over me in a struggle than she already had. This whole thing is completely fucked. Most people here don't even care about the royal family anymore, they are moving on with their lives. Forgiving and forgetting, perhaps that's for the best."

Pauline could barely stand. Her body felt like it was about to freeze into dust while her brain was so overwhelmed that it might as well have been on fire. Marco gestured towards a chair. As she collapsed into it, he asked sternly.

"So, what are you going to do now that you have the rest of the story?"

"I, I just don't know, that's, wow. I mean what Star told me was messed up but... Wow."

Marco looked at Pauline a little closer and asked.

"We have gotten rid of most of the more cruel and unusual punishments on the books here. But since Roderick's uprising Godslaughter has been a very serious charge in Mewni. Anyone convicted is sentenced to be buried in molten metal. If I were Star I probably would have...

Marco stopped and examined Pauline's cheeks  

"I'm sorry but I have to ask, those marks on your cheeks. Those aren't makeup are they?"

"No, I got them after I got sucked into the wand."

"Oh no, please don't tell me that you and Star are magically bonded!?"

"I don't know, I think we might be. It would take a long time to explain but it's not like we have sworn eternal loyalty to each other over a cup of rams blood or anything like that."

Marco took a step to the side, double checked the emitter and shook his head with an expression of fear.

"It doesn't have to be, Star is so insane and ludicrously overpowered that you could be bound to her by sharing a toothbrush. She might have done it unconsciously. She is incredibly dangerous, I can't stress that enough."

Trying to muster some confidence Pauline stated in defiance.

"You let me worry about that. It has been nice talking to you Marco, but I think I should be going. Oh, and when you see her you tell Hekapoo that if she shows up at my house to try to take Star... she will be in for a hell of a fight."

Marco walked over to her. Grabbing her by the shoulders he stated. "Listen, I understand what you are thinking, I probably know what you are thinking better than anyone else in the multiverse. You want to protect her, but you need to know that she is completely out of her mind. She needs to be handled with extreme caution. If you decide that you are better off without our help, then I will let you go. We are all about freedom in the new Mewni. But you can come back here anytime and we can come up with a plan to settle this on the best terms possible. There has already been enough heartbreak and chaos in all this for a dozen lifetimes."

He let go of her shoulders and extended his hand.

"I know that we didn't know each other all that well in school, but I hope that you give me a chance to earn your trust, Pauline."

Pauline shook his hand, staring him down. She thought, " _dear god, he even talks like a politician now. He doesn't sound a thing like that young man I used to know."_ She stormed down to Ferguson's office and shouted at him.

"Can we talk!? anywhere besides here!"

Ferguson got up and said, "yes, there is a restaurant I like not far from here."

As Marco heard their footfalls fade he asked.

"You get all of that H-pooh?"

A side door opened to a conference room.

"Earth, so that's where she has been hiding. No wonder I haven't been able to find her. I never would have thought she would be stupid enough to go back there."

Marco observed.

"We should have remembered who we are talking about. Star was never very good at strategic thinking. Some of the new arrivals from Earth told me about an assassination in France awhile ago that sounded like it had Star's fingerprints all over it. I should have told you the moment I heard."

Hekapoo shrugged and observed.

"Don't worry about it. Most of those rumors were nonsense. There are plenty of fake magical girls on Earth. It was a perfect place for a real one to hide. It's not unprecedented, Loveberry hid out there for a good long time as well. Look at it this way. Now that I know where she is, we can settle this once and for all."

The flame sorceress spun him away from the windows, throwing her hands around his neck. Showing off her fangs with a slightly deranged smile.

"Once I have her in custody I'm going to go completely insane. I'm going to show you things, Karate Boy, things that will make you forget your own name!"

Hekapoo kissed him softly. Marco pried himself out of her grasp and walked over to the emitter. He shut it off, causing Hekapoo's flame to immediately double in size. He took it to the door and handed it to an intern outside, ordering.

"Take this to storage, I am not to be disturbed for the rest of the day unless it is a world ending emergency."

As the intern walked away he discarded his coat and his gloves. Hekapoo was struggling to get her flame back under control. As Marco began removing layers of clothing, she asked.

"Marco, what are you doing?"

"I don't think Star is watching. If she isn't then we have nothing to worry about. If she is then she is about to get a hell of a show. That will hurt her more than any prison sentence."

He wrapped his scarf around her neck. He used it to force her towards him. Marco felt Hekapoo's neck and face. She was solid now, he exerted more force on the scarf. Holding her tighter than he had been able to in a year. He whispered in her ear.

"I'm tired of being cold, bring the heat, all of it."

Her hand coiled towards the back of his head. With a reflexive reaction he grabbed her hand and growled.

"But if you burn my hair again, I swear that I am going to cut us a portal that opens up a mile under the ice of Antarctica!"

The fire between her horns erupted. Magical flame consumed her clothes first, then what little Marco still had on, not harming either of them. Marco just stood there, relishing the flames. He felt like a Phoenix, returning to life. Gradually it cooled to mere warmth, the warmth of each other's bodies, just being able to hold each other was... indescribable. Before he gave in to passion Marco had to ask one thing.

"Why did you wait for me for the past year Hekapoo? You could have moved on, put all this behind you. Started a new Magical High Commission, gotten your old life back."

She smiled, subtly but kindly and replied.

"Because you waited for me, for twenty three years! I have all the time in the universe, what's another year or two to me? I gave myself to you. I sent two hundred clones after you. I didn't feel jealous when you captured a few of them. They were me after all, and I would have continued to send clones after you until you were ready for me."

She shoved him onto the desk, hungrily kissing her way down his body. Half mad with desire. He may not have been the tattooed biker-demigod that he was in her dimension. But he had taken good care of himself during his reign over Mewni. He knew he had to do everything to improve his physical strength to maintain respect in a society like this. Hekapoo breathed in his musk. Her face shot up for a moment as she announced sarcastically.

"This had better be worth the wait!"

Marcos hands slammed into her hips. As he switched their positions he growled.

"Well, let's find out together!"

He began licking all over her. Traceries of magical flame danced over her body wherever they made contact. Marco savored every inch of her, of her insatiable spirit, of her incomparable design. Her curves, her spikes. Sharp and soft all at once. An irresistible contrast.

She giggled, she giggled uncontrollably as he kissed. Even after everything she had put him through he was still so gentle.

Marco noticed this excess of politeness and shoved her head down. She got the message and began to apply oral pleasures.

Marco realized that was a mistake. With her technique he knew he wasn't going to last long. He needed to get the situation under control again and pulled out of her. He picked her up, slammed her into his desk then slammed into her.

He breathed in her warmth and began moving. A year of having to make do with clones and her diminished form had driven him half mad. The clones had been an awful lot of fun. But that was like making do with unlimited breadsticks when a whole buffet of rich, delicious, widely varied foods was waiting.

Technique and care went flying out the window as Marco relished that which he had been taunted with for all this time. The original Hekapoo, the real Hekapoo, a Hekapoo who wasn't going to vanish in a puff of smoke as soon as this was over.

Hekapoo returned his fury with fury of her own. Grasping him, not being at all careful at all with her spikes and horns.

Marco ravaged her. Going wild with passion. He knew that she could handle it, and that she loved it. She wasn't human or Mewman, she was something far older and in many ways, much tougher. He knew he wouldn't be able to maintain the pace for very long. He was still cold and diminished on the inside. Now that he knew they would have plenty of time together he felt no need to restrain himself.

Hekapoo collapsed on the desk. Marco collapsed onto the floor.

He pulled himself up to her dangling legs. Satisfied that she hadn't poofed out of existence like a clone would have, he asked.

"Could you sense it on her? If I noticed it then you had to have noticed."

Between pants Hekapoo observed.

"Yes, it seems the power of the wand has been split again, between Star and her. It's not like when Ludo, got the other half of the wand though. This is more subtle, honest, precise. That woman is way more confident with magic and no wand than Ludo could have ever hoped to be."

In an anxious tone he wondered. "Precise, confident? We are doomed aren't we? Confidence is what makes an serious villain. Toffee had confidence, Eclipsa had confidence. When he had the wand Ludo had no confidence and all the magical skill of a walrus trying to play a harp. But when he worked with Toffee he leveled half the realm."

Marco hesitated as he somberly stated. 

"He almost killed you."

"Yes, but that woman isn't Ludo, or Toffee, or Eclipsa, or Star for that matter. She might be the key to solving this."

As Marco began to put his clothes back on asked.

"What do you mean?"

"If the power of the wand is split again then it means that Star is only working with half of her power. I don't think that's what's happening here though. It looks like this woman has taken the bulk of the wands power for herself."

"Taken the power? How is that possible?"

"I don't know! how did Toffee turn all that magic into green death goop? Where did Eclipsa get all her talent from? Where did Roderick get all his charisma from? I don't know. That's one of the things about magic, every now and then something comes along that makes absolutely no sense. Until you study it and you find out it does make sense."

Marco blinked at the metaphor. He had never thought of it that way. He asked.

"If that's the case then doesn't that mean that we have to take her out instead of Star? Did you see what she left at the security gate? Guns, really big and fancy ones! Never mind any magical abilities that she may have; I don't think she was kidding about putting up a hell of a fight if you show up."

Hekapoo smiled as she sat up, manifesting a replacement gown.

"I'm not going to fight her. When you were talking about responsibility to her. You could see in her body language that she understood every word you said. Having someone with a sense of responsibility with the wand has to be better than having a berserk child soldier wielding that kind of power."

While he pulled on his clothes Hekapoo noticed the picture on his desk. She took a good long look at the image of Jackie. She could see what he had seen in this girl, beautiful eyes, nice hair, wonderful figure. She looked like she had a strength that belied her small frame. Hekapoo respectfully put the picture back in the desk drawer as she asked.

"You still think about her don't you?"

"Star? I wish I didn't, you have noooo idea how much I want to put all this behind me."

"Not Star, Jackie."

"Oh. Jackie? I try not to. All those years I spent chasing her, just to find out that she really did like me. Then everything with Star. It hurts too much to think about her."

Hekapoo walked over to him as he threw his long coat back on. Enveloping him in a hug she murmured in his ear. "Chasing after girls for years, that seems to be a... habit with you Mr Diaz."

"It's the way too many people are on Earth. We play games with each other when we need to be serious. We are serious when we need to play games. It all comes down to a lack of sincerity."

He brushed her hair off of her right eye. Letting the hand linger on her face. Staring into her eyes with an expression of deep affection.

"That's what I love most about you, you are the most sincere being I have ever met."

She smiled back at him and asked.

"You didn't really mean all that stuff about me being some kind of a manifestation of some grand idea of rising to challenges did you? I have never seen anything like that on my resume."

Marco replied. "I meant every, damn, word. It's what you are, wether you like it or not. At least that's what you are to me H-pooh."

Her eyes appeared to well up. Though she was not physically capable of crying she sure felt like it as she demanded.

"How the fuck do you make me feel like a little girl? And how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that!?"

"You don't get flustered easily. I love to see you flustered. There's just something that really gets my rocks off about pissing off immortal beings."

"So that's what you are now? Fleshwad. The one who enrages immortals?"

"Don't tell me that you don't love it."

She turned around, back towards him, in a submissive pose. Letting him hold her in his strong arms.

"Yeah, it makes me feel alive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All_Possible_Worlds I swear to god I had this chapter written before you sent me that... Image. If you would like to post it in a comment below go right ahead. I haven't figured out how to post pics on this site yet.


	18. The return of the Gods of the Copybook Headings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, best summarized as Star gets kinda... Tsundere.

Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew.  
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true.  
That All is not Gold that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four  
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.

 

Pauline spent most of the rest of the day wandering around Mewni with Ferguson. They were both amazed by their respective transitions to adulthood. Pauline made it clear that she was delighted to find out that Ferg had grown into this upstanding, respectable young man. Ferguson illustrated that he was very happy to see that Pauline had also outgrown her awkward teenage years.

Yet all the wonderful new things around them in the Republic of Mewni were little more than background noise to the strife in Pauline's mind. She really didn't have any clue what to do next. She was scared to the point of paranoia at the thought of going home, but she knew that she was going to have to confront Star about all this at some point.

Finally Pauline realized that she couldn't drag this out any longer. She exchanged phone numbers with Ferguson and told him that she had to go. She drew the scissors and made a portal to her backyard. She still didn't have the confidence to open a portal in her living room.

Star was in the living room, assembling a model of the clipper ship Thermopylae, she asked cheerfully.

"Hey, what happened? I've been trying to get in contact with you forever."

As she entered the room Pauline lied.

"My phone was on the fritz."

Star asked in a tone of genuine concern.

"Is everything okay? You look like you were in a car crash."

"Star, can we go outside?"

Pauline just knew that whatever was going to happen next was going to be ugly and doing this outside would minimize damage.

Star tilted her head sideways and replied, "okay... Why?"

"You will see in a moment, let's just go outside for now."

They stepped outside, Pauline sat down on a lawn chair and sighed. Planting her face in her hands in shame she let fly with the truth.

"Star, I didn't go to Canada on this trip. I went to Mewni."

"What! Why?"

I had to get Marco's side of the story."

"You, you talked to Marco!?"

"Yes, he told me his side of the story, Hekapoo, your family... Ferguson."

Star fell to her knees, catatonic.

After a minute of silent waiting Pauline asked, "Star, are you okay?"

"Okay? Okay? No, I'm about as fucking far from okay as I can get right now."

Star leapt upward, pulling Pauline out of the chair by the scruff of the neck, lifting her off her feet.

"Are you working with them now? Did you tell them where I am!?"

"No! I am not working for anyone, but I did tell them you were living with me."

Star dropped her and stormed back into the house. Grabbing her monocular and wand. Using the monocular she scanned around the neighborhood murmuring. "Okay, where are you, you flaming bitch!" She spotted an anomalous heat signature and incanted, "bunny rabbit blast!" Sending her flying towards a run down van parked near the end of the driveway. Star landed on it, crumpling the roof, screaming.

"Get out of there right now!"

The rear door opened as a female voice stated, "don't shoot Butterfly! I'm just a clone."

"You think I don't know that! If you weren't you would be dead already. What are you doing here?"

"Just surveillance, your majesty. I don't want to hurt you..."

She took a moment to finish the sentence.

"Even if the feeling clearly isn't mutual."

Star snarled.

"Why haven't you attacked yet?"

The Hekapoo clone exited the van. As she did her camouflage spell broke. She went from looking like a nondescript but attractive human female to her usual horned flame sorceress self. With her hands up she stated.

"Believe it or not I come in peace. Mewni doesn't have an extradition treaty with the US, I can't arrest you, as much as I want to."

"Since when do you care about shit like that?"

"It's Marco, not me, you know him, he insists on doing eeeeverything by the book."

"How do I know that you won't go back on your word if you get your treaty?"

"Well, you don't. You are just going to have to live with that. Although you probably won't have to for very long. It's only a matter of time before you fuck up here like you fucked up everywhere else. After you level a town and slaughter a SWAT team or two the Feds will be begging me to take you down."

Star jumped off the van, still pointing the wand at the clone. There was nothing in the world she wanted more than to kill this woman, preferably a couple hundred times. Pauline shouted.

"Don't do it Star, don't give her the satisfa... Holy shit!" As Pauline ran up with her pistol in hand she was temporarily rendered speechless by Hekapoo's striking appearance. Beautiful but demonic, a blurry image or two snatched from someone's mind is one thing. Actually seeing something as strange as Hekapoo is quite another. Pauline just wanted to stare at her in wonder, her brain was having a bit of trouble processing how utterly bizarre the forger of dimensional scissors looked. All the weirdness she had seen in Mewni was somehow eclipsed by the being standing in front of her.

Star saw the expression of wonder on Pauline's face. Mistaking the expression on her friends face for lust and became even angrier at the thought that she might lose yet another lover to this damned walking candle. As much as Pauline had hurt her by going to Mewni. Star was confused, she reminded herself that being in a state of confusion while using magic was a very bad idea.

Star lowered the wand and growled at the clone. "No that would be pointless, alright dammit, I am tired of running. Tell Marco that if he wants me to stand trial I will turn myself in tomorrow. Just give me a chance to say goodbye first."

The clone smiled and replied, "good to see that you are finally growing up Star." Pointing at the flame above her head the clone said, "go ahead, I know you want to."

Star blew out the flame, as the clone faded from existence Star turned around, aiming the wand at Pauline; who raised her pistol, asking.

"Whoa, Star, what are you doing?"

"Didn't I tell you that I wanted to put all this behind me? Didn't I tell you not to go to Mewni? Now I am going to jail because you sold me out!"

"No, I did an investigation, I'm sorry that you went through a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but I am not sorry I found out what really happened with you and Marco and everyone else in Mewni. Also, you never told me not to go to Mewni."

"I keep telling you that you are going to pay. That you had to pay for mind raping me. Making me feel things that I never would have imagined that I would feel. Every time I say that you are going to pay. It's well past time I collected."

The wand began to glow a menacing red.

Pauline looked down at her pistol. Years of training was telling her to point the gun right at Star's chest and fire at least three rounds before she could get a spell off. But something else was telling her that wasn't the right thing to do here. Star wasn't going to burn down Earth this time, Pauline was the only person on the planet that she was mad at. Even after all she had learned of magic and Mewmans she wasn't sure if a bullet from any of her guns could kill Star.

She knew that she never wanted to find out.

Pauline dropped the magazine, racked the round in the chamber and holstered the pistol. Replying to Star's promise.

"No, I'm not going to give you a reason to kill me the way you almost killed Hekapoo. I am sorry that I took information from you, I really am. But I'm not sorry that I went to Mewni. You were... are in pain and I needed information to help you resolve that pain. When you are in pain I am in pain. I love you Star! and as much as I can barely handle the thought of never seeing you again after all my screw ups or evil acts we probably aren't good for each other. I want to see you happy. But I have to settle for not seeing you anymore. I give up. I can't manipulate you anymore. You should... You should go. You can run away anywhere you like and start over again but I..."

Pauline started to cry as she finished.

"I thought we were making progress."

Pauline thought she was being a grown up, that she was doing what her grown up friends had advised and ending this before it got any more dangerous. Any more toxic, any more obsessional. What she didn't know was that she had just signed her death warrant. No one had ever even attempted to dive so deep into Star's psyche, her core self. No one had ever demanded so much of her very soul, and no one had ever given so much to her. Star couldn't let her go, StarFan knew her too well. She could use that knowledge to destroy what little she had left. As far as Star was concerned if she couldn't have her biggest fan then no one could.

Star replied, speaking quickly but grimly.

"You thought wrong."

The wand fired, a spell with no incantation behind it. Nothing but raw magical energy driven by an iron will. Pauline threw up her hands as the blast headed towards her like an oncoming train.

About a foot before the spell struck it was deflected straight up where it dissipated harmlessly back into the ether. Pauline had generated a shielding spell. She blinked in amazement as she examined the preposterously thin barrier that had kept her from dying. Star lowered the wand in disbelief and shouted.

"What the...? There was enough power in that spell to kill a building!"

A deep cool radiated through Pauline as she began to realize what was happening. "It's not just you Star, you shared your magic with me and I shared my magic with you. You always had incredible talent. But you never really understood what you were dealing with. Energy, energy manipulation, you always put your own spin on it. You never learned to accept the light and the dark. You never attempted balance. You never learned how to gain control by relinquishing control. You never learned to put your ego aside and just let things be. I'm sorry Star, but you took magic too personally. It's meant to be shared and enjoyed. When it's hoarded and denied, bad things happen."

Star aimed the wand for another blast. Pauline reached out to it. She was able to pick up the wands swirling energies and snatch it out of Star's hands with her own energy. As Pauline reached out to it she took a huge packet of power directly from the wand. Causing her six wings to emerge at their full size and power.

Pauline whisked the wand through the air, into her house, to her safe. Though she couldn't see it she felt and heard the safe shut with a resounding thud. Once she was sure the wand was secure she politely requested.

"Now Star we have been here before, I have unloaded my gun and you don't have your wand. I still don't want to hurt you, but I will defend myself. You need you to consider your next move very carefully."

Star laughed insanely. "I should be careful? I should be careful!! You should be careful! Who do you think you are dealing with? I have killed things more powerful than what most people on this planet pray to. You can't possibly think that you can stop me."

Pauline checked her watch. Roy's shift was starting. He would probably be one of the first responding officers. She couldn't let Star hurt Roy. She had already taken far too much from Roy. The chaos would probably attract the Air Force. By the time they got here Hekapoo would probably be back.

As far as Pauline knew, if Star went nuts it might start an inter dimensional war.

Pauline shouted.

"Even if you kill me you know that won't be the end of this. I'm sorry for everything I did, I'm letting you go. But if you have to hurt someone, you hurt me, no one else."

The last fragment of self control Star had shattered as she replied in an ever more determined tone.

"Letting me go? I won't let you go. After all we have been through I won't.... I can't let you go. You are mine. You, are, mine, Star-Fan-13!"

Pauline felt so guilty. She felt like she had somehow given Star the obsession that she had once felt towards her. The words stung like wasp venom, partly because of what those words would entail. But mainly because of what they were.

When Pauline hurt Star she hadn't done so on purpose. This was very much on purpose.

She was so very sorry for everything she had done.

Star breathed deeply, pushing out all thoughts but one, the desire to dip down. Much as she didn't want to dip anymore she felt that it was the only way out of this. Magical energy began to resonate through her entire being as she tried to bring about her ultimate form.

She didn't quite make it. She had just one set of extra arms, somewhat extended her wings and a faint golden glow. But there were no bands of radiant energy, no diamonds irises and no heart insignia. She looked around in confusion at this faint imitation of what she expected.

"What is going on here!?" Star shouted in confusion in a voice which was clearly her own.

Pauline explained.

"You can't enter a non-dual state in this mindset Star. You are too asymmetric, too bound by your ego. Too angry to form a connection to source. Let me help you with that."

Pauline relaxed, allowing her mind to go completely non-dual. She exploded off of the ground, flying headlong into Star. She knew that she had to get them both well away from anyone else. She couldn't drag this out any longer, she had to release all the energy from Star right now or else there would be unspeakable consequences. Star could still hurt a great many people, even in this diminished state. Pauline knew that she needed to ground her out, depower Star completely or else she would be the first of many to die. Releasing energies trapped in a human body was incredibly messy. Un binding every last erg of exotic, arcane cosmic power still trapped in Star? Well, she didn't know how much or what kind of power was going to be released. All she knew was that it would be... Energetic.

Pauline aimed their brief flight towards the shooting range. The two of them landed atop a bolder that cracked under their impact. Three men who happened to be shooting nearby immediately threw their gear in their truck and drove away as soon as the explosions began.

Pauline could see blocked energy bands all over Star's body. In spite of all her work the magic remained, knotting itself up into seemingly impossible contortions and shapes. It wasn't just the magic and trauma of Star's own life. The weight of her ancestors sins and energies harvested from hundreds of dead monsters were a part of what was driving her to do this. Pauline reached for a band of energy around her right hand. There was an awful lot of trauma there that she guessed was the result of having that hand crushed. She started making symmetrical gestures above the hands, unwinding the crazy quilt of magical, biological, electromagnetic, and who knows what other kinds of energy that wove through Star's body.

As it came undone Pauline learned that the hand had been crushed, stabbed and burnt not once but several times. Then stuck back together with magic. Visible symptoms gone, never allowed to truly heal. The pent up pain exploded out of Stars right hands.

The energy released was roughly equivalent to ninety pounds of dynamite. Much was tuned into electromagnetic and plasma energy by the release and discharged into the ground, not all of it. Somehow Star's hand stayed in one piece through the discharge.

As the explosion rang out Star didn't even notice the detonation. All she could think about was the fact that her hand was somehow in more pain than after a dragon almost burnt it off. Star kicked away from Pauline with everything she had as she shrieked in agony. Both of her arms on her right side flailed in pain, trying to dissipate the energy further.

Pauline was kicked forty feet away from the boulder, she landed with some grace. But she was staggered by the kick. As she stumbled around wondering how that kick hadn't completely collapsed her chest she looked up. The burning energy illuminated something that Pauline had feared.

Star had two separate minds. Her conscious self and her shadow. The shadow was flailing wildly around her body. Like a flame, but dark instead of bright. The shadow was visibly diminished by Pauline's attacks. But it still had a tight grasp on Star. The ghost of the lives of hundreds of monsters and who knows how many men Star had killed.

While Star winced in agony the shadow looked at Pauline and mouthed the words.

"You are mine."

Pauline cried, she knew she couldn't beat it. Star was the only one who could beat it. She could weaken it, she could sap its strength. But she couldn't beat that thing without killing Star.

And Pauline knew that after everything that they had shared for the past month she could not kill Star.

While Pauline choked back tears at the insanity of the mere thought of killing her lover; Star was in rather a different mindset. All she could think about was that Pauline had hurt her worse than any monster ever had. It was time for her to go down. She shouted.

"I summon the singularity!"

With her right hands out of action she aimed the spell with her left hands. Pointing straight at Pauline's head she shouted. "I'm going to send you to another plane of existence one molecule at a time. And I'm going to open the portal inside your brain. Goodbye forever, you psycho stalker bitch!"

Pauline leaned backwards as the black hole formed. She could feel the unbelievable energy sink begin to open. She knew that if she kept just ahead of the reach of the pinprick sized anomaly that she would be okay. But she soon realized that would be impossible the way she was bending away from it without falling down. There was only one option available. She stepped away from the anomaly with her face millimeters away from the event horizon. Allowing it to drain off some of the excess energy she had ripped out of Star.

Once she was clear of the event horizon she began working the local magical energy streams. She had no idea what it was called, but the common term for what she was making was a stereographic variation of a tesseract. A basket of energy at the opposite energetic polarity of the singularity. Using the very curves of the spacetime continuum to weave a container made of white energy around the black hole. Once it was complete the tesseract was drawn closed on the singularity by the force of its own gravity. As they contacted the two spatial anomalies canceled each other out, to an efficiency of 99.995136 percent.

That remaining .5975 percent was still enough to create an astrophysical jet. A stream of charged particles moving at relativistic velocities. Something that isn't supposed to exist on a living planet. Or at least any planet near one wouldn't be living for long. Pauline started gesturing again. Creating a funnel which trapped and dispersed the relativistic particles blasting out of the jet into a bubble of stable time, twenty times faster than the local time stream.

As the bubble formed it created a temporary shield to the outside world. Doughnut shaped, about 500 feet in diameter. Star looked up in disbelief as it hardened. She had fought some truly skilled opponents but no one had ever been able do anything more with one of her attacks than deflecting it. To take her most powerful spell and use it like this was beyond her imagination.

"How did you do this?!" Star screamed as the pain in her right hands began to subside.

Pauline looked around, studying her creation. She replied, in a frighteningly clinical, somewhat curious tone.

"A bunch of science fiction stories I read, when someone uses a black hole weapon the counter is to generate another black hole to neutralize it. When I told my mother about it she said that wouldn't work according to physics as we know it. She said that black holes consume other black holes and all you get is a bigger black hole. So I imagined an anti black hole and that's what I came up with. The single perk of having a distant, cold, physics professor as a mother. You learn all you can about black holes and that info might come in handy if you are fighting an enemy who creates them. As for the shield I whipped that up to protect us from the leftover energy."

Pauline stared at the truck tearing down the road as fast as it could, looking like it was suspended in midair from their perspective inside their fast time bubble she observed in disbelief. 

"I did not know that it would stop time though."

Star thought for a moment. Her logical mind knew that there was nothing to be gained from pushing this any further. She was outmatched. She had never been able to slow down time. Stopped time once, by accident and never with anything like this level of control over one area. Pauline had clearly surpassed her in magical ability.

That was what hardened her will again, the wound to her ego that there was someone out there better than she was at magic. It calcified further with an odd realization. After years of fighting across the universe so many of her opponents had folded after a relatively short fight. Everything after Eclipsa had been a relative cakewalk. She concluded that Pauline Long was basically just another Eclipsa. Simply the universe providing her with a suitable opponent. It was only natural that the enemy used her magic, like Eclipsa did, all that meant was she could last long enough to quench her thirst for the supreme struggle.

Star was going to break her. She was going to expunge this... Thing that had possessed the body of her old friend. She was going to hurt her so brutally that StarFan13 would never even think of screwing with her ever again. She would be so utterly shattered that she would be dependent and needy, that delicate little girl again who so desperately needed Star's affection.

Star smiled smugly, thinking.

_"I'm going to really enjoy feeling those fancy wings of hers crushed under my boots."_

Star began gesturing for another spell. Once the motions were completed she incanted triumphantly.

"Ultimate warnicorn stampede!"

Three dozen warnicorns, each bigger than a rhino ran towards Pauline. She could see that there was no getting around this. She was going to have to take the hit. As the first warnicorn was about to impact she gently touched the ferocious beasts nose. Providing just a little extra energy to the furious phantom beast.

The first warnicorn exploded like a balloon. Once she knew how to deal with them Pauline danced around them, bursting the Warnicorns with gentle infusions of power. With every blast she was bathed in yet more energy. As Star realized that she was making her enemy stronger she poured more energy into the spell. The Warnicorns took on the shape of a river of horses. One flowing into the other, seething red with rage and power.

Connecting the forms of the horses was a big mistake. Instead of detonating in sequence as they hit Pauline's fingers, they detonated all at once. As the flow of energy rapidly reversed direction Pauline noted that the effect was not unlike a line of det-cord. If someone had ever been insane enough to make a length of det-cord 20 feet in diameter and thirty feet long.

Barely controlled, insanely powerful magical energy changed into uncontrolled raw energy. Sending the both of them flying backwards. Pauline, having her complete set of energy wings flew backwards under some control. Hitting the surface of the time shield at a somewhat uncomfortable nine miles an hour.

Stars wings were still too short to allow her much control of her unexpected flight. By the time she hit her end of the shield she was doing 60.

After Pauline hit the ground she ran over to Star. Star had landed face down in the gravel. Her body badly battered. Bones broken, skull fractured, ugly splashes of blood everywhere. This was an opportunity though. Pauline started pulling energy out of Star again. With every energetic band she broke, Star's body healed a little more. She rolled Star over and straddled her, returning her body to symmetry.

As the last few cuts and fractures fused together Star smiled up at her. In a state of irresistible joy from the healing energy, asking. "So, why where we fighting again?"

Pauline was gasping for air. Between the Warnicorns, the explosion and what she had just pulled out of Star was more power than she had ever tried to handle before. It was building up in her spine like a capacitor. Enhancing her purple glow to the point where it was almost blinding. Contrasted with the lightning bolts on her cheek which were a blinding white gold. Static electricity was levitating her short hair into a very strange looking hairdo. As more and more energy was driven into her wings they became more corporeal. They no longer looked like a hologram, or even polished metal. The blade like main structures of the wings began to look like charred stone, massive and dense. Expanded to twice their usual size, energy erupting from them like rocket engines blasting in six directions. However they still weren't providing enough of a radiative effect to keep up with the veritable ocean of energy that she was pulling out of Star. Pauline couldn't will them to grow any further, or function any more effectively. She couldn't speak, when she tried to sparks flew out of her mouth. It felt like she had an electrified bulldozer pushing her against a brick wall, all she could think of was trying to ground out or give back the energy.

Star looked at all this and returned to asymmetry, growling.

"Oh yeah, that's why. Because you are trying to be me. Trying to steal my power! Trying to steal what I am, just like you tried to do in school. Well I am me and you will never be me no matter what you do!"

Star slid out from under her, staggering to her feet to stand over her in contempt.

"Stop trying to be me! You pathetic, worthless bitch!"

With her last ounce of coordination Pauline willed her hands to hit the ground. This provided just enough grounding for her to speak. To an outside observer it would have looked like she was bowing to Star. In a surprisingly quiet and subdued voice Pauline addressed her.

"I don't need to be you. I had my own life and it was alright. We were apart for a decade. We got along, we didn't get along just fine but we got along. I love being with you more than I can describe. Do you really want to keep playing the game this way? I don't think I can take much more of this my love."

Star exploded into the most asymmetric fighting pose she could manage. Her extra arms retracted, she knew that she was going to need maximum force delivered over the smallest area. She roared, "game, my love? I'll show you a fucking game!" As she aimed a kick towards Pauline's stomach with everything she had.

Pauline knew that the only real option she had left was to try to stop Star in hand to hand combat. More spell casting would be extremely dangerous to the both of them; trapped inside this shield. Dealing with energies that could level a town. She could see that Star was using her firebrand technique. Direct channeling of magical energy to the hands and feet.

Pauline wondered for a moment how best to handle this. Then she realized the answer, to do so as symmetrically yet confusingly as possible. Every piece of combat instruction she had received. Every memory of fight scenes seen in movies, no matter how wacky, and every glimpse of Star and Marco in combat flashed through her mind. Every move reviewed, analyzed and critiqued for relative effectiveness. She couldn't believe how fast her brain was processing all this and was thankful she was for the flexibility and incredible power that her body had in this unfettered state. She knew she was going to need it to survive against such a hardened, experienced, utterly insane opponent.

As the first kick rose Pauline took it. Using the energy to send herself flipping backwards and up, spreading the energy with a shield enough to fly on it. She didn't fly far though. Only seven feet backwards. As she staggered to her feet Pauline concluded her analysis.

" _Her main advantage? years of combat experience. Her main disadvantage? she is clearly not managing energy as well as I am. Advantage of her much larger reserves of magical energy likely tempered by the loss of the wand. She has grown dependent on its power and power management capabilities. Additional factors, she is clearly not used to fighting single opponents, more familiar with melee combat. Her rage has clouded and compromised her judgment. Her movements will be cruder than they could be due to lack of energy going towards thought processing. Said moves will also be more powerful that usual, fueled as they are by rage."_

_"Her love has turned to hate. If she feels one tenth of the love towards me that I do towards her then that is a vast pool to draw from. Odds of my survival, ten percent. No, I should be optimistic, eleven percent."_

_"I can't win. Even if I can beat her in hand to hand combat. No one can defeat another persons shadow. You can only reduce it in size and hope that your opponent will see reason. I just hope I can reduce it enough that Star doesn't hurt any innocent people after this. Only get one life, better make it count. Let's see if I can't get that up to at least thirteen percent, for old times sake."_

Pauline cocked her head at the realization that she was about to get her almost forgotten wish to die for some grand cause. She had never imagined that cause would be stopping her best friend. But long ago she had observed that fate had a truly twisted sense of humor. Pauline Long had one last thought. She couldn't think of some grand last words, so she said the last thing that she had to say.

"Star, I have a message from you from The All Seeing Eye. He says that he is sorry. Sorry that he didn't do his job, that he only showed you the good stuff and none of the bad. Marco is sorry too..."

Pauline gestured for attack and finished.

"Now come here and kill me."

Star was so distracted that she only heard.

"Marco, kill me."

As the fistfight got going their two styles couldn't have been any more contrasted. Star was moving as asymmetrically as her body would permit. Telegraphing every move. Behind every punch and kick was as much brute force as she could summon. Not just her shocking physical strength, but an absolutely unholy amount of raw magical energy. Pauline started in a strictly defensive posture, hoping that she could evade Star for however long it took for her to run out of steam.

Pauline generated small shields to intercept Star's impacts. They weren't all that effective, the shielding just spread the impact of the punches around her body instead all the energy being concentrated in one place. Impacts ravaged Pauline's body. These was just energy delivery by more complex route than a punch.

To Pauline it seemed that Star's punches were moving preposterously slow. She could see Star winding up the energies for the blow like a turbine. Pauline began making intricate hand motions to release every last bit of power in the next punch before it got to her. Her hands were no longer unwinding energy, they cut like a chainsaw. When the structure of energy around Stars fist broke, it exploded, across a vast spectrum. Pauline wasn't even trying to harvest any of it. But it clung to her like napalm. Had she not been in a non-dual state, allowing the uniform spreading of energy, she would have been blasted clean in two.

Star flew backwards. Propelled by the force of her exploding hand about twenty yards. As she rolled through the impact all she could think about was her left hand. It felt like it had been crushed under a boulder, fed to a beast with a thousand razor sharp teeth and set on fire, at the same time.

As she stopped rolling Star could see her left hand was gone. All that was there was tendrils of energy radiating from where it used to be. Like long, fiery shards of broken glass emanating from a stump. She reached around at the magic spraying out of her, faster than the blood and shoved it back into place. The magic rapidly began to assume the shape of a hand.

Then she looked up to see Pauline, flying yet again due to energy overload powering her wings.

She was levitating and burning. Despite the huge amounts of magical energy being consumed to keep her aloft. She looked curious, almost puzzled by the splatter of magical power that was incinerating her arms and chest. Star looked up in horror at this theft of her power and shouted.

"No, you can't win!"

Star willed herself to her feet and leapt into the air.

Pauline's eyes switched away from her disintegrating arms to her friend. She could escape her attack by flying sideways, but she didn't want to. Star was building up for a massive magic powered kick. Pauline wanted that energy released. She willed herself to hold her position and took the hit.

This kick had enough raw power to kill an M1 Abrams tank. As the kick came to within three feet of Pauline she started gesturing as fast as she could. The energy in the kick was partly deconstructed, spiraling off into the ether. The remainder was directed straight into Pauline's chest.

The energy spread through her body evenly as she took the kick. While this lessened the impact, it also meant that her entire body was overwhelmed with raw power. Her purple glow began phasing through different color spectrums. Pink, then white. Magical energies discharged, Star's feet were drawn towards the ground. Placing her perfectly in position for Pauline to hug her.

Physical contact allowed Pauline to absorb the last of the excess magical energy from her friend. Royal Mewman physiology had adapted to magic for centuries. Star had the strongest body in her family line. If it hadn't been for her unique body she would have perished from the burden of this power long ago.

By comparison Pauline had a normal human body with a few magical, mostly cosmetic modifications. In spite of the efficient and clever design of her wings; she simply couldn't handle all this energy, not all at once.

They fell to the ground. Pauline hugged as long as she could, but after ten seconds of physical contact she levitated back into the air, five feet up. Dragged into the air by her over revved wings. She knew that her heart was about to explode like a pipe bomb. The fractal patterns inside her wings could not drive themselves into more complex and intricate designs. They were beginning to crack, well on their way to shattering like glass. Her physical body was burning away in a cocoon of plasma. She was drowning in a rich cocktail of almost everything the energy spectrum could throw at her. She was dying and damn well knew it. Except it didn't feel like dying, it felt like she was changing, becoming energy itself.

_"Three percent."_

Pauline realized what had happened to Glossarick. Old Glossy had been created by the universe in an effort to understand itself. When a Mewman finally displayed magical abilities beyond what he could do. Demonstrating an understanding of the universe deeper than his. It meant that his job was done and that it was time to move on to something else. It had taken an awfully long time. Dozens of generations. But he had finally fulfilled the purpose of his creation. To create magicians more skilled than he was. Which left him to be released and reborn into something new. Pauline knew this because she could see him. She didn't know wether it was actually Glossarick, or a hallucination created by her melting brain. But she knew that she saw a small blue man with six fingers astride a white unicorn in the sky reaching down to her. Welcoming her home.

As the remnants of her ego and body dissolved she felt that her job was done. She felt no pain, rather the opposite. This was pleasure, or more accurately, love. Love raising itself to a higher plane of existence. Like a hot air ballon, drifting above an ever growing bonfire. She smiled sincerely, her life may have been a bit shorter than she would have liked. But she had achieved everything she had set out to do. Though before she left she had to get one last message across.

"Star, I'm dying. I don't know what's going to happen to me but I know what's going to happen to you. You can stay in this prison, saying 'oh poor little me' for the rest of your life. Or you can accept responsibility for what you are. The choice is yours, the choice was always yours."

Pauline looked skyward. She knew that all she had to do was rise another few feet in the air. Once she was high enough the energy would be unable to jump the gap to the ground. Without any grounding effect her engorged, cracking, blackened wings would detonate. With their cooling effect gone the rest of her would go up like a nuclear bomb. The shield would contain the blast. Star was made of pretty tough stuff. She had survived some pretty big magical explosions. But StarFan13's part in this story would be over.

_"One percent, goodbye everyone."_

Pauline reached out to take Glossaricks hand. She knew that as soon as she touched him that it was the end of the game. Her last thought was. _"I got another ten years. I didn't deserve those ten years after my act of ultimate selfishness, but I got them anyway. And I am thankful for every second of them. Remember me Star, that is all I can ever ask of you. Remember that I will always fight for you in whatever timeline, whatever multiverse we are in. I'm sorry I couldn't save you, I hope you find peace someday."_

Hands latched onto her ankles. Star screamed in a bitter voice. "No, dammit Pauline. I'm sorry! I'm sorry I tried to kill you! Please don't go. I can't lose you too. Don't leave me, I love you!"

" _Twelve percent."_

Pauline looked away from Glossarick, the remaining fragments of her ego rallied. She looked down, asking Star in a voice that resonated with the very Earth itself.

**"Is your love conditional or unconditional?"**

"Unconditional!"

**"Are you willing to live as you truly are?"**

Star hesitated for a moment. She didn't want to dissolve into nothingness too. She blinked, her shadow was standing next to her. She let go of Pauline and stared at the manifestation of the worst elements of her subconscious mind.

The shadow had chosen the form that would upset Star's conscious mind the most. Not Marco, not Eclipsa, not Queen Moon or even Ruberot. It had picked fourteen year old StarFan13, dead, waterlogged and bloody StarFan13. Star knew exactly how that firefighter had felt when he pulled her from the river. A dead child with angel wings was a bad enough image. Knowing who she was made the image a thousand times worse. The shadow asked.

"Are you really going to let her go? Like you let me go? You left me alone to die. Can you really forgive yourself for that? For letting everyone else die?"

Pauline saw the illusion and thundered.

**"You must live beyond the confines of your ego. See the universe for what it truly is. Not what you make it out to be. You can either go on fighting your shadow, or accept it and transcend it. The choice is, and has always been, yours."**

Tears began to fall as Star looked over at her increasingly weak shadow. The ghastly image of her dead friend standing in front of her began to fade from existence as she realized that's exactly what it was, an image. Her actual friend was levitating above her. Star told it.

"Goodbye shadow. I'm glad you held on to the parts of me that I denied. But I don't need you anymore. I must forgive myself."

Star looked up at her friend hovering above her and shouted.

"And I have to make sure that you don't die!"

**"Thirteen percent."**

Pauline smiled down at her and fell towards the ground. Star caught her as she fell face first into her arms. Pauline kissed her right on the lips. As they embraced the energy divided between their two bodies. That division and contacting the ground allowed the plasma to dissipate as it enveloped them both. As they collapsed to their knees they began to resonate at the same frequency. They saw each other as they truly were. Star screamed in joy as her wings and extra arms shot out to their fullest extent. Taking back just enough energy to keep her lover from burning to death. They became lost in each other's eyes as they went into a non-dual state together.

 

* * *

 

 

Pauline returned from non-duality first. Amazed and overjoyed that her body had not just survived that bonfire but had also healed from the burning. She looked around as the bubble of fast time was beginning to dissolve. Massive damage from every single way that nature and the human mind could generate energy stretched as far as the time shield had. There were deep trenches, charred spots, even a few random chunks of minerals and metals created through transmogrification. Their wings and arms had channeled the excess energy in all directions. The air tasted bad, they had burned off most of the oxygen inside the bubble. Fresh air was gusting in.

She looked at her hands. They had the full range of motion and sensitivity. She looked at her wings, shining like platinum. She looked at her clothes. They had survived too, but her pistol looked pretty well cooked.

She was so much more now than what she had been, even what she had been before running into Star in that parking lot. This identity, this pattern of ego. Pauline Long, StarFan13, whatever she called herself; felt like a coat now. A way of interacting with other parts of itself that weren't aware of what they were, yet.

Lying in front of her was another part of itself. Struggling to get through the last little bits of pain and power. Twitching, trying to bring herself back to symmetry.

Compared to the fight this was nothing. She knelt above her and made a few more gestures, as gently as she could she brushed aside the last remaining blocks. This being called Star Butterfly had decided to see things as they are. She just needed a little extra help. Once the last traceries of ego danced away Star opened her eyes and said. **"Hello my love."**

 **"Hello my beloved**." Pauline said back in her version of the same voice.

These two parts embraced each other. They knew what they were now. Eyes looking at each other. Diamond eyes staring at turbine eyes. Eyes looking at themselves; in perfection, winged fractal perfection. Overwhelmed with relief that the destruction hadn't gone any further. They knew that mere words couldn't describe how they felt about each other. So they let their eyes get the point across, silently. They knew that they had to share what they had learned. They also knew what was waiting for them.

When they finally reached a point that they could tear their eyes away from each other Star stood up, looked sternly at the sunset and began reciting the last few lines of a poem that she finally understood.

"There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.  
That the Dog returns to his vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,  
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire."

Pauline stood up, resting her head on Stars shoulders as they looked at the sunset. Star continued.

 **"And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins**  
**When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins.**  
**As surely as water will wet us, as surely as fire will burn,**  
**The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!"**

As the shield finished dissolving, Star asked. "It was you the whole time wasn't it? You are one of the Gods of the Copybook Headings. Come to remind me of what I truly am. Who we all truly are."

**"Yes, but now, so are you."**

Star smiled and asked one last question.

"Pauline, there's something that has been bothering me. The firefighter who saved you, why do you never mention his name?"

StarFan13 shook her head and replied. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"His name is Paul, Paul Schmetterling. Schmetterling is the German word for butterfly."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. This was quite the educational experience for me, on multiple levels. all_possible_worlds I cannot thank you enough for your counsel on this story and elsewhere.
> 
> www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDAQmE2KDgM


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